Subject: Daily Dose - 070527 - monk & nun, THIS is TRUE, obviously intoxicated, DDL, Rotten News

A monk who's been sheltered all of his life has to travel to the big city to meet his friend, a Catholic nun.

On the streets of the city, he encounters a prostitute who says: "Blowjob? Five dollars?"

"No, thank you!" the monk says, blushing.

He moves on to the next street corner and another hooker asks him, "Blowjob? Five dollars?"

He hurriedly rushes down the streets but on each corner there's a woman asking if he wants a blowjob. By the time he reaches the convent, he's very upset.

He asks his friend the nun, "Sister, what's a "blowjob?"

She says, "Five dollars."

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THIS is TRUE...

THE RABBIT IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON: Residents of Walnut Creek, Calif., are outraged that the city, in its Spring celebrations, is referring to the Easter Bunny as the "Spring Bunny", who presides over city-sponsored "Spring Egg Hunts". Yet city spokesman Brad Rovanpera is perplexed by the protests: "This will be the fifth year we are doing it that way," he said, adding there have been no previous complaints. "First people can't wish 'Merry Christmas' at a store," complains a town resident, "and now they've taken Easter away from the Easter Bunny." (San Francisco Chronicle)
...Idiot! Doesn't he know Easter is really about the eggs?

***

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY TRY AGAIN: Somerfield, a chain of supermarkets in the U.K., decided to lecture shoppers about Easter. "Brits are set to spend a massive 520 million pounds [US$1.02 billion] on Easter eggs this year," it said in a press release, "but many young people don't even know what Easter's all about." It then went on to tell everyone: "the birth of Jesus." A hasty revision, which made reference to "Britons' mounting ignorance regarding Easter," changed the references to "rebirth" before a third version was released to use the word "resurrection" after it had "consultations" with the Church of England. (London Times)
...Well, they were right about the ignorance part.

***

CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON: Guns have been banned in Britain for years, so now swords are getting to be a menace. "Imitation" samurai swords have been identified as a weapon of choice in various attacks, so the Home Office has announced it wants to ban the weapons by the end of the year as part of a "wider crackdown" on knives and other bladed weapons. "Samurai sword crime is low in volume but high in profile," a Home Office spokesman said. "It is already illegal to have a samurai sword in a public place but I want to restrict the number of dangerous weapons in circulation." Those caught with swords, whether used in an assault or not, would face up to six months in jail and a 5,000-pound (US$9,800) fine. (London Telegraph)
...The ultimate conclusion: half of all Brits will be sentenced to break rocks into sand so the other half can't throw them.

***

THE DAUPHIN: Lawyer Balthazar Napoleon de Bourbon, 48, of Bhopal, India, has always loved France, and even gave his children French names. And, he has recently learned, he may be first in line as king of France. His lineage has been traced to Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, and apparently also the Bourbon king of Spain. He is willing to take a DNA test to confirm the link. (London Guardian)
...You know, this "outsourcing" thing is really getting out of hand.

***

WHY SHOULD IT BE DIFFERENT FROM EVERYTHING ELSE? "Ignorance of the Good Book Reaches Biblical Proportions"
-- Sacramento Bee headline

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man that is obviously intoxicated. He smells a foul odor and asks the drunk, "Did you shit your pants?"

The drunk said, "Yup."

The man then asked the drunk, "Why don't you go to the bathroom?"

To which the drunk replied, "Cause I ain't done yet."

______________________________

DDL

Hanging pictures," sighed clumsy Miss Young,
"Is a task that can make me unstrung.
Thank God for my neighbor
Who volunteered labor -
Both my pictures and he are well hung!"

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"Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005 and third-straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in there yet."
--Amy Poehler

***

"Well now the pope's election is over, at least we won't have to put up with any more of those negative cardinal campaign commercials."
--Jay Leno

***

"Good news for out-of-towners. Crime in New York City is at an all time low. The bad news is that it's our leading industry."
--Dave Letterman

***

Q: What do you call a penguin in the Arabian Desert?

A: Lost

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Rotten News....  (true)

Poland to ban 'men in skirts'?

Calls are growing in Poland for a ban on 'men in skirts' because drunken Scottish flashers have been upsetting locals.

Agnieska Gaspar, 23, from Krakow, said: "You can't go round the corner without seeing a Scot showing off what he has under his kilt while one of his mates photographs him. I saw one lying in the gutter the other day with his kilt round his waist. He was drunk, and it was freezing cold - I am surprised he did not get frostbite."

Poland has become a major destination for UK tourists mainly attracted by the cheap beer.

Authorities in major towns like Warsaw and Krakow have already complained about the drunken British tourists often coming for stag parties, but now they say the kilted Scots have added an extra dimension.

In the city of Wroclaw, officials are exploring a kilt ban after being horrified by groups of drunk Scottish men who lifted their kilts to strangers.

Local police who have born the brunt of the complaints say a kilt ban would not be possible, but have promised to crack down on the partying Scots and make sure they keep their kilts down at all times.

A Wroclaw city council spokesman said: "So far the police have told us that there can be no ban on people wearing kilts in our town as it is an accepted form of dress and there is nothing offensive about it. However, we are still looking into the matter as we have had a number of complaints from people who were confronted by drunks lifting their kilts and exposing themselves and we feel that this is not the kind of behaviour our city wants to see.

"Why would we want to see what a Scotsman wears under his kilt?"

