Subject: Daily Dose - 080103 - Normal, THIS is TRUE, Women and Newspapers, DDL, Rotten News

All the Daily Dose mailings are archived to the end of 2007 on my web site now – in case you missed the announcement.

http://www.jrweston.net/JohnsDailyDose/2007DD/index.htm

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Normal

My  friend announced that society was on a steady down-hill road.

"Everyone today," she said, "Is messed up in the mind, a druggie, or a nymphomaniac."

My other friend laughed and nodded. Never having heard the word before, I puzzled over what 'nymphomaniac' could mean.

Trying not to sound stupid, I swallowed my pride and asked "What's that?"

"A girl who's obsessed with sex," explained my second friend.

I paused for a moment, thinking. "Then what," I asked, "Is a guy obsessed with sex?"

My first friend had an answer immediately: "Normal!"

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THIS is TRUE...

WE DELIVER: A woman drove her car through the front window of Papa Murphy's Pizza in Carson City, Nev., hitting a customer who was reading the menu. She then backed out and drove off, witnesses say, and then crashed broadside into another car. After she left that accident, too, police say, a passenger decided she had enough and bailed out of the car, rolling to a stop in a parking lot. Police finally pulled the car over and Nicole Andrews, 23, blew a blood alcohol reading of .264 percent -- more than three times the legal limit. "Please don't let this go on my insurance," she begged of the officer when she heard the reading. "I'll be in a lot of trouble." She was charged with felony hit-and-run causing injury, drunk driving, and other charges. A Papa Murphy's spokesman said he knows Andrews -- she used to work at the store she crashed into. But, Donn Leyba said, he had to fire her -- "for drinking on the job." (Nevada Appeal)

...Sometimes they really do return to the scene of the crime.

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THE COMPUTER'S FINAL CRASH: Police in Hanover, Germany, were summoned to a house after neighbors were awakened by a loud noise. They found the unnamed 51-year-old resident of the home had become so frustrated with his computer that he threw it through his window. Officers asked the man to clean up the mess, but declined to press any charges since "Who hasn't felt like doing that?" a police spokesman said. (Reuters)

...A precedent that could really shake up Michael Dell.

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LEGALLY BLONDE: Two teen girls broke into a tattoo parlor in Fairfield, Maine. But first, they had to get past the alarm system. "They used hair spray" to do that, said Deputy Police Chief Steve Trahan. "They wanted to spray it so the fog would come out and they could see the beam from the alarm system, apparently so they could walk over it or avoid it or crawl under it." They didn't come up with the idea themselves. "They said they saw it on TV." But it didn't work: the hair spray is actually what set off the alarm, bringing officers in for the arrest. Brittany Blow, 18, and her unnamed juvenile accomplice were charged with burglary. (Waterville Morning Sentinel)

...What they don't tell you on TV: television shows are fiction.

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YOU'RE GONNA PAY, PAL: Christopher Prentice, 34, of Thonotosassa, Fla., was short on cash to pay his car insurance, so he says he borrowed $200 from "a friend of a friend," Lewis Davis, promising to pay Davis $250 by the end of the week. But on the day it was due, Prentice couldn't pay, so he sent a text message to Davis saying he needed another week. The next morning Prentice was sitting in his car when Davis showed up. When Prentice saw he had a gun in his hand, he took off. Racing from highway to highway, driving his car "as fast as it would go," Prentice couldn't shake Davis. "I was jumping curbs, going the wrong way, blowing red lights, anything I could do" to get away. "How he kept up with me, I have no idea," so he called 911 from his cell phone to ask for police help. Then "several" shots rang out, one blowing off his side mirror. The chase ended in a parking lot, the gun recovered from a trash can -- behind an insurance agency -- and Davis under arrest. (St. Petersburg Times)

...Luckily, Prentice has insurance to take care of the bullet holes.

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BOY, ARE THEY STRICT! "Student May Be Suspended for Strangling His Teacher"

-- Malaysia Star headline

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Women and Newspapers

Women are like newspapers because...

- Older ones are not in demand

- They're well worth looking over

- They have a great deal of influence

- You can't believe everything they say

- They always have the last word

- You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbor's

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DDL

To the penis of feeble old Schuster

Was attached an electrical booster.

In a screw with Miss Drew,

His main rheostat blew,

And she felt like a snowplow had goosed 'er.

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"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..."

