Subject: Daily Dose - 070516 - George's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of my
most prolific contributor - George, in Winnipeg...
***
Mid Life Crisis
When I was married 25
years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we
had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch
black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old
blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make
sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap
car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
Aren't older women great. They
really know how to solve your mid-life crises...
______________________________
BUTT DUST
These have to be original and
genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom
breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have
you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how
old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his
Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury
you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and
wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing
her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to
open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does
it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice
when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again,"
she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom
scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a
young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his
eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom
looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I
don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife
fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a
Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife
and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother
when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at
her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your
face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will
never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the
minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his
upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was
listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four
year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
______________________________
Humour in Uniform
Officer: "Soldier, do you have
change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to
address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a
dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
***
Q: How do you know if there is a
fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
***
An Air Force Chief Warrant
Officer and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just
getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some
after-shave to slap on their faces.
The general shouted, "Hey,
don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The Chief turned to his barber and
said, "Go ahead and put it on me.my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like."
***
"Well," snarled the tough
old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get
discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come
and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the
seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in
line again!"
______________________________
All of these are legitimate
companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online
names might appear .... and be misread.
These are not made up.. Check them out yourself!
1. "Who Represents" is
where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their
Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 . "Experts Exchange" is
a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no
further than "Pen Island" at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try
"Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the "Italian Power
Generator" company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the "Mole
Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for
"IP" computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
8. And the designers at "Speed
of Art" await you at their wacky Web site www.speedofart.com
______________________________
Forget all your troubles
Live your life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out
of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too
healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're
generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become
a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months
floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an
orgasm.
______________________________
ABOUT BEING OLD
The other day a young person asked
me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself
as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I
explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let
her know.
Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first
time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I
sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging
butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror
(who looks like my Father!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing
friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter
belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of
myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra
cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I
didn't need, but looks so avant garde on my patio.
I am entitled to a treat, to be
messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world
too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to
read or play on the computer until 4a.m. and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those
wonderful tunes of the 40 & 50's, and if I, at the same time, wish to
weep over a lost love -- I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit
that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with
abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.They, too,
will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But
there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember
the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has
been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a
child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But
broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A
heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being
imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long
enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever
etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many
have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be
positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself
anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
- So, to answer your question, I
like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not
going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time
lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat
dessert every single day. (if I feel like it!)
Author Unknown
______________________________
I'm blind, but there's no need to
talk to my dog
I thought this article was
priceless.
The Herald, Scotland (UK)
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
I'm blind, but there's no need to
talk to my dog
By IAN HAMILTON
I'm utterly exhausted with people
constantly asking how I became blind. Considering that I'm 42, and blind since
birth, it could be imagined that by now I would be familiar with this question.
On the contrary, if anything I'm
getting more impatient with the same old questions day after day. "Have
you been blind all your life?" To this I always respond: "Not
yet".
"Your hearing must be so much
better than mine?" Answer: "Pardon?" "That's a lovely
Labrador you have there." Answer: "Labrador? My dog is a
Shepherd."
Not original answers, but they
always make me and Moss, my black Labrador, chuckle.
It always happens when I'm trapped
and unable to escape. When I'm on a bus, train or taxi. People are naturally
curious; I understand this. But they can't resist going that little bit too far
if you show any glimpse of being generous with your responses.
"Couldn't you get an operation
to get your sight back?" Answer: "No! I like walking into bus
stops."
"My auntie was blind. She had
to stay in bed. You're so brave going out and about." Staying in bed. Umm,
now there's an idea. That was one smart auntie.
"How do you find your mouth
when you eat?" Answer: "In the same way you find your bum when you
wipe it."
"If I was blind I would have to
kill myself." Answer: "Why wait?"
These normal questions are the
reason I've come up with a fantastic plan. For years, various organisations
have been providing Blind Awareness Workshops. In fact, I've had to deliver a
few. These workshops show the public how they should respond if they encounter
a blind person. Topics such as, don't go up and shout at blind people, they are
not deaf.