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Learning the rules of the road in China

By Nick Macfie

Tue Mar 20, 8:10 AM ET

BEIJING, March 18 (Reuters Life!) - Driving my battered old Volkswagen Santana on the streets of Beijing, I made the mistake of stopping at a red light.

It turned out I was doing the right thing. I know that, because I later checked the Chinese highway code. It was a red light on a left turn. Not one of those red lights where you don't actually have to stop.

That did not prevent the drivers lined up behind me from leaning on their horns and making all sorts of gesticulations suggesting that perhaps I should get out of their way.

That is the problem with driving in China, which statistically has some of the world's most dangerous roads.

It is common to see cars back up on highways when they miss a turn. To see someone signal to overtake is a rare delight.

I passed the road traffic theory test when I arrived in China three years ago, but a series of minor offences meant I had to retake it.

My approach had always been "when in Rome etc." With cameras watching at just about every major junction, that was my mistake.

I took the test again this month -- and failed.

I got 74 out of 100. The pass mark is 90. I thought it only right to buy the English-language version of the highway code and cram for my third attempt, but the questions and answers are often contradictory, or just plain bizarre.

And not because anything is lost in translation.

Some are easy -- "Blowing the horn in an area or section where horn blowing is prohibited is not permitted." True or false?

Some are confusing -- "If a motor vehicle is passing through an intersection without a traffic light or traffic sign, should it give right of way to vehicles that have a green light?"

Some are scary -- "When a bicycle rider tries to grasp a moving vehicle, the driver should accelerate to get away from him, stop quickly or stop smoothly?"

The road rage question reads -- "After quarrelling with others, a driver: a, can drive the vehicle only after calming down; b, should fight the person with whom there is a disagreement and let the situation affect his driving; c, drive with rage."

And then there is the perennial favorite. "What should a driver do when he needs to spit while driving? a, spit through the window; b, spit into a piece of waste paper, then put it in a garbage can; or c, spit on the floor of the vehicle?"

The answer, in case it comes up, is b.

The test center, south of Beijing, cannot be missed. Flanking the main gates are two vehicles on plinths; one is a wrecked Mercedes, the other a burnt-out mini-van.

Waiting for your test, you can watch a DVD showing car wrecks, burned bodies, torn limbs and grieving families. Or you read the signs: "Let the road safety rules be your mentor."

Then comes the test itself, all done by computer. If you pass you get a smiley face. If you fail, it's tears.

I got tears when I took it for the third time, but the officer in charge looked at my score -- 88 out of 100 -- showed some much-appreciated leeway and let me pass.

Back at reception, another officer said "well done" and told me I could drive again the next day.

And when I did get back behind the wheel, I considered the wisdom of another gem from the highway code.

"If your petrol tank catches fire, do you douse it with water, use a carbon dioxide fire extinguisher, or cover the flames with cotton-padded clothes?"

The answer given is cotton-padded clothes. I have my doubts.

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French said to outpace Americans in French-bashing

Fri Apr 27, 1:21 AM ET

PARIS (Reuters) - The French dislike themselves even more than the Americans dislike them, according to an opinion poll published on Friday.

The survey of six nations, carried out for the International Herald Tribune daily and France 24 TV station, said 44 percent of French people thought badly of themselves against 38 percent of U.S. respondents who had a negative view of the French.

Only 14 percent of Germans, 25 percent of Italians, 29 percent of Spaniards and 33 percent of Britons had a negative view of the French, according to the Harris/Novatris poll, which questioned more than 1,000 people in each country.

Looked at from another perspective, the Germans have the highest regard for their neighbours, with 73 percent saying they had a positive view of the French.

By contrast, some 63 percent of Italians had a positive view of the French, 54 percent of Spaniards, 51 percent of French, 41 percent of Britons and just 35 percent of Americans.

Relations between France and the United States plunged following Paris's fierce opposition to the U.S.-led war in  Iraq.

Thursday's poll said 74 percent of Americans said whoever wins the second round of France's presidential election on May 6 should try to improve relations with the United States.

Some 41 percent of French agreed, but 20 percent believed Paris should be even more distant with Washington.

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Miss Mexico tones down pageant dress

By JULIE WATSON, Associated Press Writer

Tue Apr 17, 5:48 PM ET

MEXICO CITY - Miss Mexico is toning down her Miss Universe pageant dress — not because it's too slinky or low-cut, but because its bullet-studded belt and images of hangings from a 1920s uprising have outraged Mexicans.

The floor-length dress is accented with crosses, scapulars and a sketch of a man facing a firing squad. Designers who helped select the dress from among 30 entries argued it represented the nation's culture and history, especially since Mexico City is hosting the pageant in May.

Cut from a traditional natural cotton called manta, the dress depicts scenes from the 1926-1929 Cristero war, an uprising by Roman Catholic rebels against Mexico's secular government, which was imposing fiercely anti-clerical laws. Tens of thousands of people died.

"We wanted a dress that made you think of Mexico," Hector Terrones, who served on the selection committee, told La Jornada newspaper. "The design should grab people's attention and have impact without giving too much information."

But many Mexicans weren't happy about the history the dress evoked, especially at a moment of debate about the Catholic Church's role in politics and its lobbying against a Mexico City proposal to legalize abortion. Others said it glorified violence in a country where a battle between drug gangs has brought a wave of killings and beheadings.

La Jornada columnist Jorge Camil said a dress was not the place to recount the event.

"It would be like Miss USA wearing a dress showing images of the Ku Klux Klan in the deep South, with their hoods, their burning crosses and beer cans," he wrote. "A beauty contest is very far from being the right place to vent political and religious ideologies."