Subject: Daily Dose - 080114 - induction physical, News from the British Tabloids, kitchen cabinets, DDL, Rotten News

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.

"What chart?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall! "The doctor said.

"What wall?"

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in naked. "What do you see now?"

"Nothing."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Jackson!. Welcome to the Army son."

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News from the British Tabloids....

Anthem gaffe 'helped Croatia'

The British singer who sang the Croatian anthem before last night's match accidentally sang 'My penis is a mountain'.

Tony Henry was trying to sing the national anthem in Croatian, but reportedly got the words wrong. Fans say the mispronounciation helped the players relax before the game at Wembley where Croatia beat England 3-2.

The national anthem is written in old style Croatian, and there can be slightly different interpretations in English because it is a very lyrical language. The line in which Henry slipped up should have been "mila kuda si planina" (You know my dear how we love your mountains).

But what he actually sang was "mila kura si planina" which means "Dear Penis, you are a Mountain" or "My Dear, my penis is a mountain".

Croat players like Manchester City's Vedran Corluka and Arsenal target Luka Modric started looking at each other and grinning when they realised what he was singing.

Croat fan websites have been calling for Henry to be given a medal of honour for helping the players relax, they also want him made an official team mascot for the tournament.

***

Firms asks women to work in their undies

A Taiwanese lingerie company encouraged all its female office staff to go to work in their undies for the day.

The Audrey Underwear company in Taizhong city named November 21 Camisole Day to celebrate record sales. All 500 women working in the firm's headquarters were encouraged to wear only camisoles and knickers - much to the excitement of their male colleagues.

"We have been waiting for this day all month. Today, we are super high, and don't know where to put our eyes," salesman Cai Mingda told Straits News.

More than 90% of female workers reportedly went along with the spirit of the day and worked in their underwear.

Zhang Yufeng, 32, a mother of two, admitted: "I have been on a strict diet to get ready for the day. When I was trying on my outfit at home, my husband told me I should dress like this every day."

And Liao Wenshen, 30, added: "The men were red-faced all day, and were becoming so polite to us. It's so funny!"

Huang Bihui, PR manager of the company, explained: "We introduced eight new camisoles into market and sold more than 20,000 in less than two months so we named the 21st as Camisole Day."

Employment lawyers said there was nothing illegal in the move so long as it was voluntary but it had its critics.

***

A Cold Day In November: Nora Hardwick Is The 102-Year-Old Topless Model

“ALE be damned,” exclaims the Sun, “102-year-old pensioner Nora Hardwick poses topless and becomes one of the oldest women ever to appear in a nude calendar.”

Looking back over past copies of novelty calendars, we note keen competition from one Ginger Spice (Spice Times - February 2002), Noele Gordon (Crossroads Calendar 1978) and Topless Queens 1986 (with Page 3 stunna Zoe playing Nefertit-ty).

But we concur with the Sun and award the prize of oldest topless calendar girl to Ms Hardwick, the former-councillor, from Lincolnshire.

Says Nora: “I’d never done anything like it before - and I doubt I will again. I just thought ‘go for it’ and I’m so glad I did!”

Readers will be interested to note that Ms November is sporting a long scarf over her thruppeny bits, and a pair of Anorak’s Comfi-Slax for the mature topless model over her ’slippers’…

***

Blondes drive men stupid

Blonde women really do make men lose their heads, according to scientists.

Tests showed that men performed worse after they were shown pictures of fair-haired women, reports the Daily Telegraph. Researchers concluded that rather than simply being distracted, the men were subconsciously copying the stereotype of the "blonde bimbo".

Academics at the University of Paris X-Nanterre examined men's ability to complete general knowledge tests after exposure to women with different hair colours. Throughout both trials, those participants exposed to blondes recorded the lowest scores.

"This proves that people confronted with stereotypes generally behave in line with them," said Thierry Meyer, joint author of the study and professor of social psychology at the university. In this case blondes have the potential to make people act in a dumber way, because they mimic the unconscious stereotype of the dumb blonde."

***

High flying thief caught

A Chinese thief who went on a high-altitude crime spree robbing airline passengers in mid-flight has been arrested.

Li Mingwan would buy cheap tickets and fly to rich cities or regions to plunder unsuspecting passengers in mid-air. Police said he flew on 209 flights over a 15 month period buying cheap tickets on flights to wealthy cities and targeted businessmen, stealing from them while they were asleep or watching in-flight movies.

But he was caught at Shijiazhuang airport when a passenger sitting in front of him reported a theft on a flight to cabin crew who called ahead to police at the airport.

Li, from a sleepy township in Henan province, confessed to stealing at least £25,000 to police and added: "It's much easier to steal on a plane, since people are usually asleep, or watching movies. My success rate was above 40 per cent."

He is facing 15 years in jail.

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Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. Then she went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that her husband had surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets.

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."

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DDL

Her convictions are strong, though I rib her

She will harp on fem rights till I gibber:

"If you're so right

Then get out and fight!"

But she won't:  A real chicken libber.

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"This week, a 90-year-old man in Minnesota became the oldest person to win a Nobel Prize. Next week, the 90-year-old man will be the first person to misplace the Nobel Prize."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm gonna live a long, long time."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a woman's chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice cream increases a woman's chances of looking pregnant."