ASK, if they want to cross the road?
DON'T drag them across the road by the ears. When you are giving directions,
DON'T waggle your finger in some vague direction and say: "It's just over
there next to the post office. SEE, you can't miss it." Wanna bet?
Many years ago I was waiting for a
bus in Union Street in Glasgow, when two little old ladies decided to lift me,
from behind, on to the bus. They proceeded to push, heave and shove me. Now, I
know I'm not known for my speed, but I was heading in the right direction of
the door under my own propulsion. You won't be surprised to hear that they
failed miserably. After all, I'm 13 stone and 6ft. To get me safely aboard they
caused mayhem: pushing mothers and toddlers aside to get to their prey.
The driver had to leave his cab to
untangle buggies, shopping and various limbs and walking sticks.
I wonder if the ladies survived that
day. I know I'm scared.
I've decided to call my new training
course The Blind Person's Guide to the General Public. Topics such as dealing
with people who are giving directions to my dog while ignoring me. This did
happen in Glasgow's Central Station by a member of the railway police. I
couldn't believe it. Was he having a laugh? No, he really was under the misapprehension
that my dog knew what he was on about. Not once did he refer to me at all.
Bizarre behaviour!
My course will teach blind people
how to cope when faced with this kind of attitude. When people come up and say:
"You are a lovely boy" - when talking to the dog. Say, "Thank
you very much but I'm spoken for."
Another tip is always to have a pair
of headphones in your pocket. It is awful to be trapped on a train with someone
going through all their fears and traumas about being blind. Just say that you
are going to listen to an audio book. Pop on the headphones and put the jack in
your pocket. They'll never know the difference.
When you get caught by someone
asking silly questions, the answer is to turn the conversation round at the
first opportunity. The one main conversation that everyone likes to talk about
is themselves.
Now this doesn't just apply to us
blindies - the technique can be used by everyone. Let me give you an example. I
was travelling on the Glasgow Underground. Sitting opposite was a woman who
decided to interrogate me about my then German Shepherd guide dog. "What's
its name?" The following questions took that kind of line. Then she
started to get a little more probing. "So how did you lose your sight?"
Now in the correct circumstance that
is a perfectly reasonable question. However, not on the underground when
surrounded by ear-wigging passengers. I had a number of options. One is telling
her to mind her own business (or words to that effect). I took a different
tack. This was the first time I had put the technique into action.
It worked a treat.
I ignored her question. Then I asked
her some questions of my own, such as, "Where are you off to today?".
By the time she got off three stops later, I knew that she had just broken up
with her boyfriend, she was looking for a flat and was thinking of moving south
again! But she left the tube feeling happy. I hadn't been rude, and the only
thing she found out about me was the name and age of my dog.
A good result, I would say. I'm not
a reporter for nothing.
Ian Hamilton reports on disability
issues for BBC Scotland.
**************
Stilton launch blue cheese perfume
The makers of the famously pungent
Stilton blue cheese have launched their own perfume.
And they have approached Cat Deeley
to be the face of Eau de Stilton.
It claims to "recreate the
earthy and fruity aroma" of the cheese "in an eminently wearable
perfume".
The perfume, blended by a
Manchester-based aromatics company, features a "symphony of natural base
notes including yarrow, angelica seed, clary sage and valerian".
It was commissioned by the Stilton
Cheesemakers' Association as part of a campaign to persuade more people to eat
their product.
Nigel White, of the SCA, brushed off
suggestions that it might not be the most alluring of scents.
"Blue Stilton cheese has a very
distinctive, mellow aroma and our perfumier was able to capture the key essence
of that scent and recreate it in what is an unusual but highly wearable
perfume," he said.
"While we don't have quite as
generous a budget as some of her other endorsements, we would love Miss Deeley
to be the face of Eau de Stilton and look forward to hearing what she thinks of
the scent."