Subject: Daily Dose - 070522 - about that big, News from the British
Tabloids, Speedy Morris, DDL, Rotten News
The first time I went to a drug
store to buy condoms, a beautiful young woman waited me on. She asked what size
I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said,
"Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if
I was that big.
I said, "I'm bigger than
that."
Then she held up two fingers and
asked if I was that big.
I said, "I'm bigger than
that."
Then she held up three fingers and
asked if I was that big.
I said, "I'm about that
big."
She put the three fingers in her
mouth and said, "You're a medium."
______________________________
News from the British Tabloids...
Pupils allowed to smoke - in a cage
A Belgian school is to let pupils
smoke - but only if they stand in a cage and wear a graphic badge.
The badge shows an x-ray image of a
pair of lungs, blackened by smoking, reports De Morgen.
The new rule will be introduced for
pupils over the age of 16 at the Vesalius Institute in Ostende in February.
Assistant-director Claudine Lesaffre
said: "We do a lot to promote a healthy lifestyle in our school.
"One third of our 600 students
smoke. We've been trying to motivate the youngsters over the years, encouraged
teachers to attend smoke free courses. But nothing seems to help.
"By wearing the badge, students
expresses it is by their own free will they are damaging their health. If this
won't help, I don't know what to do anymore."
But the students seem more concerned
about having to smoke in a cage than wearing the badge.
One is quoted as saying: "It's
like putting us in a cage in the zoo."
The Belgian Commissioner For
Children's Rights, Ankie Vandekerckhove, criticised the move.
She said: "It's stigmatising
for the students, because they will be looked at by the whole school. They can
take measures that are far better than that badge or that cage."
***
Surgeons' lame excuse
Surgeons trying to correct the limp
of a five-year-old boy in China has apologised after lengthening the wrong leg.
They say the mistake was down to the
boy being anaesthetised on his back but then operated on while lying on his
stomach.
Xiangya Second Hospital in Changsha
city operated on Miao Mingming whose right leg is shorter than his left.
"The doctor suggested surgery
to extend the withered tendon, and we agreed. But when Mingming came out of the
operating room, I found his left leg was in the cast," complained his
father.
The hospital has admitted its
mistake and promised to take full responsibility, reports Xinhua News.
Chief doctor Zhao said: "I am
very sorry about what happened. Before the surgery, the patient was lying on
his back and received full anaesthesia, and then the surgery was done with the
patient lying on his stomach."
Now Mingming has to undergo two more
operations, one to extend the right leg, the other to shorten the extended left
leg.
***
Ban on feeding cows dope
Switzerland's Agriculture Ministry
has called on the country's farmers to stop feeding their cows cannabis.
Several recent adverts have promoted
feeding hemp to farm animals even after a March 2005 law banning its use.
The Agriculture Ministry has now
warned that farmers doping their cows will be prosecuted.
Farmers consider the cheap and easy
to grow plant is good for their cows.
They believe the active ingredient
in cannabis, THC, makes cows happy and produce more milk, but the Agriculture
Ministry say THC can get into the milk and create a health risk.
They also said that there was a risk
that Swiss cheese products could be contaminated.
***
'God' loses bank account
An author who changed his name to
God for a book was dumped by his bank.
Sheridan Simove, 35, had his HSBC
account closed after changing his name by deed poll, reports The Sun.
The bachelor, of Wandsworth, South
London, said: "At first they told me I needed two names to have an account
- so I replied that I'd become Almighty God."
HSBC said he must use his original
name.
______________________________
Speedy Morris was the basketball
coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning he was
shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that
Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.
Coach Morris was excited that his
team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports
magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his
razor.
Covered with blood and shaving
lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the
stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly
said, "Hello?"
The voice on the other end asked,
"Is this Speedy Morris?"
"Yes, yes!" he replied
excitedly.
Then the voice continued, "Mr.
Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year
subscription to Sports Illustrated."
______________________________
DDL
You may not believe me, and yet,
Old gals are the very best bet.
They don't yell, tell, or swell,
And they screw hard as hell,
For it may be the last one they'll get!
