Subject: Daily Dose - 080110 -
seamstress, THIS is TRUE, sealing wax, DDL, News from the British Tabloids
Happy Hijra New Year !!!! Hard to believe its 1429 already….
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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
She replied her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was upset. "You lied! That is not the truth."
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
So the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
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THIS is TRUE...
DISHARMONY: During a celebration of its National Day, Belgium's new prime minister, Yves Leterme, was asked to sing the country's national anthem. He stood up to the microphone and began singing the Marseillaise -- France's national anthem. The resulting video is getting hundreds of thousands of hits on YouTube. But his day of gaffes wasn't over yet: When asked what Belgium's National Day commemorates, Leterme confidently answered, "The proclamation of the constitution." Nope: it is to remember the day that Leopold I became King in 1831. (London Times)
...Although in the future, it will be better known as the day to commemorate the cluelessness of elected officials.
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MORE DISHARMONY: Rev. Robert Nichols, 49, has been an anger management counselor for several years in Gary, Ind. Courts there often order people charged with domestic battery to see him. But that won't be happening any more, said Gary City Court Judge Deidre Monroe. "It's our policy that anyone working in the court system can't have criminal charges," she said, and Nichols has been arrested and charged with domestic battery after allegedly beating up his wife. (Merrillville Post-Tribune)
...Who do you see to help deal with that?
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YOU MADE YOUR BED, NOW LIE IN IT: Girlguiding UK, polled over 1,000 Girl Guides to discover what they think they need to know to survive in the modern world. Girls aged 10-15 said they needed to know how to cook a healthy meal, pitch a tent, and stand up to boys. Guides 16 and up had slightly different needs: how to manage debt, reduce their carbon footprint, have safe sex, and how to assemble furniture. While some news reports focused on the sex part, the girls seemed more interested in the assembling furniture part. "We all need furniture," one 19-year-old said. "No one wants to live out of cardboard boxes." (London Times)
...Though notice most teens don't seem to mind eating out of cardboard boxes.
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MORON OF THE MONTH: During a robbery at a 7-Eleven convenience store in Gloucester, Mass., the clerk grabbed a hammer and fought back, hitting the robber several times, causing several wounds. The robber ran off, but left a dog behind. Police simply let the dog go and followed it home. Its owner said his roommate, who had recently gotten out of jail after serving time for robbery, had taken it for a walk. The officers returned to the store and spotted a bloody man trying to hide; the store clerk identified him as the robber. Police were able to identify the bloodied man as Ricci Marshall Jr., 27, which wasn't a terribly difficult task. "He was just out of jail," a police spokesman said. "He still had his [jail] ID on him when we got him." (Gloucester Daily Times)
...It's a good thing he's used to wearing that.
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THAT'LL TEACH HIM: "East Naples Woman Backs over Man Teaching Her How to Drive"
-- Naples (Fla.) News headline
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As a language teacher, I usually award certificates of merit to deserving students. One year I decided to change the format of the certificates and use a seal stamped with my initials.
I called a number of places to buy sealing wax, but they all had identical reactions...a long silence followed by an apology for not having any in stock.
On my last call there was the silence, but then the salesman asked, "Why ceiling as opposed to floor?"
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DDL
The breasts of a woman named Helen,
Were the size of a large watermelon.
When she hove into sight,
All the men would take fright,
And run away, screamin' and yellin'.
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"Dad's are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad will do is look over the paper and grumble, 'Shake it off!'"
--Robert G. Lee
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"My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn't good for me. So I put a strobe light over the table."
--Nick Arnette
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"When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my own toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I wanted."
--Scott Wood
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PHILANTHROPIST, n: One who gives away what he should give back.
--Unknown.
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Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a dissapointment.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
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News from the British Tabloids....
Why wet socks can cure your cold.. (AND OTHER STRANGE REMEDIES)
Next time a minor ailment strikes, don't dash to the chemist - you may have the cure in your kitchen. Home remedies can be just as effective as over-the-counter medicine - and at a fraction of the cost.
