Subject: Daily Dose - 070603 - Reasons, THIS is TRUE, After Game Foreplay,
DDL, Rotten News
Reasons
"I got married," said the
first tavern regular, "so that I could get laid three or four times a
week."
"That's funny," said
another patron. "That's why I got divorced."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
THERE HE GOES, SHOOTING HIS MOUTH
OFF AGAIN: Joseph Kopera, 61, head of Maryland State Police's firearms unit,
was often called on to give expert testimony in court cases. To establish his
credentials for the jury, he would rattle off the list of his college degrees.
"He's one of the most compelling experts I've seen in a courtroom,"
said defense attorney Roland Walker, who has worked on at least 50 cases Kopera
was involved in. There's only one minor problem: Kopera's college degrees were
made up, according to investigators from The Innocence Project, which works to
free people who are wrongly convicted of crimes. In fact, Kopera had no college
degrees at all, and was only a high school graduate. Once confronted with this
fact, Kopera immediately retired from his 37-year career and went home -- where
he killed himself with a gunshot to the head. (Baltimore Sun)
...That's one way to show he had some level of expertise.
***
CALL IF YOU NEED ME: Durant, Okla.,
narcotics detective Lt. Mike Woodruff gave his cell phone number to a young
man. The boy then told his mother "that if she ever needed help with
anything to give me a call," Woodruff said. "I think she
misunderstood. She mistook my number for her son's drug dealer's number."
Sure enough, the woman called Woodruff to say she wanted to buy some cocaine. He
set up a meeting, and the unnamed woman and her husband showed up -- and were
arrested. "I told you we were not getting that for us," the woman
complained. "It was for someone else." Thus the police have
recommended to prosecutors that the charges be upgraded to possession of drugs
with intent to distribute. (Durant Democrat)
...Good call.
***
AS WE SAY, NOT AS WE DO, BRITISH
DIVISION: "The day is designed to make farmers take health and safety
matters more seriously," said Britain's Health and Safety Executive
agricultural inspector Tony Trenear, announcing a special safety demonstration
in Churton, England. "An alarming number of incidents take place in this
industry, many of which could be avoided with a few sensible precautions."
More than 200 farmers attended, including Tania Foster, 45. During the
demonstration, Foster was injured when she fell into an uncovered drain. A
spokesman said the safety officials were aware of the open drain, but decided
it was "unlikely to be a risk," noting "It emphasizes the need
to be vigilant at all times." (London Telegraph)
...Therefore, "Warning -- Government safety experts aren't as expert as
you think."
***
A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK: Acting on
a tip, police in McHenry, Ill., investigated William G. Gersch, 58, since the
man was trying to hire a hit man. An undercover cop contacted Gersch, who
allegedly offered to hire him to kill his son, William J. Gersch, 35, saying
the younger man, who lives on the same block, was responsible for the failure
of his marriage and kept him from seeing his grandchildren. "There's been
a longtime family feud," a sheriff's investigator said. The senior Gersch
was arrested on charges of soliciting murder and faces up to 40 years in
prison. Meanwhile, officers realized that the younger Gersch was also under
investigation by a different set of detectives. The next day, William J. was
also arrested -- on charges possession of pot and cocaine with intent to
deliver. "The timing was just really by coincidence," the investigator
said. (Crystal Lake Northwest Herald)
...But putting them in the same cell block won't be.
***
HOW ENTICING: "[Houston
Independent School District] Hopes Offer of Bonuses Earlier Entices New
Hires"
-- Houston (Texas) Chronicle headline
"99 Teachers Told to Repay Part
of Bonus; HISD Blames a Computer Glitch for Overpayments"
-- Houston Chronicle headline, four days later
______________________________
After Game Foreplay
After the big Superbowl party, Todd
figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs,
walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says,
"Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his
wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?"
says Todd.
"You know," the wife,
says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
______________________________
DDL
The girl told the lawyer,
"Let's net us
Enough so the jerk won't forget us!
I said I'd cohabit;
He screwed like a rabbit -
And so now I want half of his lettuce!"
______________________________
"I was in McDonald's and I saw
this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said,
'Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing
those!'"
