Subject: Daily Dose - 080120 - Santa's lead elf, insulation, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well deserved vacation.

Chandro the Lead Elf says, "Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my ass down to Miami. I'm gonna do nothin, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as I can, and soak up the sun til I get this damn cold out of my bones."

So he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the bar. He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.

So he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita. He downs it, orders another one, downs that too. He smiles at the blonde and says, "Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little f*ck?"

She looks down and says. "Hello, you little f*ck."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Con-Artists

In 1872, veteran prospectors Philip Arnold and John Slack bought $35,000 worth of diamonds in Europe and scattered them on land in Wyoming. They managed to convince the Bank of San Francisco they had discovered a diamond field and made $700,000.

Starting in 1921, Oscar Merril Hartzell began a scam selling fake shares in the estate of Sir Francis Drake. He contacted as many families as he could find with the surname Drake and was eventually accused of defrauding 270,000 people. The hoax netted him over $2,000,000.

When J. Bam Morrison arrived at Wetumka, Oklahoma in 1950, he claimed to be the advance publicity man for Bohn's United Circus, which, he maintained, was due to hit town in three weeks. He allegedly sold advertising space to local traders... for a circus that didn't exist.

By forging signatures, James Addison Reavis was able to claim he was the legal owner of 17,000 square miles of Arizona. The enterprise raked in $300,000 a year until he was arrested in 1895 and he was sentenced to six years in prison.

Joseph Weill, who inspired the movie "The Sting," rented abandoned banks and convinced businessmen that he had set up a genuine bank. He waited for them to deposit large sums of money before shutting down and moving on to the next town. This, plus some of his other scams, earned him over $6,000,000.

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Marijuana plant's identity outed by TV

LODDEKOPINGE, Sweden - A Loddekopinge, Sweden, couple say they did not realize the impressively sized plant in their garden was marijuana until they saw cannabis plants on TV.

Helge and Helga Nilsson said they nurtured the mystery plant until it reached a height of 60 inches -- then they saw a report on TV about drugs and were shown images of cannabis plants, The Local reported Monday.

"Lord, Helge -- we've got one of those in the garden," Nilsson told her husband after viewing the report.

The Nilssons said they are planning to remove the plant based on advice from the Lund Botanical Gardens. However, they said they will be sad to say goodbye to the pretty green plant.

"It's really quite decorative," Helge Nilsson said.

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Woman calls police over fake crack rock

ROCHELLE, Ga. - A woman in Georgia is facing charges after calling police about getting her money back for a fake crack rock she allegedly bought from a drug dealer.

Juanita Marie Jones called police in Rochelle Thursday night to complain she was unhappy with some crack cocaine she purchased that night, the Cordelle Dispatch reported.

The 53-year-old woman allegedly told police she purchased what she thought was a $20 piece of crack cocaine, but after breaking the rock into three pieces and smoking one, she thought the cocaine was "fake." She told Officer Joel Quinn and Deputy John Shedd of the Wilcox County Sheriff's Office she wanted them to get her money back.

The officers were invited into Jones' kitchen where showed them the alleged "fake" crack, at which time they arrested her for possession of cocaine. She is now awaiting a bond hearing.

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Dog groomer busted for thefts

CHICAGO, Ill. - Police said a Chicago dog care driver was charged in a string of thefts after she wore a jacket stolen from a client on a trip to the client's house. If convicted, Jillian Robertson, 21, could face up to 364 days in jail for each of five misdemeanor charges stemming from the thefts of thousands of dollars in property, the Chicago Tribune reported Monday.

Police Sgt. Brian Rypka said Robertson confessed to stealing property including the jacket, an iPod and four digital cameras. Police said at a news conference Sunday a laptop computer and a video camera belonging to clients were also found in Robertson's possession.

Authorities said Robertson took the items from the homes of their owners while working as a driver and groomer for Tucker Pups Dog Activity Center. Joel Spainhour, owner of Tucker Pups, said he phoned police after contacting several of Robertson's clients. He said the owner of the iPod had suspected Robertson in the theft and he contacted other clients, including the owner of the jacket.

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Massive pillow fight falls short of record

GENEVA, Ill. - "The World's Largest Pillow Fight," as the Geneva, Ill., event was billed, fell short of the record mark at a Kane County Cougars minor league baseball game.

