Subject: Daily Dose - 080116 - so ugly, News from the British Tabloids, shower with me, DDL, Rotten News

The construction man's wife was so ugly he just couldn't make love to her. One day she demanded sex and a new drive way. He agreed to both but he offered up her sexual services as payment for his buddies once they finished the driveway.

She was excited and decided to go outside and watch as her hubby and friends worked. The men waited and waited for the concrete to get hard enough to finish. It just wouldn't happen.

Finally, it dawned on the hubby. He sent his wife inside with one of the men, apparently she was so ugly, the concrete wouldn't get hard in front of her.

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News from the British Tabloids....

Asda lauches £35 tuxedo in attempt to sew-up formal attire market

Simple, elegant and timeless, the tuxedo has long been regarded as the pinnacle of formal attire for men. Save for the well-heeled and well-connected, however, the paucity of occasions on which it can worn has made hiring, rather than buying, a more attractive option to many.

Until now. For in rather an unglamorous twist to the garment's history, Asda yesterday added a tux to its value clothing range - with a price tag of just £35.

The thought of strolling down the aisles past the lavatory rolls and veg to try on a dinner jacket may be enough to shatter many a chap's dreams of dressing in James Bond-style sophistication. And since the tux in question is made from 72 per cent polyester and 28 per cent viscose, it doesn't sound exactly like an item from 007's wardrobe.

But the supermarket insists the low price of its tuxedo - which features a satin trim on the lapel of was paid at auction for Daniel Craig's tux from his Bond movie the two-buttoned, singlebreasted jacket and down the side of the trouser legs - has not come at the expense of good tailoring.

The spokesman said that the £35 tuxedo "means the end of illfitting tailoring and the smell of mothballs at awards dinners and black-tie dos as men try to squeeze into a tux that they bought decades before for their freshers' ball".

He added: "Because we buy in bulk, we are able to offer the benefits to our customers - and as we're a supermarket, don't have the high overhead costs of the High Street stores."

It costs £35 to hire a dinner jacket and trousers from Moss Bros for three days, or £49 for the suit plus dress shirt, bow tie and cummerbund.

To go with them, a shirt and black tie - one you have to knot yourself, not a clip on - set is also available for £8.

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Blackpool avoids brown pools with 'horse nappies'

Some horses, planning a grand defecation adventure A resort is to bring in horse 'nappies' to keep its streets clean of muck.

The famous horse carriages, or landaus, which ride along Blackpool promenade will be fitted with the dung-catchers from next Easter, if the proposals are approved.

A consultation found that visitors, residents and businesses said while it might be good for the garden, manure scattered over the street detracted from the attractiveness of the seafront.

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Meet the dog addicted to curry

Dante the curry-loving dog was banned from wolfing down his favourite food because it made him ill. But, luckily for the mongrel, a takeaway has created a canine-friendly chicken paw-ma.

The 11-year-old has such a taste for tandoori that he turns his nose up at normal food.

'I started giving him different dog food that's a bit tastier but nothing can compare with curries as far as Dante's concerned,' said his owner Pauline Rawsterne, from Chorlton, Manchester.

She noticed Dante lapping up curry – and piling on pounds – when a lodger started feeding him leftovers.

Later, she found the mongrel had a bowel disorder and was told to keep him off the madras. But an Indian restaurant owner took pity on Dante and cooked up a healthy balti.

Ms Rawsterne, 48, said: 'He's in good shape now. He even comes with me on my bike rides.'

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My address? Um... Masturbation Meadow

Villagers are campaigning to change the name of a new street because it translates into 'Masturbation Meadow'.

Julia Newsham has launched a petition to change the name of Cae Onan in her home village of Morda, near Oswestry, Shropshire, on the Welsh borders. The 48-year-old believes council planners meant to call it Cae Onnen which translates as 'Ash Meadow' but was shocked when friends told her what this version means.

The housewife said: 'It's embarrassing. It has got to the stage when I tell someone its name and check their expression.'

Cae is Welsh for meadow or field – but Onan has no Welsh translation other than the Biblical figure killed by God for 'spilling his seed', instead of impregnating his late brother's wife. That led to the the word 'onanism', an old term for masturbation.

Mrs Newsham said: 'Anyone who knows Welsh and the Bible will put two and two together. There is a funny side but it is also embarrassing.'

Paul Shevlin, from Oswestry Borough Council, said there were no plans to change the name as it was 'not something that would be generally picked up on'.

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Man killed by condom

A naked man died after pulling a condom filled with laughing gas over his head, an inquest was told yesterday.