"A lot of home remedies may seem quite bizarre but they have a sound scientific basis," says Dr James Le Fanu, GP and author of Complete Home Remedies (Constable & Robinson, £7.99). Here are a few of our favourites...
Wet socks for sniffles
To clear congestion when you have a cold, first warm your feet in hot water, then soak a thin pair of socks in cold water, wring them out and put them on. Put a pair of thick, dry socks over the wet ones and go to bed. According to 1,001 Home Remedies (Reader's Digest, £24.99), the wet socks help draw blood to your feet, thereby boosting circulation, which helps clear congestion.
ASPIRIN FOR DANDRUFF
Three aspirins dissolved in a bottle of shampoo work wonders for a flaky scalp.
Spuds for styes
Microwave a potato, cut it in half and wrap in a tea towel. Once it's cool enough to touch, hold it to your eye for 10 minutes. The warmth will help draw out the fluid.
STRAWBERRIES FOR STAINED TEETH
If you rub strawberries over your teeth, natural acids help erase superficial stains.
Blast away ear wax
If you're suffering from waxy build up, wave a hairdryer over your ears for a few seconds - the heat helps thin the wax.
LAUGH OFF CONSTIPATION
The Doctor's Book Of Home Remedies (Pan MacMillan, £20) says laughter has a massaging effect on the intestine.
Chocolate for coughs
If a tickly cough is bugging you, treat yourself to a bar of chocolate. Theobromine, found in cocoa, suppresses sensory nerves, which will help soothe your throat.
BEANS FOR BAD BREATH
Crunching on a raw coffee bean helps banish bad breath.
Tea for smelly feet
1,001 HOME Remedies suggests a daily tea bath. Simmer two teabags in 500ml of water for 15 minutes. Dilute with two litres of water and soak feet for 30 mins. The tannic acid kills bacteria.
SOAP FOR SPLINTERS
Mix a little brown sugar with some soft soap (from the underside of a bar) and place on a plaster or piece of lint. Put over the splinter and stick down firmly. Leave overnight and, by morning, the splinter should be on the lint.
Spuds to fight fatigue
Cut a washed, unpeeled potato into slices and leave in a glass of cold water overnight. The juice, drunk in the morning, is rich in potassium - a nutrient we often lack when we're run down.
KETCHUP FOR BLONDES
If chlorine from the swimming pool has left your hair with the dreaded green tinge, grab a bottle of tomato ketchup. Spread it on damp hair, cover with cling film for 30 minutes and rinse. The red in the sauce will neutralise the green.
Footbath for headaches
Soaking your feet in hot water helps soothe a pounding head by drawing blood to your feet and so easing pressure on the blood vessels up top. For a really bad headache, add a bit of mustard powder to the water.
STOP NOSE BLEEDS WITH A CORK
No, you don't put it up your nose. Sit over a basin with the cork between your teeth and the drips soon stop. Or try the old wives trick of a bunch of cold keys down the back of your neck - the sudden chill causes the blood vessels in your nose to contract.
Bananas banish warts
Once a day after washing, rub the inside of a banana skin over the wart. According to Dr Le Fanu: "After one week the wart becomes softer and the pain diminishes. After two weeks shrinkage becomes obvious. After a maximum treatment of six weeks, the wart completely disappears."
PEANUT BUTTER FOR HICCUPS
When hiccups strike, scoff a spoonful of peanut butter, suggests 1,001 Home Remedies. Trying to suck it off your tongue and teeth and swallowing it interrupts your breathing patterns - which helps to calm the diaphragm and stop hiccups.
Pencil out a headache
Most headaches are caused by muscular tension. Next time one strikes, put a pencil between your teeth but don't bite. This relaxes a lot of your facial muscles, which helps ease the headache. For added relief, turn your head slowly four times in each direction to stretch out the muscles.
CAFFEINE CURE
Coffee can also help headaches by reducing swelling in the blood vessels in your head. Have one strong cup.
Teabags for ulcers
Place a damp teabag on a mouth ulcer for five minutes. It's the tannic acid again that helps calm swelling and relieve pain.
..AND COLD SORES
Tannins in tea also have antioxidant properties, which help suppress the infections that cause cold sores. Apply a cooled, used teabag to the cold sore, or dab with a ball of cotton wool dunked in cold tea.
Zap zits with sugar
Bring spots to a head by mashing together equal quantities of soap and sugar. Daub the mixture on the spot, cover with a plaster and leave overnight. The following morning, the zit should have been brought to a head so it can be removed with a tissue.
HONEY TO HEAL
Dab a little honey on minor cuts and grazes. Honey is an antiseptic so will help keep the wound clean. Studies show it speeds up healing and counters inflammation.
Fight fungus
To treat athlete's foot, add a little water to a tablespoon of baking soda and rub the paste between your toes. Rinse, dry thoroughly and finish with a dusting of cornflour.
PASTE FOR BITES
Rub a little toothpaste into insect bites as soon as you notice them. It will soothe the pain, stop the itch and prevent swelling.
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Best job in the world?
A Tesco worker says she has the best job in the world - as the store's chief lager taster.
Helen Moores has tasted more than a thousand lagers since she started the job two years ago. Helen has visited more than 30 countries researching her role.
According to the Sun she said: "I certainly do enjoy my work - even though I sometimes have to start tasting lagers at 9.30 in the morning. The secret with the early morning tastings is to make sure you haven't had too much the night before.
"Wine tasters swill the liquid round their mouths and then spit it out. But with beer you only get the full flavour if you take a good swig and swallow it. Sometimes I sample more than 20 beers in a session - so I have to watch it."
Helen who works at Tesco HQ in Cheshunt, Hertfordshire, admitted her boyfriend is very jealous of her job.
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Diner hooked on fish
A Chinese man got a fish hook stuck in his tongue while eating fish at a restaurant. Mr Pei, of Shanghai city, thought his tongue had been pierced by a bone at first.
"I tried to take the bone out, but I felt metal with my tongue, and had blood all over my hand," he told Laodong Daily.
He was taken to a nearby hospital where doctors removed a 1cm hook from his tongue.
A hospital spokesman said: "He should recover soon, but his eating will be restricted for the next few days."
The restaurant has agreed to pay an undisclosed amount of compensation to Mr Pei.
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Editor's basic instinct: defend McKew shot
Not the shot in question .... the photo readers complained about took a more frontal approach to Maxine McKew's encounter with John Howard.
December 13, 2007 - 5:16PM
Canberra Times editor Mark Baker has defended his newspaper's decision to publish a revealing front-page photograph of Labor MP Maxine McKew in a short dress.
The broadsheet received complaints from readers today after it ran the image of Ms McKew talking animatedly to former prime minister John Howard at a function to officially declare her the winner in the Sydney seat of Bennelong. The front-on photograph shows Ms McKew sitting alongside Mr Howard and, while it does not display anything inappropriate, suggests she may not be wearing underwear.
Online news site Crikey branded the photo Ms McKew's "Sharon Stone moment", a reference to the infamous scene from Basic Instinct.
Mr Baker today expressed regret to any readers who had been offended by the image, while defending it as a "tremendous picture".
"It didn't occur to me that people would have a problem with the issue of the dress," he said. "It's been an extraordinary response from people."
Mr Baker insisted it was his decision to run the photo and it had not occurred to him some readers would find it offensive.
"There's nothing immodest or undignified about it," he said. "You can see a little bit more of Maxine's legs but there's nothing more than that. To the extent that some people could be offended, I regret that - by no means do we ever set out to offend people."
Now THIS is the shot that raised all the “hullabaloo” (an Australian word, I think…).
(Thanks to John in Rome for this lead…)