The pillow fight, which was 563 people short of the Guinness record with 3,085 participants, helped boost the Cougars to a franchise attendance record of 14,492 for their game against Chicago Cubs farm team the Peoria Chiefs, the Aurora (Ill.) Beacon News reported Monday.

"We came close," Cougars spokesman Shawn Touney said. "It was quite entertaining -- feathers were flying in different places on the right field. We did break a franchise attendance record."

Pre-registered pillow fight participants of all ages were issued wristbands to give them clearance to take to the field after the game. Inflatable mini pillows were provided by Back to Bed to the first 2,000 fans through the gates.

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We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

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DDL

There once was a hermaphrodite,

Who said, "Please don't pity my plight.

For when I'm told to do

What's not easy for you,

I can do it!  And do it all night!"

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"In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The runners are doing fine, but the bulls can't stop laughing."

-Conan O'Brien

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"Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself. That's so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is."

-Jimmy Kimmel

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"It's summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out to the water park to catch E. coli."

-Dave Letterman

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News from the British Tabloids....

'Al Pacino' found dead in Brazilian car

A Brazilian show dog that disappeared when thieves in Puerto Rico stole a car with the prized pooch inside was found dead inside the abandoned vehicle.

The chocolate Labrador retriever, named Al Pacino was found lifeless inside its cage in the stolen car, which was abandoned near a well-traveled road in the capital's municipal area, according to San Juan International Dog Expo spokeswoman Marisela Diaz.

The show dog, appeared to have died from heat exhaustion while trapped inside the 2007 Dodge Caliber in the community of Carolina, Diaz said.

Puerto Rican police searched a financial district of the US territory's capital for the show dog after witnesses reported spotting a dark Labrador retriever. The prized animal belonged to a Brazilian man, Roberto Rodrigues, who left his rented car running outside a high-end hotel in the capital of San Juan.

Rodrigues had offered a US$2,000 reward to get the dog back.

"Al Pacino," was considered one of the top show dogs from Brazil, according to the American Kennel Club.

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Sex for the disabled

A Swiss welfare group is recruiting volunteers to have sex with disabled people.

The Basel-based Welfare Group for Disability and Sexuality already arranges erotic massages for people with disabilities.

But it is now providing full sexual intercourse and is also signing up gay volunteers to have sex with homosexual disabled people.

The group's leader Aiha Zemp said it was a subject that "needed to be tackled."

She said: "It's a big taboo that needs to be broken. Having sex is a basic human need like eating and drinking and we have to fight for this right for the disabled."

At present three men and one woman offer an erotic 'touching service,' and nine new volunteers have come forward to offer sex at £65 per hour.

Among the new recruits are four men, two of them homosexuals.

Zemp rejected criticism that the group were simply training up prostitutes.

"The big difference between the assistants and prostitutes is that the assistants show tenderness and are conscious of the needs of the disabled, rather than rushing and just taking the money," she said.

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Becks' bed linen up for grabs

David Beckham fans in Austria blocked the phone-in lines of a radio show when the star's used bed linen was offered as a prize.

Fans are asked to phone, email or text the reasons why they want to run into a hotel room as Becks checks out and spend the day with his unwashed bed linen. Presenters told fans that Beckham usually left used boxer short lying in the room as well as he always wore fresh undies and never re-used them.

Beckham's bed promotion is running all week until England's next match against Austria on Friday. He is expected to turn up alone as wives and girlfriends are not invited to attend friendly games, reports Austrian media.

The radio station has a deal with the hotel where Beckham and the rest of the team will stay for the fan to be allowed to go into the room.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

£45,000 bill over South Pole punch-up

A fracas at the South Pole has ended in the sacking of an Antarctic base worker and a £45,000 medical bill.

The altercation was allegedly over a woman but may also have been fuelled by alcohol and cabin fever caused by Antarctica's biting cold, reports the Daily Telegraph.

It happened at America's Amundsen-Scott station, where the pair were employed by Raytheon Polar Services, which provides back-up services for the base's scientists.

The victim was allegedly punched in the face and sustained a broken jaw. His injuries were considered too serious to be treated in Antarctica and the pair were flown to Christchurch, New Zealand, on Christmas Day in a USAF Hercules scrambled from another US base at an estimated cost of £45,000.

Dr Karl Erb, head of the US Antarctic programme, said: "The assailant has been removed from Antarctica and his contract terminated by his employer. Such behaviour has no place whatsoever in the US Antarctic programme."

Cabin fever is more of a problem in winter when personnel have to endure total darkness 24 hours a day.