Subject: Daily Dose - 070605 - raise all the signs, News From the British
Tabloids, House Trained, DDL, Rotten News
During a terrible storm, all the
highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided
to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.
“That’s an outrageous price!” said a
local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the
federal government.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal
government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
______________________________
News From the British Tabloids
Shop sells excuses
An online shop is selling excuses to
people in China.
The shop, Tuofu, which means 'bring
fortune to people', charges different prices depending on the type of excuse
needed.
Everyday excuses cost the equivalent
of 80p while an excuse for breaking off a relationship is £8.40p.
However, the most expensive 'excuse'
is the marriage proposal which costs more than £100.
The shop's advertising says
customers can get a discount if they buy more than one excuse at a time.
A Beijing Times reporter contacted
the shop, in Wuhu city, Anhui province, to purchase an excuse 'to borrow money
from friends'.
He was told the shop could only
guarantee the excuse would be well-received, not whether or not it would work.
A spokesman said: "Our break-up
excuses can minimise suffering, and we can even make up excuses for people who
want to date in secret without arousing the suspicions of their mates."
***
Man names daughter after car
A Romanian luxury car enthusiast has
named his daughter SLK after the Mercedes model.
The man, from Chisinau Cris in Arad
county, reportedly surprised staff at the register's office with the name.
Ica Mladin, the head of the local
register's office, said: "This man walked into the office and said he
wanted a birth certificate on the name SLK Caldarar.
"We found that very odd and
tried to make him change his mind."
But the father insisted, saying he
loves cars and if the baby had been a boy he would have been named BMW.
Mr Caldarar said: "The SLK is
one of the most famous models of the Mercedes class; it's expensive and
beautiful.
"It I had had a boy, I would
have named him BMW because this car's hot and runs very fast."
***
Sleep-walker washes clothes
A Chinese woman regularly washes the
family's clothes in the middle of the night while sleep-walking.
Mrs Xu, 46, of Wuhan city, Hubei
province, has been walking in her sleep for the last ten years, reports the
Wuhan Evening News.
"She sleep-walks at least ten
times a year, and each time does the same thing: wash clothes for the
family," says her husband.
"The next morning when she
wakes up, she'll praise me for doing so much."
The husband added that he had
installed locks on the door to stop her leaving the house to wash neighbours'
clothes.
***
Lonely goat herd, 116
A 116-year-old Ukrainian goat herd
claims his long life is down to never having had sex with a woman.
Grigoriy Nestor, from the village of
Stariy Yarichev, close to capital Kiev, said: "According to my Christian
beliefs there is no sex before marriage, so I never had a wife.
"People that were not married
like me live longer. People who get married just argue all the time, and that's
not good for your health.
"I believe that's why I have
lived so long, that and the fact I have never been curious.
"People who know too much
always come to a nasty end. Better to stay stupid and not wonder too much about
anything."
He told local newspaper
Komsomolskaya Pravda he had only been to school twice when he had visited his
local primary school for two days and learned to write his name.
He added: "The less you know,
the longer you live. Ignorance is long life and happiness."
His entire life has been spent
tending his goats, he said.
______________________________
House Trained
While carpenters were working
outside the old house a woman had just bought, She busied myself with indoor
cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked
to use the bathroom.
With dismay she looked from his
muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," She said,
thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady,"
he responded. "I'm already trained."
______________________________
DDL
Few things to desire can so prod us,
As much as a plump Hindu goddess,
With eight clinging arms
And exuberant charms
That are never concealed in a bodice.
______________________________
"Strange things happen when
you're in debt. Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected.
I was one electric bill away from being Amish."
--Tom Ryan
***
"I had to go to analysis. They
told me I had an unresolved Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I
want to sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father doesn't even
want to sleep with my mother."
--Dennis Wolfberg
***
What's the first sign of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in your ass.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
NATO's potty rules shut out Afghans
JOE FRIESEN
From Monday's Globe and Mail
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN — Under a
bizarre policy that echoes the days of segregation in the United States,
Afghans who work at the NATO base at Kandahar Airfield must use separate
toilets marked "local nationals only."
Several Afghans told The Globe and
Mail the practice is insulting, but they are dependent on NATO for their
livelihoods and reluctant to speak out.
Lieutenant-Colonel Jack Blevins, the
U.S. officer in charge of administrative contracts, said the segregated toilet
policy exists because the bathroom habits of the Afghans are different from
those of the North Americans and Europeans who work at the base.
"We've always had this
policy," Lt.-Col. Blevins said. "It's not based on a racial thing;
it's just how they use the toilets. They're not used to toilets. They use
squats, or holes in the ground."
One Afghan, who has worked at the
base for five years as an interpreter, laughed at this suggestion. He can't
give his name because he works with the coalition and is afraid of being
targeted by insurgents.
"I don't see any reason for
separate bathrooms," he said. "Everybody is human, so it should be
one [toilet]."
He said that foreign soldiers told
him they wouldn't use the same toilets as Afghans because they are afraid of
catching something contagious.
"Soldiers say they're scared of
local people who might have disease," he said. "Personally, I [do]
not like that, but this is the way of the army so you have to respect
that."
Lt.-Col. Blevins said he thinks of
the policy as a cultural accommodation, and it makes life easier for the
cleaners.
"When they [the Afghans] use
our port-a-potties, they stand on the seats and it causes quite a mess,"
he said. "I think it's just a cultural thing."
**********
Woman stopped wearing girdle of live
crocodiles
POSTED: 1937 GMT (0337 HKT), March
26, 2007
JERUSALEM (AP) -- A woman was caught
with three crocodiles strapped to her waist at the Gaza-Egypt border crossing
after guards noticed that she looked "strangely fat," officials said.
The woman's odd shape raised
suspicions at the Rafah terminal in southern Gaza, and a body search by a
female border guard turned up the animals, each about 50 centimeters (20
inches) long, concealed underneath her loose robe, according to Maria Telleria,
spokeswoman for the European observers who run the crossing.
"The woman looked strangely
fat. Even though she was veiled and covered, even with so many clothes on there
was something strange," Telleria said.
The incident, which took place on
Thursday, sparked panic at the crossing.
"The policewoman screamed and
ran out of the room, and then women began screaming and panicking when they
heard," Telleria said. But when the hysteria died down, she said,
"everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her
body."
In her defense, the woman said she
"was asked" to carry the crocodiles, said Wael Dahab, a spokesman for
the Palestinian guards at the crossing.
The reptiles, which had their jaws
tied shut with string, were returned to the Egyptian side of the border.
Dahab said the animals were likely
meant for sale to Gaza's small zoo or to private owners. The crocodiles would
fetch "good money," even in the impoverished territory, he said. In
Gaza, the animals can fetch about $500 -- roughly two months' salary for a
low-ranking police officer.
**********
Gentlemen, rate yourselves: cucumber
or banana?
Tue Apr 24, 4:04 AM ET
SINGAPORE (Reuters) - Gentlemen
please, rate yourselves: are you a cucumber or a banana in bed?
Singapore's Society for Men's Health
and a pharmaceutical firm are proposing a four-point scale for erectile
dysfunction, allowing men to rate their own hardness with four categories: cucumber,
unpeeled banana, peeled banana and tofu (bean curd).
"Men should aim for this,"
UK sex therapist Victoria Lehmann told a news conference, holding a cucumber.
The scale does not involve any
scientific measurement -- patients would merely be asked to assess their own
levels of hardness -- and has not been accepted by any medical authorities.
***********
Man, 85, saved by nail
An 85-year-old man had a miraculous
escape in China after he fell from a fifth floor window but was saved by a nail.
The nail in the wall, between the
fourth and fifth floors, snagged his clothing and held his weight until help
arrived.
After 30 minutes hanging from the
outside of the building in Zhengzhou city, Henan province, Zhao Jingzhi was
rescued by firefighters.
"I was trying to open the
window, but I pushed too hard and lost my balance and fell out," he told
Zhengzhou Evening Papers.
The alarm was raised by Mrs Liu, who
lives on the fourth floor, who called police when she saw two legs swinging
outside her window.
"I was surfing the internet,
and suddenly heard a loud bang, and saw two legs outside," she said.
Zhao was taken to hospital for a
check-up where doctors said he was in good health - but advised him to be more
careful in future.
After giving him a check-up in the
hospital, doctors say Zhao is in good condition, but should be more cautious
around windows, reports Zhengzhou Evening Papers.