--Laura Silverman
***
"I have a Y chromosome that
makes me ask, Why get married? But I wouldn't want to put down marriage as a
whole - which it is."
--Kevin Hench
***
"I like hip-hop. I'm working
with Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Herb Tea. I'm changing my name to Snapple."
--Paul Mooney
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Pinellas County Man Sues Postal
Service Over Lunch Break
POSTED: 9:09 am EDT March 23, 2007
TAMPA, Fla. -- A Pinellas County man
is suing the US Postal Service over his lunch breaks.
Kenneth Fox said his painful
arthritis requires him to keep moving, but his bosses are forcing him to take
lunch breaks. So the 55-year-old military veteran decided to sue the postal
service under the Americans with Disabilities Act. He claims the mandatory
lunch breaks are a violation of his rights under the law.
The lawsuit said allowing Fox to
work through lunch is a "reasonable accommodation" required under the
Americans With Disabilities Act. It's asking for an injunction and attorneys
fees.
A spokesman for the Tampa post
office declined to comment because of pending litigation.
**********
Mouse taunts man, makes off with his
dentures
Updated: 4:30 p.m. ET March 24, 2007
WATERVILLE, Maine - Never
underestimate a mouse’s determination.
There’s a mouse in Bill Exner’s
house that he says he has captured three times. Each time, the mouse escaped,
and the last time the rodent made off with his lower dentures.
Exner, 68, said he and his wife
Shirley scoured his bedroom after the dentures disappeared from his night
stand.
“We moved the bed, moved the
dressers and the night stand and tore the closet apart,” he said. “I said, ‘I
knew that little stinker stole my teeth’ — I just knew it.”
They found a small opening in a wall
where they suspected the mouse was coming and going, and their daughter’s
fiance, Eric Holt, stepped in to help.
“He brought a crowbar and hammer and
he sawed off a section of wood and pulled up the molding and everything,” Exner
said. “It was quite a job.”
They retrieved the dentures, and
Holt suggested his future father-in-law boil them in peroxide and whatever else
he could find for to disinfect it.
The mouse apparently isn’t done. It
frequently comes out and stares at Exner, his wife said.
“He’s taunting him — I swear he’s
taunting him,” Shirley Exner said.
**********
Japanese fooled in poodle scam
Friday April 27, 2007
Thousands of Japanese have been
swindled in a scam in which they were sold Australian and British sheep and
told they were poodles.
Flocks of sheep were imported to
Japan and then sold by a company called Poodles as Pets, marketed as
fashionable accessories, available at $1,600 each.
That is a snip compared to a real
poodle which retails for twice that much in Japan.
The scam was uncovered when Japanese
moviestar Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would
not bark or eat dog food.
She was crestfallen when told it was a sheep.
Then hundreds of other women got in
touch with police to say they feared their new "poodle" was also a
sheep.
One couple said they became
suspicious when they took their "dog" to have its claws trimmed and
were told it had hooves.
Japanese police believe there could
be 2,000 people affected by the scam, which operated in Sapporo and capitalised
on the fact that sheep are rare in Japan, so many do not know what they look
like.
"We launched an investigation
after we were made aware that a company were selling sheep as poodles,"
Japanese police said, the The Sun reported.
"Sadly we think there is more
than one company operating in this way. The sheep are believed to have been
imported from overseas - Britain, Australia."
Many of the sheep have now been
donated to zoos and farms.
**************
Mattel to sue over lesbian Barbie
show
Toy manufacturer Mattel is
reportedly threatening to sue a Brazilian artist for portraying Barbie as a
lesbian.
Karin Schwarz's exhibition features
pictures of Barbie in compromising situations, reports the Jornal de Sao Paulo
newspaper.
Mattel has given the artist 24 hours
to close down the exhibiton or they say they will take legal action.
But Ms Schwarz says she will not
back down: "Barbie is exploited by Mattel. She wears a bikini, she shows
off her belly, has big breasts, and even has a boyfriend," she said.
The exhibition, entitled Amazing
Girls, is on show at a bar in the city of Curitiba.
A Mattel spokesperson said:
"Barbie is a very proper lady and she is not happy about being portraited
as something that she isn't.
"We are going to sue and we
hope that this teaches people a lesson. Also, Barbie is 46 years old, she
should be respected!"