-Conan O'Brien

***

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

- Demetri Martin

***

"A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused."

- Shirley Maclaine

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Rotten News....  (true)

November 15, 2007 

Car swept away by ocean, washes up on beach

By Karen Boden, THE CANADIAN PRESS

PORT ALBERNI, B.C. - A Port Alberni woman had the last laugh when the ocean devoured her SUV and regurgitated it an hour later in a tangled mess of metal on the beach.

Jasmine Meyers was staying at the Eagles Nest Hotel in Campbell River, B.C., during the wild storm that attacked the east coast of Vancouver Island early this week.

"We woke up to my mom screaming 'your car! your car! your car's about to go in the water,"' she said Wednesday.

She'd parked her 2004 Rav-4 in the hotel's parking lot that she describes as a sort of a sea wall. The storm that raged throughout coastal areas hit extra hard in the Campbell River area.

Meyers said she didn't sleep at all because the wind was so loud that night. At about 8:30 a.m. the bank beneath the parking lot gave way. Huge waves grabbed hold and the Toyota slid and tumbled into the water.

"My husband managed to grab a few things out of the back our fishing rods, and ironically a life preserver," Meyers said.

Her mother snapped pictures while the relentless, roaring waves pulled the car out to sea. Then Meyers and her family members could only watch helplessly as the vehicle was tossed and buffeted around in front of the hotel.

"It floated around out there for about an hour."

Then the ocean spit the crumpled machine back up on the beach.

**********

November 15, 2007 

Historic whiskey could go down drain

By JOE EDWARDS

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Here’s a sobering thought: Hundreds of bottles of Jack Daniel’s whiskey, some of it almost 100 years old, may be unceremoniously poured down a drain because authorities suspect it was being sold by someone without a license.

Officials seized 2,400 bottles late last month during warehouse raids in Nashville and Lynchburg, the southern Tennessee town where the whiskey is distilled.

“Punish the person, not the whiskey,” said an outraged Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel’s drinker from British Columbia who promotes the whiskey on his blog. “Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent.”

Tennessee law requires officials to destroy whiskey that cannot be sold legally in the state, such as bottles designed for sale overseas and those with broken seals.

“We’d pour it out,” said Danielle Elks, executive director of the Tennessee Alcoholic Beverage Commission.

The estimated value of the liquor is $1 million, possibly driven up by the value of the antique bottles, which range from 3-liter bottles to half-pints.

One seized bottle dates to 1914, with its seal unbroken. Elks said it is worth $10,000 on the collectors market. Investigators are looking into whether the liquor was being sold for the value of the bottles rather than the whiskey.

Elks acknowledged that pouring out the whiskey would not be a happy hour for her.

“It’d kill me,” she said.

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Cypriot seeks to unravel curse with pants and egg

Fri Nov 16, 3:22 AM ET

NICOSIA (Reuters) - Having marital problems? Have you tried putting egg in your underpants?

A woman in Cyprus is on trial for sorcery after pledging to shake off a curse apparently plaguing a man's relationship with his wife and mother-in-law. The suggested remedy consisted of an egg, a spoon, a nail, some pubic hairs and underpants, local media reported on Friday.

"She cracked the egg into my underpants," the 37-year-old man told a district court in the capital Nicosia.

The elderly woman wanted some 5,000 Cyprus pounds (5,968 pounds) for her efforts, the man said, so he went to police.

Sorcery is banned in Cyprus though many people indulge in card readings and palmistry and read runes in coffee cups.

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Amazing Coincidences

Childhood Book

While American novelist Anne Parrish was browsing bookstores in Paris in the 1920s, she came upon a book that was one of her childhood favorites - Jack Frost and Other Stories. She picked up the old book and showed it to her husband, telling him of the book she fondly remembered as a child.

Her husband took the book, opened it, and on the flyleaf found the inscription: “Anne Parrish, 209 N. Weber Street, Colorado Springs.” It was Anne’s very own book.

***

Poker Luck

In 1858, Robert Fallon was shot dead, an act of vengeance by those with whom he was playing poker.

Fallon, they claimed, had won the $600 pot through cheating. With Fallon’s seat empty and none of the other players willing to take the now unlucky $600, they found a new player to take Fallon’s place and staked him with the dead man’s $600.

By the time the police had arrived to investigate the killing, the new player had turned the $600 into $2,200 in winnings. The police demanded the original $600 to pass on to Fallon’s next of kin - only to discover that the new player turned out to be Fallon’s son, who had not seen his father in seven years!

***

Twin Deaths

In 2002, Seventy-year-old twin brothers died within hours of one another after separate accidents on the same road in northern Finland.

The first of the twins died when he was hit by a lorry while riding his bike in Raahe, 600 kilometres north of the capital, Helsinki. He died just 1.5km from the spot where his brother was killed.

“This is simply a historic coincidence. Although the road is a busy one, accidents don’t occur every day,” police officer Marja-Leena Huhtala told Reuters. “It made my hair stand on end when I heard the two were brothers, and identical twins at that. It came to mind that perhaps someone from upstairs had a say in this,” she said.