______________________________
"Well, the big story in the presidential campaign is how much money
Hillary Clinton raised. She raised 26 million in the first quarter, and then
shifted $10 million she had left over from her Senate race for a total of $36
million. In fact Hillary Clinton has so much money now, John Kerry is hitting
on her."
-Jay Leno
***
"California Gov. Arnold
Schwarzenegger announced he is going to appear on the show 'Pimp My Ride.' This
is of course great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does
the closed captioning."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Charles Simonyi became the
latest billionaire to go into space with the Russians. He's Martha Stewart's
boyfriend. If I was Martha Stewart's boyfriend I'd be going too."
-Craig Ferguson
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Bosnian angry with 'funeral' no show
A Bosnian man has written to all his
friends to complain after only his elderly mum turned up for his funeral.
Amir Vehabovic, 45, faked his own
death just to see how many people would attend. He then watched from the bushes
as only his elderly mum turned up for the burial in the north Bosnian town of
Gradiska.
In the letter to the 45 people he
invited to the burial he said: "I paid a lot of money to get a fake death
certificate and bribe undertakers to deliver an empty coffin.
"I really thought a lot more of
you, my so-called friends, would turn up to pay their last respects. It just
goes to show who you can really count on."
**********
Funeral procession breathalysed
Police have been criticised in
Holland after officers halted a funeral procession to carry out breathalyser
tests.
The mourners had just left the
church in Enschede and were on their way to the cemetery in Usselo. The hearse
and the four following cars were allowed to drive on.
But ten cars driven by family and
friends were pulled over and many arrived too late to attend the burial.
"I find it very strange that
people taking part in a funeral procession were pulled over to be
breathalysed," said council member Jurgen Van Houdt. "The police
could have waited until after the funeral."
The police declined to comment.
**********
April 29, 2007
Jailed politicians use cellphones to
woo voters from jail
By BISWAJEET BANERJEE
LUCKNOW, India (AP) - Six
politicians awaiting trial on murder or abduction charges in lawless northern
Uttar Pradesh state have been using cellphones to campaign for re-election from
prison, police said Sunday.
The politicians call their
supporters who broadcast the speeches live to rallies from their mobile phones,
using a microphone hooked up to a public address system, police spokesman
Surendra Srivastava said.
"It is not a hush-hush affair.
The meetings are well organized and at the stipulated time the leaders address
their supporters using mobiles," Srivastava said.
Indian law only bans people from
serving in public office if they have been convicted of an offence.
Among the imprisoned suspects campaigning
by phone is independent candidate Mukhtar Ansari, who is accused of murdering a
Hindu nationalist legislator, Srivastava said.
Others to use the tactic include
Sujit Singh for the opposition Bhartiya Samaj Party - also arrested on murder
charges - and Amarmani Tripathi, an independent candidate who is suspected of
killing his girlfriend.
Saroj Singh, Ajai Singh and Satish
Singh, all standing as independent candidates, are awaiting trial on abduction
and murder charges, Srivastava said.
All six will be moved to prisons
with equipment to jam mobile phone calls, said Mahesh Chand Sinha, a deputy
inspector-general of state police. Inmates are not allowed to keep mobile
phones.
"An inquiry has been ordered
into how these politicians got access to mobile phones," Sinha told The
Associated Press, adding that police were looking into allegations that prison
guards had accepted bribes for the phones.
Uttar Pradesh is considered one of
India's most lawless provinces. According to the independent poll monitoring
group Uttar Pradesh Election Watch, at least 100 members of the outgoing
legislature are facing criminal charges - 73 of them facing trial on murder and
kidnapping charges.
Many of those are seeking
re-election, said I. G. Dikshit who runs Uttar Pradesh Election Watch.
**************
WUHAN, China --
In this photo released by China's Xinhua News Agency, a stuntman acting as
Spiderman leaps from a hurtling vehicle to another during a stunt show held at
the Xinhualu Stadium in Wuhan, capital of central China's Hubei Province. The
Filmka stunt group from Hollywood gave a dazzling show of car and autobike
stunts to the audience in Wuhan. (12/11/06 AP photo/Xinhua, Fang Xi)