Subject: Daily Dose - 080109 - Mammoth DNA, News from the British Tabloids, back door, DDL, Rotten News

Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise.

Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp. He was very happy at first but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body.

After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he demanded.

"It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth."

"Oh," said the man. "That would explain the size of my balls."

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News from the British Tabloids....

Lamb Aid after animal's moor fall

A lamb who was found near to death on the Lancashire moors has become the subject of a charity rock concert.

Horse riders from Dam Top Riding Centre in Rawtenstall found the lamb - who has been named Shaun - injured in a gully. They brought the five-week-old back to the stables where NHS worker Gian Rothwell has been looking after his damaged leg and hoof ever since, reports the BBC.

A concert, dubbed "Lamb Aid", is now being held on Saturday to help raise money for Shaun's vet bills. The vet confirmed that the lamb had suffered nerve and tissue damage.

Local rock band Badger will play at New Hall Hey social club in his honour this weekend. Proceeds will also go to the Bleakholt Animal Sanctuary in Edenfield, Rochdale.

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Pub becomes embassy to beat cig ban

Landlord Bob Beech is getting round next week's ciggie ban by turning his bar into an embassy for a remote Caribbean island.

He claims the Wellington Arms in Southampton will be the only pub in Britain to allow smoking after Sunday - by becoming the UK base for tiny, uninhabited Redonda. Earlier this month a senior "attache" to its ruler named it as the UK consulate for the island, which is 35 miles off Antigua.

As an embassy, it would be classed as "foreign soil", allowing smokers a haven - as well as VAT-free cheap drinks, reports The Sun. The attache who granted consulate status is Redonda's official cardinal Edward Elder - a regular at the pub.

Cardinal Elder, 72, said: "We'll be declaring our credentials to the Queen and will see what happens."

The Department of Health admitted: "The smoke-free law will not be enforceable against premises that have diplomatic status."

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Dad digs up 50ft war bunker

Green-fingered Andy Lewis started clearing his garden - and found a 50ft x 30ft bunker.

Andy, 36, and partner Fiona Marks, 27, came across a manhole while digging and removing shrubs, reports The Sun. They lifted the lid to find a ladder to a room littered with old coins, food tins, a child's doll - and animal bones.

A local historian told them he thinks it was used as a store during World Wars I and II which children played in later.

The couple, whose 1950s ex-MoD home in Salisbury, Wilts, is on a former airfield, may now build a gym in it.

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Aussie drivers hit below belt

A new Australian ad campaign is seeking to reduce road deaths by questioning the manhood of speeding drivers.

The series of TV ads shows women shaking their little finger - a gesture used to symbolise a small penis - as speeding male motorists race past. The campaign aims to make speeding socially unacceptable among young drivers, reports the BBC.

The "Speeding. No-one Thinks Big of You" campaign will run on TV, in cinemas, at bus shelters and online.

The shock tactics of previous adverts that showed disturbing images of death and injury in road crashes have not worked, says the New South Wales state government authority behind the ads, the Roads and Traffic Authority (RTA).

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Wife replaced by cow on grave

A farmer has replaced his wife's name on the family grave with a picture of his favourite cow.

Zivomir Nesic, 58, from Markovac, demanded his pre-ordered gravestone be changed after a row with his wife.

He said: 'I always said my wife was a cow so, if I'm going to have a cow on my grave, I would rather it was one I actually liked.'

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A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.

"Quick!" she said to the man, "it's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!"

"Where's the back door?" the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.

"There isn't one," she replied.

"Where would you like one?" he asked.

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DDL

Last night I was guest at the Schmidts.

I left there scared out of my wits.

There were hideous shrieks,

Framed pictures of freaks,

And bathtowels marked "His," "Hers," and "ITS!"

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"Remember President Bush's trip to England a couple of months ago? Seems the Brits were a little upset with Dubya. In fact, in a speech the mayor of London described Bush as 'the greatest threat to life on this planet.' After hearing this President Bush said, 'That's ridiculous. What about Godzilla?'"

-Conan O'Brien

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Everyone excited about Halloween? Every year, they try to contact Houdini on Halloween. And I thought, 'Wait a minute - isn't that one of the good things about being dead, not having to take calls?'"

-Dave Letterman

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"Britney Spears' new album is getting great reviews despite being recorded in her car, at a Taco Bell drive through."

