Subject: Daily Dose - 080115 - gestures, BIZARRE NEWS, travel agency, DDL, Rotten News

Chuck was always shy with girls. One evening, he got his best friend, Bob, to go with him to a singles bar. Bob, being very experienced, was supposed to help Chuck in his quest for female companionship, and sexual companionship.

One sweet young thing in the room noticed Chuck, thought he was cute, and decided to make contact with him. Since she was a little shy, she could not just go up to him, but had to use gestures.

"Bob," Chuck said. "That girl over there is giving me the eye. What should I do?"

"Give her the eye back," replied Bob. So Chuck, as best as he could, gave her the eye. A few moments passed.

"Bob," said Chuck, now getting rather excited. "She's smiling at me. What do I do?"

"Smile back," was the reply. So Chuck, trying to appear cool and calm, smiled back. A few more moments passed.

"Bob!" exclaimed Chuck. "She bent over and showed me her tits. Now what do I do?"

"Show her your nuts," Bob calmly replied.

So Chuck turned toward the girl, stuck his thumbs in his ears, and waving his fingers stuck out his tongue, and wiggling it, exclaimed, "Bluble, bluble, bluble!"

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Methods of Contraception

Back in 23-70 AD, Roman nobleman Pliny the Elder believed that if you took two small worms from the body of a certain species of spider and attached them -- wrapped in deer skin, mind you -- to a woman's body before sunrise, she would not conceive.

It was believed in ancient times that if a woman spat three times into a frog's mouth she would not conceive for a year.

Supposedly, a pebble clasped in the hand during coitus would also stop conception.

St. Albert the Great (1193-1280) advised women to eat bees as an effective contraception procedure.

Aetios of Amida (fl. 527-565) suggested that a man should wash his penis in vinegar or brine before having sex and that a woman should wear a cat's testicle in a tube across her navel to avoid contraception.

***

Burglars break into cop-filled van

CHICAGO - Three allegedly car burglars in Orland Park, Ill., had a rude awakening when the conversion van they planned to steal from was full of police officers.

The three suspects, Adam Radz, 21, Justin Garcia, 19, and Erin Henrichs, 21, were each charged with one count of burglary, the Chicago Daily Southtown reported.

The police were investigating a recent string of car break-ins in a residential neighborhood when the three men broke into their van. Police said that over the past two weeks car burglars have smashed windows and opened unlocked doors in Orland Park to steal things like CDs, radar detectors and cell phones.

***

British great white spotting a hoax

NEWQUAY, England - A man who claimed to have snapped a photo of a great white shark stalking off the coast of Newquay, England, has reportedly admitted it was a hoax.

Kevin Keeble, whose photograph first appeared in July on the cover of the Newquay Guardian, reportedly told rival publication the Newquay Voice he took the picture in Cape Town, South Africa, The Telegraph reported Thursday.

"I took it whilst I was on a fishing trip in Cape Town and just sent it in as a joke," the newspaper quoted Keeble as saying. "I didn't expect anyone to be daft enough to take it seriously."

The photograph, which was initially accompanied by Keeble's bogus story of spotting the shark while mackerel fishing off the English coast, set off a firestorm of media coverage discussing whether the waters were safe.

***

Man arrested after intruder injured

MANCHESTER, England - British police have arrested a homeowner after an alleged burglar he confronted in his home plummeted from a fourth story window.

Manchester, England, police said the homeowner awoke Monday and found the 43-year-old intruder in his home, The Telegraph reported Thursday.

"At about 6.10 a.m. on Monday, 6 Aug, 2007, police were called to Corkland Road in Chorlton-cum-Hardy following a report that a 56-year-old man had woken to find a man in his flat," a police spokesman said. "Following an exchange of words, the alleged burglar was found unconscious on the pavement outside the flat."

Police described the alleged burglar's injuries as life-threatening. The homeowner has been released on bail.

The case is expected to raise debate over the right of homeowners to defend their homes against intruders, The Telegraph said.