Unemployed Gary Ashbrook, 31, was found dead in bed at his home in Newhaven, East Sussex.

Housemate Michael Young said: "He had been putting a condom on his head for sexual gratification. I'm sure his death was an accident."

Verdict: Misadventure.

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The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth.

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, "Are you going to me able to manage OK?"

I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me."

The little blonde nurse looked up and said, "Nice try."

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DDL

Dick and Jane one day came home from school

And declared they had learned a new rule;

That, a hammer needs nails,

And a sailboat needs sails,

And a screw always needs a good tool.

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"Man: An animal [whose] chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada."

--Ambrose Bierce (1842-disappearance in 1914)

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"Woman: An animal... having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication... The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey... the woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk."

--Ambrose Bierce (1842-disappearance in 1914)

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"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's what he descends to that shames the human race."

--Mark Twain

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"A good listener is usually thinking about something else."

--Kin Hubbard

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"This week in Spain, a 67 year-old woman gave birth to twins, making her the world's oldest new mother. The 67-year-old said, she'd like to breast feed but her arms aren't long enough.'"

--Conan O'Brien

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"A cell phone video has surfaced of Saddam Hussein's hanging and officials are trying to figure out who shot the video. People who were at the hanging say it was probably the guy who kept yelling: 'Hey keep it down, I'm on the phone here!'"

--Conan O'Brien

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Rotten News....  (true)

Thanks but no thanks -- India curbs tourist dollars

Fri Nov 16, 12:47 AM ET

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Indian authorities have ruled that tourists visiting the country's monuments must pay at a fixed local rupee rate rather than in dollars to shore up revenues as the greenback falls against major currencies.

Entrance to many sites for foreign tourists in India is priced in dollars and then converted to rupees, meaning that authorities have been losing money this year as the dollar slid more than 12 percent against the local currency. The Ministry of Culture said in a statement that the move was "to avoid any anomaly on account of falling exchange rates of US $ vis-?-vis Rupee and consequent fall in revenues".

The government had fixed a $5 entrance fee for World Heritage sites like the Taj Mahal and $2 for other monuments at a time when the dollar was worth about 50 rupees. The dollar is now worth around 39 rupees.

The new rate for World Heritage Sites is fixed at 250 rupees, meaning a foreign tourist will pay the equivalent of about $6.50.

More than 4 million tourists visited India last year, bringing in around $6.6 billion in foreign exchange earnings.

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China firemen told to abstain from sexual bribes

Thu Nov 15, 9:58 PM ET

BEIJING (Reuters) - China has banned fire department officials from receiving sexual favours as bribes from companies seeking their business, local media reported on Friday.

Fire department officials were also banned from letting their spouses and children run fire-fighting companies and market fire-fighting products, part of an anti-corruption drive outlined in a notice posted on the Public Security ministry Web site.

Apart from taking cash and "other valuables", the order forbade officials from receiving "cheap or free house renovations", "having children entered into schools" and "receiving sexual services" provided by third parties.

A commentary carried by the official Xinhua news agency on Friday praised the order -- officially abbreviated as the "Four Strictly Forbiddens" -- as timely.

"For every 10 corrupt officials, nine are involved in illicit sex. This old tune has already been proved by statistics from disciplinary organs many times," Xinhua said. "The people believe that the trade of authority for sex is still comparatively serious," the commentary said.

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Cows flee after seeing McDonald's

Tue Nov 13, 7:43 PM ET

WEST HAVEN, Utah - McDonald's? The burger joint? Stampede!

Eight cows escaped from a trailer when the rear gate opened as the driver pulled into a McDonald's. It took about two hours to round them up Monday.

"Maybe they were going to ... hop in the freezer, save the middleman," Weber County sheriff's Sgt. Dave Creager said.

Lt. Kevin Burns had another theory: "They didn't like their future."

The roundup was called "Operation Hamburger Helper." A nearby resident even hopped on his horse.

"I thought my eyes were lying," said Wayne Sanders, who was at a truck stop next door. "I don't know where they came from, but I'd say they'd have to weigh 800 pounds apiece and they were on a pretty good trot."

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

China Trunk Man Robs Tourists

AS the China Daily reports: “About halfway home, the driver received an ‘urgent call’ and told Lei that he would have to drop her off and turn back. He waived her fee, unloaded her luggage and helped her get another taxi.”When she returned home, Lei discovered that her notebook computer had been removed from her luggage and called police.

“After a month-long investigation, police determined that the driver had hid somebody in the trunk specifically to steal luggage. Both the driver and the ‘trunk man’ were arrested.”