-Jimmy Kimmel

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You know that "Check here if blind" box on your tax form? You can get a great deduction by using that, but it's a trap. NEVER check inside that box. I put my check over by the margin...better to miss by an inch or so.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

- Unknown

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Rotten News....  (true)

Pastor's wife: Church is a divorce asset

Fri Nov 16, 9:59 PM ET

MINEOLA, N.Y. - The estranged wife of a pastor claims her husband blended his professional and personal finances so thoroughly that his church should be counted as an asset in their divorce.

A judge agreed in a decision published this week to hear arguments on the claim, and he ordered a financial appraisal of the church. Lawyers said it could represent the first time anyone in New York state has tried to treat a religious institution as a marital asset.

The wife argues that her husband of 31 years used his Brooklyn church as a "personal piggy bank," setting his own income, spending the congregation's tithes as he pleased and running a catering business from the building, according to the decision by state Supreme Court Judge Arthur M. Diamond. The couple's names were redacted from the decision.

The wife said $50,000 of the couple's money went into starting the church, and that the church property is partly hers.

"That church is no different than any other business he might have opened," said the wife's lawyer, Robert Pollack.

The pastor maintains he is simply a church employee, and the institution's funds should not be considered his, according to Diamond's decision.

"My client can't own the church," said the minister's lawyer, Eleanor Gery.

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Wed, November 14, 2007

'Horrible experience'Couple 'cuffed by U.S. guards victim of mistaken ID

By JACK POIRIER, SUN MEDIA

SARNIA -- One city couple is done with cross-border shopping after they were ordered from their car and handcuffed in front of their frightened children by U.S. border officials.

Jeff and Kelly Thomas had crossed the Blue Water Bridge near Sarnia to do a little shopping in Michigan Friday when they pulled up at an inspection booth around 5 p.m. While a U.S. border official processed his identification, a security warning sounded," Jeff Thomas said.

"All of a sudden there was this ear-piercing alarm that went off. I looked over and saw 15 to 20 custom officers coming towards us."

The officers, with hands on guns, ordered Jeff to switch off the vehicle and place his hands on the steering wheel. He was ordered from the car, handcuffed, and taken into the U.S. Customs and Border Protection building, he said.

"I just froze."

Meanwhile, his wife said she was handcuffed and taken into custody as their frightened children, Brandon, 14, and Mackenzie, 10, looked on.

"My daughter was crying. I remember Jeff's face just going grey. It was a horrible experience," Kelly Thomas said Monday.

The Thomas' said a few minutes later border agents removed the restraints and released them. They were told it was a case of mistaken identity and that Jeff's name and birth date were "similar" to someone wanted for a crime.

"There were no apologies. All we wanted to do was go to Target and pick up some early Christmas gifts," Kelly Thomas said.

The couple said the experience was humiliating. Traffic lanes were essentially closed during the incident as hundreds of motorists looked on. To add insult to injury, customs officials said the same thing might happen again if Jeff returns to Port Huron.

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November 15, 2007 

Some neighbors of Tolerance Museum oppose expansion

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Neighbors are losing their tolerance for the Museum of Tolerance.

People who live near the museum in West Los Angeles oppose plans for a two-story cultural center that could be rented out for private events, such as weddings. The museum also wants to expand its hours to midnight, when such events are held, and to reduce its 100-foot buffer zone from homes to 20 feet.

Some neighbors, concerned about additional noise and traffic, have collected about 70 signatures for a petition asking the city to reject the proposal.

“They don’t care about us as neighbors,” said Sharron Lerman, a neighbor and museum member. “Very insensitive.”

The museum is owned by the Simon Wiesenthal Center. The center’s founder and dean, Rabbi Marvin Hier, said the 13,500-square-foot cultural center was needed to raise money and accommodate demand.

“Cultural institutions must be allowed reasonable growth,” he said. “We can’t stay where we are in the same amount of square footage.”

Hier noted Wednesday that the center has gotten 464 letters of support from homeowners. He also argued that the proposed center would reduce noise because it would enclose what is currently an open museum plaza.

The 14-year-old museum has exhibits dealing with the Holocaust, racism, extremism and human rights abuses around the world. It has drawn about 4 million visitors.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sen. Dianne Feinstein and other officials have written letters of support for the expansion to the city’s Planning Department.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Bride says 'I Loo'

A bride has married in a dress made out of toilet roll.

Jennifer Cannon and her fiancee Doy Nichols from Lexington, Kentucky, tied the knot in a temporary public toilet in Times Square, New York.

The ceremony has been sponsored by toilet roll company Charmin, reports the Daily Mail.

The dress was designed by Hanah Kim, winner of the 2007 Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest.