Subject: Daily Dose - 070604 - what's in the other bag, God be with you,
BIZARRE NEWS, DDL, Rotten News
A little old lady is walking down
the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill comes
flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little
old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them.
Thanks!"
"Well, now, not so fast,"
says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little
old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football
stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes
right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper and each time some guy sticks his dick through the bushes, I say; '$20
or off it comes!'"
"Hey not a bad idea!"
laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little
old lady, "not all of them pay up."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Colonoscopy Humor
[A physician claims these are actual
comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.]
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're
boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart
yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was
sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we
there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas,
we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped
miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in,
you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a
Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit,
you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if
you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an
executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note
for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
***
Teacher injured falling from toilet
LIVERPOOL, England - A compensation
award to a British teacher who dislocated her hip falling off a child-sized
toilet in Liverpool has sparked complaints from lawmakers.
The teacher won about $28,000 in
compensation, and the Liverpool Daily Post reports the money will come out of
the school's budget.
"It is concerning to hear of
cases where money meant for the education of children in the city is spent on
other things, such as compensation claims," Councilor Paul Clein of the
Liverpool City Council said, the Daily Post reported.
The teacher's claim was one
highlighted by the National Union of Teachers as it reported work it had done
for its members. The teacher was not named. Matthew Elliott, chief executive of
the Taxpayers Alliance, called on local authorities to give schools what they
need to stop compensation payouts.
"On the surface of this case,
it appears that it is excessive and councils need to work with schools to make
sure that a compensation culture does not emerge," Elliott told the Daily
Post.
***
Blind pilot flies from U.K. to
Australia
DARWIN, Australia - A blind British
adventurer reached Australia in a record attempt to fly from London to Sydney.
Miles Hilton-Barber, 57, began his
journey in a micro-light aircraft on March 7 and landed Monday in Darwin. He
has been accompanied by a co-pilot on his epic flight that has taken him to 18
countries.
He said he hoped to land in Sydney
next week after following the path of the classic London-Sydney air race in
1919. Hilton-Barber, who has been blind for 25 years, also said he hoped to
raise $2 million toward the prevention of blindness in developing countries as
he soars into the record books as the first sightless pilot to clock the
13,000-mile trip.
***
New car smell is bad for you
BERKELEY, Calif. - That "new
car smell" can be hazardous to your health, The Ecology Center, a
Berkeley, Calif., environmental group said.
The Ecology Center said toxic
chemicals such as bromine, chlorine and lead found in cars' interiors give off
harmful fumes for three years, the Chicago Tribune reported. The group listed
the 10 least toxic vehicles in a report: the Acura RDX; BMW X3; Chevrolet
Cobalt; Chrysler PT Cruiser; Honda Odyssey; Nissan Frontier; Suzuki Aerio
wagon; Toyota Matrix; and Volvo S40 and V50.
The 10 worst vehicles were: the
Chevy Aveo, Express and Silverado; Hyundai Accent; Kio Rio and Spectra; Nissan
Versa; Scion xB; Subaru Forester; and Suzuki Forenza.
Jeff Gearhart of the Ecology Center
said consumers can avoid the fumes, which are emitted when the car's interior
is exposed to heat. "Don't park in the sun, and if you do, use a solar
screen along the windshield to reduce heat getting into the cabin. And before
driving on a warm day, first open the windows and doors to ventilate the car
for 10 minutes," Gearhart told the newspaper. "Also, clean the cabin
frequently by vacuuming and washing the windows because the greasy film on the
inside windows is residue from the chemicals."
***
Instead of paychecks, they get bills
PALM BEACH, Fla. - Some 1,000
teachers and other employees in Palm Beach, Fla., were overpaid this school
year by thousands of dollars because of a software problem.
The Palm Beach County School
District is giving the employees until December to pay back the money, the Palm
Beach Post reported.
The 345 employees identified were
overpaid a total of about $912,000. Some will have to return less than $20.
Twenty-eight owe more than $5,000, and one person owes nearly $10,000, the
newspaper reported. Instead of paychecks last week, those employees received
bills.
District officials blamed problems
implementing new budgeting software. "We know this is our mistake but we
have to correct it," Mike Burke, the district's chief financial officer,
told the Post.
The district didn't overpay
everyone. The newspaper reported that at least 600 of the district's
lowest-paid workers had been underpaid.
______________________________
My little niece, Kelly, went with a
neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the
children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this
case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you."
Apparently this made quite an
impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and
bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her
mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get
you."
______________________________
DDL
Said a luscious young lady called
Wade,
On a beach with her charms all displayed:
'It's so hot in the sun
Perhaps sex would be fun,
At least that would give me some shade.'
______________________________
"Inmates at the most secure
prison in Vermont have won first prize at the Champlain Valley Fair for their
home grown garlic pumpkins and mini roses. You know it is amazing the effect
Martha Stewart is having on our penal system."
--Jay Leno
***
"Did you barbeque today? Over
100 million Americans barbequed today - because the polar ice caps just aren't
melting fast enough!"
--Dave Letterman
***
"The New York Yankees have
unveiled plans for a new stadium to be built in 2008. Much like this years
Yankees the stadium will be expensive and collapse in June."
--Conan O'Brien
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Longest address on the web
A website devoted to part of a Welsh
village features in a list of the longest internet addresses in Europe.
A Birmingham man registered the
63-character address featuring the Anglesey village
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
The address - www.llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogochuchaf.eu
- actually refers to the upper part of the Welsh-speaking village.
It is the maximum number of
characters allowed and is recognised as the longest valid internet name in the
world.
Keith Wood registered the domain
name with EURid, the group managing the new European .eu domain. He also
registered an alternative to its full name - www.llanfair.wales.com - to spare
internet users the hassle of using the village's full title.
Six other people last year
registered the longest possible internet addresses possible.
One German user registered www.thisisthelongesteuropeandomainnameallovertheworldandnowitismine.eu
..
**********
Mouse 'robs' cash machine
A mouse munched its way through
thousands of pounds of cash after climbing inside a cash machine in Estonia.
The animal was found in the machine
after a customer withdrew some money and got partly-eaten banknotes outside the
bank in the capital Tallinn.
Bank security experts are
investigating how the mouse managed to get into the machine.
Kristina Tamberg, spokeswoman for
Hansapank Bank, said: "We have never heard of anything even remotely like
this happening before.
"At some stage over the weekend
the chewed money jammed, and the mouse seems to have spent the rest of the
weekend turning the notes into bedding.
"It probably was attracted by
the warmth from the machine and decided to make itself at home."
**********
Planet find gets British bookies
scared of aliens
LONDON (AFP) - British bookmakers
wasted no time slashing the odds on aliens being discovered after astronomers
announced Wednesday that they had discovered an Earth-like planet.
William Hill cut the odds on proving
the existence of extra-terrestrial life from 1,000-1 to 100-1.
"We felt we had to react to the
news that an Earth-like planet which could support intelligent life had been
discovered -- after all, we don't know for sure that intelligent
extra-terrestrial life has not already been discovered, but is being hushed
up," said spokesman Graham Sharpe.
Astronomers reported they they had
found a "super-Earth" more than 20 light years away, the most
intriguing world found so far in the search for extra-terrestrial life.
For William Hill to pay out on an
aliens bet, the prime minister has to confirm officially the existence of
intelligent extra-terrestrial life within a year of the bet being placed.
About five times the mass of Earth,
the planet orbits a cool, dim "red dwarf" star in the constellation
of Libra, the team from the European Southern Observatory said in a press
release.
"Because of its temperature and
relative proximity, this planet will most probably be a very important target
of the future space missions dedicated to the search for extra terrestrial
life," said Xavier Delfosse, a team member from France's Grenoble
University.
**************
Model reveals her jewels
A model has been coated in a million
individual Swarovski crystals and is being slowly undressed online.
The crystals are being sold off
individually on eBay for upwards of one euro (68p) each.
As the crystals are sold, more and
more of model Chantal is on view online at www.millioncrystalbody.com..
And the last successful bidder will
have the final crystal delivered personally by 20-year-old Chantal - wherever
they are in the world.
Auction organiser Marion von
Kuczkowski from Berlin said: "I hope the beautiful photos motivate buyers
to make Chantal visible in all her beauty by purchasing some of the
stones."