Subject: Daily Dose - 070602 - mistress, News Stories from the British Tabloids, Secret Service, DDL, Rotten News

It was with much dismay that Rachael discovered her husband Hymie had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the golden goose, rather she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn't.

After a long interrogation Hymie finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling."

"Is that all?" thought Rachael. "Is that all there is to it?"

That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Hymie a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed. Halfway through the business she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans. "Oh Hymie, darling," she began, "I've had the most terrible day. Our shares dropped two points, the maid quit and you don't give me enough housekeeping money..."

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News Stories from the British Tabloids

Groom weds best man

A Loughborough man was horrified to learn that he had accidentally 'married' his best man.

Chris Adams, 33, had exchanged vows with bride Gemma Mortell, 19, in a Valentine's Day wedding.

But when the couple returned from honeymoon and checked the wedding certificate they had a surprise, reports the Sun.

Gemma had mistakenly signed her name in the 'witness' space - and best man Paul Hickleston had put his signature where the bride's should have been.

Chef Chris said: "I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what we'd done. I've known my best man for over 20 years and he's a great guy - but I don't want him as my missus."

Gemma added: "When he told me Paul was down as his wife, I just laughed. I thought he was winding me up.

"But it's not funny. The wedding cost a lot of money. It was the biggest day of our life and we wanted it to be just right. We'd planned it for nine months."

The couple had feared their marriage might not be legal but the Rev Elaine Skinner, who conducted the ceremony, has reassured them.

"I've told them they have nothing to worry about - any mistakes can be corrected and I can issue a new certificate," she said.

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Balloon steals wedding ring

A Scarborough man lost his wedding ring - after he tied it to his son's helium balloon and it floated away.

Calum McFadyen, 35, tied the gold ring to the string of four-year-old Henry's balloon to see if he could weigh it down.

But as he watched television in the front room he heard Henry open the front door and wave goodbye to the Thomas the Tank Engine balloon as it floated off with the ring still attached.

Mr McFadyen, 35, a housing support officer, said: "The ring has not been off my hand in years - I was just messing about with the kids. I guess it could be in France now!

"My wife wasn't too impressed and told me it was a stupid thing to do. I tend to agree!

"I've been getting a ribbing from the people at work but I deserve it. Now I just want the ring back."

Wife Vicky, 36, said: "This could only happen to my husband, he's one of those people!"

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EU helps witches branch out

Romanian witches are carving out a lucrative new business - concocting spells to help locals get EU grants.

Until now the country's witches have confined themselves to love potions and spells to get cows to produce more milk.

But the EU expansion has seen funding for new projects flood into the country and now locals hoping to gain a slice of the action are turning to witches to boost their chances.

Witch Florica, from Pitesti in southern Romania, said: "It's a new type of spell that we had to work out of course.

"You cannot pretend you are a real witch if you cannot help a businessman get the European Union funds he wants.

"For example, only the other day I had a young businessman who came to me with his papers applying for European funds.

"I spread the cards on his documents, said my spells and splashed the papers with some potions. It only cost him about £40 for my charms but when gets the money thanks to my spells he will be happy and I will be happy because he will bring me new customers."

Witchcraft is a recognised profession in the new EU state and witches say they have adjusted their services as entrepreneurs turn to potions and spells to get the money they want.

Witches say that with entry to the EU and rights for homosexuals guaranteed in legislation, more and more gay men are also turning to them for help.

Witch Margareta from Pitesti said: "I have come up with a lot of new spells to help men to get together or for men to gain more feminine features.

"They are starting to use make up and wear jewellery and I am helping with spells to make them more attractive, make their thighs smaller and stop their moustaches growing."

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Woman hit by falling cat to sue 200

A Chinese woman knocked out by a cat falling from a block of flats is to sue 200 residents because none will admit responsibility.

Tang Meirong, 53, of Chongqing city, was sent to hospital after being hit by the cat, reports Chongqing Business News.

"I was walking on the footpath under the building, and suddenly a heavy object hit my head. I remember nothing afterwards," she said.

After regaining consciousness, Tang called police but the building manager told officers it would be very difficult to identify the cat owner.

Tang says she will sue all 200 residents whose flats face the street if none of them come forward to take responsibility.

The cat was killed by the fall.

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Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? 'FATASS'.

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DDL

Betsy Ross with her bustle a-waggin,
Had George seeing stars, lolly-gagging,
When he asked, "How's chances?"
She spurned his advances,
Saying, "Sorry, my interest is flagging."