--Jay Leno

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"Students were invited to city hall to pitch ways to make dangerous intersections safer for pedestrians. Meanwhile, city government continues to ignore my most-effective idea to safeguard pedestrians--Nerf cars."

--Jimmy Fallon

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"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"

--Dave Barry

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"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks."

--H. Allen Smith

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"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore."

--James McSheehy, member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting on a construction project he opposed.

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Rotten News....  (true)

Army trousers reinforced after ripping complaints

You're armed, highly trained and fighting the Taliban. But as you crouch behind a wall, you're trousers rip. How embarrassing.

Now the American military is reinforcing at least a million pairs of trousers after increasing complaints they are not withstanding the rigours of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. They have apparently suffered from 'crotch durability problems'.

'This is a result of soldiers working in steep and harsh terrain and literally sliding down steep hims and mountains,' said army spokesman Sheldon Smith.

But torn uniforms are no laughing matter according to military analyst Loren Thompson, (despite it being hard to find hard men looking stupid).

'Any well-made uniform should maintain its stitch in virtually all combat situations,' he said. 'It is a serious problem if it becomes a distraction to the war fighter who needs to concentrate on completing a mission.'

The problems have begun since the US Army launched its new cotton uniforms in 2004. They are supposed to last six months.

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Australia Parliament on guard against MP art theft

Wed Nov 28, 12:40 AM ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Officials at Australia's Parliament House on Wednesday took down valuable artworks to keep lawmakers dumped in weekend elections from stealing them as they began packing up offices.

"We do make sure we take out all our artworks, all the Parliament House's art collection that are in people's offices, before too much disappears," said Hillary Penfold, the Secretary of the Department of Parliamentary Services.

Labor Prime Minister-elect Kevin Rudd on Saturday swept aside 11 years of conservative rule under John Howard. Dumped ministers and lawmakers from both sides of the political divide were on Wednesday vacating offices and removing classified files for disposal.

Penfold said many offices in the sprawling Parliament house were hung with significant artworks belonging to the national collection and on loan to MPs to decorate offices. Pictures could also be inadvertently taken in the cleanup, she told local radio.

Around 500 ministerial staff have lost their jobs in the wake of last Saturday's election, making them unemployed less than a month from Christmas.

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Judge removed over cell phone jailing

NIAGARA FALLS, N.Y. - A sign in Niagara Falls' city court warns that cell phones and pagers must be turned off. Folks there believe it. On Tuesday, a judge was bounced from the bench for jailing 46 people after none would own up to a cell phone that began ringing during his court session.

Judge Robert Restaino "snapped" and "engaged in what can only be described as two hours of inexplicable madness" during the March 2005 session, Raoul Felder, chairman of the state Commission on Judicial Conduct, wrote in the decision to remove the judge.

Restaino, who became a full-time judge in 2002 after serving part-time since 1996, was hearing domestic violence cases when a phone rang.

"Everyone is going to jail," the judge said. "Every single person is gong to jail in this courtroom unless I get that instrument now. If anybody believes I'm kidding, ask some of the folks that have been here for a while. You are all going."

When no one came forward, the judge ordered the group into custody and they were taken by police to the city jail, where they were searched and packed into crowded cells. Fourteen people who could not post bail were shackled and bused to the Niagara County Jail in Lockport, a 30-minute drive away.

Later in the afternoon, after being told reporters were calling, the judge ordered the defendants released.

The judge told the state panel he was under stress in his personal life.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Big pants save the day

A family home was saved from burning down when a pair of giant knickers were used to put out a fire.

Jenny Marsey's size 18-20 cotton pants were grabbed to cover a frying pan fire at her home in Hartlepool.

Her son and nephew were trying to fry some bread when the blaze broke out, reports the BBC. They grabbed the knickers from a pile of washing, doused them in water, and threw them over the fire.

Mrs Marsey, 53, said: "My £4.99 parachute knickers have come in handy for something. We've had a good laugh that they were a bit like a fire blanket."

Her son John and his cousin Darren, 23, were cooking, when they went to answer a knock at the door, only to return to a blazing kitchen.

Mrs Marsey said: "When they found the pan on fire they did what most people do and panicked. But they found a pair of my knickers in a washing basket and basically used them as a fire blanket to put out the fire."

Mrs Marsey, also mother to Sarah, 23, Joanne, 24, and Donna, 27, added: "I think if they had been my daughter Sarah's skimpy knickers they wouldn't have done any good. I'm taking it all in my stride and it's quite a funny start to the New Year."