***

Giant plastic muffin burned in Greer, S.C.

GREER, S.C. - A 4-and-1/2-foot tall plastic muffin that was used as a promotional tool for a grocery store in Greer, S.C., has been burned.

The giant muffin, which disappeared July 19, was found after a teen that was being questioned by police sent them to where the charred muffin was being kept, WYFF-TV, Greenville, S.C., reported Friday.

The Bloom Supermarket had previously offered a reward for the safe return of the muffin, which has an estimated value of around $4,500, but police said that a safe return is no longer possible.

The muffin was found burned beyond recognition in a pile of melted plastic. Bloom supermarket officials said they would not press charges against three teenagers, aged 15 to 17, who allegedly stole the muffin.

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Amanda, a worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. Samuel reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter he'd written then.

"All you have to do," her boss said, "is change the details, the date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."

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DDL

There was a young harlot named Schwartz

Whose cock-pit was studded with warts.

And they tickled so nice

She drew a high price

From the studs at the summer resorts.

Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,

Was seldom hard up for a diddle.

For according to rumor,

His tool had a tumor,

And a fine row of warts down the middle.

Her brother, a bastard named Ben,

Could rotate his pecker, and then

He would shoot through his rear,

Which made him the dear

Of the girls, and the envy of men.

Her other young brother, named Saul,

Was able to bounce either ball.

He could stretch them and snap them,

And juggle and clap them,

Which earned him the plaudits of all.

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"I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey game there. You know you've made it when there's a game named after you. It was called 'The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.'"

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Yesterday, on '60 Minutes' French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of the interview. Citizens of France say the president acted rudely - and they've never been prouder."

-Conan O'Brien

***

Talk Nasty

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

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News from the British Tabloids....

Chocolate willy causes offence

An Italian sweet shop owner has been fined after making chocolate copies of a local porn star's proudest asset.

Bologna police told Teresa Conti, 40, to melt down the chocolate version of blue movie actor Rocco Siffredi's penis. They said numerous passersby with children had complained of the confectionery organs on display in the window.

She was fined £150 for promoting indecency.

Conti said: "I only did it to get one up over my rivals and the displays in their chocolate shops."

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Man had sex with a bicycle

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

He was sentenced to three years on probation and placed on the Sex Offenders Register at Ayr Sheriff Court.

The court heard that cleaners in a hostel found Miller naked from the waist down, holding his bike and moving his hips backwards and forwards in a sexual manner.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart, a bachelor: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

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Couple's quads shock

A Derbyshire woman found out she was expecting quadruplets - four days before her boyfriend was due for the snip.

Daniel Morley, 32, had booked in for a vasectomy as he and Dawn Tilt, 31, already had three children, reports the Daily Mirror. They discovered she was pregnant four days before the op but had no idea they would be having quads until her 12 week scan.

Daniel, a steelworker, said: "It was a bombshell. I was happy and dumbfounded in equal measure. I was just speechless."

Dawn, of Castle Gresley, added: "It was such a shock. I was lying on the table and just burst into tears."

The childhood sweethearts were not on any fertility drugs, meaning they have defied 729,000-1 odds to have quads. The babies, all healthy, are due to be delivered by caesarean section in March, nine weeks before their due date.

Now the excited parents are already thinking about the practicalities of life with seven kids.

Dawn asked: "How on earth do you manage a school run? I'm going to have five children under two, for goodness sake."

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Mutton dressed up as bacon

Baa-ck in Britain: The sheep-pig A farmer has reintroduced a sheep-pig breed which became extinct in Britain 37 years ago.

The 'Curly Coats' were exported to Hungary during the early 20th century, where their coat helped them survive harsh winters. They were then cross-bred with the Mangalitza, a similar breed, creating the 'Lincolista'.

Tony York found them thriving in Austria and brought 17 of the sub-breed back to his Pigs Paradise farm near Stonehenge in Wiltshire.

The British Pig Association has now agreed to register them as direct descendants of the Lincolnshire Curly Coat.