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"Guys, learn this: even if you're just living with a woman you're not even married to -- give up any thought of being involved in interior decoration of the place you're going to live in. All your beer stuff, your sports mirrors, put them in storage. I've been to Wayne Gretsky's house, he's got five MVP trophies, and you know where they are? They're in the fucking garage."
--Denis Leary

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"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?"
-- Emo Philips

***

According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.
--Conan O'Brien

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Rotten News....  (true)

Last odours at the bar

A drinker has been barred from his local pub for breaking wind.

Stewart Laidlaw, 35, has been shown the door for good by Thirsty Kirsty's in Dunfermline, Fife, for "basking in the glory of his smells", reports The Sun.

Landlord John Thow said: "The smell is disgusting and when he drops one he'll shout and wave his arms so everyone can smell it."

Shop worker Stewart was said to be "very angry" with the decision but a fellow drinker complained: "He's a smelly guy, and no mistake."

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March 23, 2007 

U.S. senator rescues Edmonton police band pipes from customs

By JUSTIN POST

BUTTE, Mont. (AP) - It took a U.S. senator and the Montana Highway Patrol to ensure the pipes, the pipes were calling during Butte's St. Patrick's Day celebration this year.

The Pipe and Drum Band of the Edmonton Police Service was forced to leave behind two sets of bagpipes at the Sweetgrass border checkpoint because the instruments are made in part from elephant ivory.

That was a problem since one set belongs to James McKee, who is the band's pipe major and acts as the conductor.

"The band can't play without that one person giving the cues and the leads," said Jana Richards of the Friends of the Pipers, a Butte non-profit group that raises money to pay for the volunteer pipers' meals, lodging and transportation to Butte.

The band spent nearly three hours March 15 trying to cut through red tape at the border, north of Great Falls, before opting to leave the bagpipes behind with Canadian customs.

"They didn't want to let us down in Butte, so they left the pipes at the border," Richards said.

She contacted U.S. Senator Max Baucus and asked for help bringing the bagpipes to Butte before the St. Patrick's Day parade March 17.

Baucus's office contacted the highway patrol and a trooper went to the border for the pipes, which were taken to Great Falls. Employees from Baucus's Helena office picked up the instruments and took them to Butte by 6:30 p.m. March 16.

"Max wasn't about to let a little international red tape get in the way of St. Patrick's Day in Butte," said Baucus spokesman, Barrett Kaiser.

The pipers had a separate incident with a wildlife inspector while crossing the border in July and were told they needed documents detailing the history of the instruments, Richards said.

They acquired letters from an anthropologist stating their instruments were antiques made before laws required permits for the ivory, she said.

Although Canadian authorities recently said McKee and piper Ted Soltys had compiled the proper documents, the wildlife inspector still requested more paperwork when the band returned for St. Patrick's Day.

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"Women's town" to put men in their place

Thu Apr 26, 9:04 AM ET

BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese tourism authorities are seeking investment to build a novel concept attraction -- the world's first "women's town," where men get punished for disobedience, an official said Thursday.

The 2.3-square-km Longshuihu village in the Shuangqiao district of Chongqing municipality, also known as "women's town," was based on the local traditional concept of "women rule and men obey," a tourism official told Reuters.

"Traditional women dominate and men have to be obedient in the areas of Sichuan province and Chongqing, and now we are using it as an idea to attract tourists and boost tourism," the official, surname Li, said by telephone.

The tourism bureau planned to invest between 200 million yuan ($26 million) and 300 million yuan in infrastructure, roads and buildings, Li said.

"We welcome investors from overseas and nationwide to invest in our project," he added.

The motto of the new town would be "women never make mistakes, and men can never refuse women's requests," Chinese media have reported.

When tour groups enter the town, female tourists would play the dominant role when shopping or choosing a place to stay, and a disobedient man would be punished by "kneeling on an uneven board" or washing dishes in restaurant, media reports said.

The project, begun in the end of 2005, was expected to take three to five years to finish.

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Toy leopard sparks panic

A toy black leopard left lying in a footpath sparked panic in a Chinese city.

The 3ft stuffed toy scared pedestrians and caused a traffic jam in Xiamen city.

A witness told Xiamen Daily: "Dogs were scared and passers-by were running for their lives. Some of them ran into traffic, causing a back-up."

Eventually, police officers arrived with an armed anaesthetist from the local Haicang Zoo.

"After observing for a while, we saw the leopard was stationary, so one of the officers gingerly went ahead and touched it. Then we realised it's a toy," said a police spokesman.