Subject: Daily Dose - 070530 - George's Collection

Today's collecion courtesy of George again...

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 10 years and 20 pounds since I even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think? I asked, "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a Bikini," he replied, "You'd never get it all in one."

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Little Daisy comes home from primary school and tells her mummy that little Johnny Smith showed her his willie and that it was just like a peanut.

"WHAT!!" her mother cried, "You mean it was very small?"

"No" said Daisy, "salty".

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Three hockey fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk who had passed out.

Out of respect for the lady, the Canadiens fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Senators fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Toronto Maple Leaf fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were then called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection.

First, he lifted up the Canadiens cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sens cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Leafs cap, replaced it, then lifted it. Again and replaced it.

Finally, he lifted it one more time, and replaced it.

Meanwhile, the Toronto fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer. " I'm a little confused. Normally when I look under a Maple Leafs hat, I find an asshole!"

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DDL

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, Why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat the  purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

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Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a  toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's  teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind  man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should  he express himself?  Think about it first before  scrolling down for the answer...

He opens his mouth and says. "I would  like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

If you got this wrong --  please turn off your computer and call it a day. I've got mine shutting down right now.

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A senior in Newfoundland was overheard saying .. "when the end of the World comes, I hope to be in Newfoundland."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Newfoundland because Everything happens in Newfoundland twenty years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

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NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, The Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," he said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

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Artist: 'Corgi tastes disgusting'

A performance artist has eaten a corgi live on radio in protest at Prince Philip's alleged torture of a fox.

Mark McGowan, 37, said the cooked dog - the Queen's favourite breed - tasted "really, really, really disgusting".

The corgi, which died at a breeding farm, was minced with apple and onion, reports Sky News.

The artist ate it on the Bob and Roberta Smith radio programme, broadcast on London-based station 104.4 Resonance FM.

Before the show, the vegetarian and animal rights activist explained his motives for the protest.

He said: "I know some people will find this offensive and tasteless. But I am doing this to raise awareness about the RSPCA's inability to prosecute Prince Philip and his friends shooting a fox earlier this year, letting it struggle for life for five minutes and then beating it to death with a stick."

The radio show's presenter, Bob Smith, said: "I'm not convinced it's corgi."

But Mr McGowan insisted he trusted the two ladies who cooked the dog. He said: "It's stinky, it's white-looking - it's not like any meat I've ever seen."

The RSPCA said it had investigated the alleged incident involving Philip at the Queen's Sandringham estate in January and "found no evidence that an offence of causing unnecessary suffering had taken place".