Subject: Daily Dose - 070514 - hooked my ball, News from the British
Tabloids, ladies golf tournament, DDL, Rotten News
I was playing golf with my doctor
friend one day. He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
I asked him for help and he offered
to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem. Sure enough, he
said that my penis was three times that of the average male, and that is what
caused an anomaly in my swing which created my hook.
I asked him to help me, and he
agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I
agreed because golf is just that important to me.
Four weeks later, new body and all,
I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the
middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor. Then I asked him what had become
of the "rest" of me.
He just smiled, teed his ball, then
hit it and watched it duck hook two fairways left.
______________________________
News from the British Tabloids...
Durex appeal for testers
Durex has been inundated with
queries after launching its first UK recruitment drive for condom testers.
The firm wants a panel of 5,000
people who are single, married, or in couples to report their experiences of
using its condoms and lubricants.
Men and women of all ages, ethnic
groups or sexual orientation have been asked to apply on its website.
Durex was inundated with 14,000
applicants on the first day it started a similar scheme in France.
UK panellists will be expected to
report online on how enjoyable the condoms and lubricants were to use and
whether their sex lives have improved.
"The idea is to create a
massive panel of testers who can try Durex condoms, have sex and then give us
feedback about their experiences - in strictest confidence, of course," a
Durex spokeswoman said.
"It isn't some crazy kind of
'60s love-in," she added.
***
Patient nips to loo and loses bed
A hospital patient went to the loo
and returned to find staff had given her bed to another woman.
Pat Roberts, 68, was away from her
bed for less than 20 minutes, reports the Sun.
Staff at the Royal Devon and Exeter
Hospital told her she would have to wait for another bed.
Husband Ron said: "I was with
my wife and helped her to the bathroom. When we returned it was not a case of
them making up the bed, it was already full.
"We were only away from the bed
for the time it took me to push her through the ward to the toilet and back
again."
A spokeswoman for the hospital said
they would investigate the incident.
***
Cat and mouse case for cops
Police were called in after a cat
tried to pull a mouse out of a jam jar and got its head stuck.
Officers said the incident was
reminiscent of a Tom and Jerry cartoon, reports the Peterborough Evening
Telegraph.
A motorist went to a police station
for help after finding the cat wandering beside a road in Peterborough, with
the jar on its head and the mouse millimetres from its nose.
A receptionist and three officers
pulled and twisted but were unable to release the cat.
Eventually the animal freed itself -
and the mouse - by smashing the jar on the floor of Thorpe Wood police station.
"It was like a scene from Tom
and Jerry," said a police spokeswoman.
"I don't think anyone had ever
seen anything like it before. The mouse ran off - it's still running around
Thorpe Wood police station somewhere."
***
Love park to open in Italy
A park where passionate couples can
romp freely is set to open in Italy.
Many young couples in Italy find it
hard to be intimate as high prices force them to live with their parents for
longer.
Entrepreneur Giuseppe Foggetti is
behind the park, in the southern port town Bary, where couples pay £2 to go in
and another £1 for every half hour they stay.
He said: "My idea was to create
a place for those that want to spend intimate moments together without thinking
whether someone would be shocked if they saw it. I intend to offer security and
privacy."
______________________________
There was a ladies golf tournament
on. One of the players hit a bad shot off into the rough and had to make a
difficult shot back out of a patch of brush to get back onto the fairway.
The player ends up straddling a
small shrub to get the correct angle for the shot and the female announcer
says, "This will be an extremely difficult shot for her with that bush
between her legs."
You hear a strangled, choking noise
from the male announcer (who probably still thanks his lucky stars today that
he was off-camera); the female announcer then repeats, "Yes, a very
difficult shot with that bush between her legs."
You then hear this from the male
announcer, "Snort...snort... gasp...brahahahahahah!"
______________________________
DDL
The hard-on of sheepherder Crewes
Was one that he just couldn't lose.
He'd no girls to assault,
So perhaps one can't fault
His putting his dick to good ewes.
______________________________
"In New York a man has set the
Guinness World Record for being a couch potato. He spent 68 hours and 48
minutes straight watching TV. So nice to see FEMA director Mike Brown landing
on his feet."
--Jay Leno
***
"Martha Stewart is with us
tonight and she's going to show us how to dig a tunnel with a melon
baller."
--David Letterman
***
"President Bush is trying to
put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared
victory in the 'War on Jobs.'"
--Craig Kilborn
***
"Did you realize we are in the
middle of a drought here in New York City? I came into work today and everyone
was gathered around a moist towelette talking about their weekend."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Al Gore gave a speech this
week criticizing the Bush administration, really attacked him. And then Gore
took questions from some of the other people waiting in line at
Starbucks."
--Jay Leno
***
"It's been reported today that
Democrats in California are trying to find a candidate to run against Arnold
Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately, the only candidate who's as qualified as
Schwarzenegger is Vin Diesel"
--Conan O'Brien
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Topless wife photo ends German man's
pole protest
Fri Mar 2, 5:06 AM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man who
spent 10 days in a self-made box atop a 22-metre (72 foot) high pole to protest
a looming jail term was lured off his perch by his wife -- who sent up a
topless picture of herself in his lunch box.
Fred Gregor, 45, was bidding to have
his 15-month conviction for fraud overturned by squatting in his tiny 3.25
square metre cubicle atop a converted television mast. He told Reuters in a
telephone interview last week that he wanted a new trial.
His wife Susanne, 25, backed his
protest until the former stripper and mother of their five children decided she
had had enough. Bild newspaper published the topless photo of herself in a
wedding dress she sent him. He came right down, she told Bild.
**********
No time like present to remove
clocks
Thu Mar 1, 5:22 PM ET
FORT WORTH, Texas - The missing
clock didn't stop postal customer Al Cunningham from noticing the amount of
time spent waiting for service. "It's always long here," said
Cunningham, 49, an insurance adjuster and former postal employee who was
standing in line at the Watson Post Office in Fort Worth.
The Watson Post Office is one of the nation's 37,000 post offices in which
clocks have been removed from retail areas as part of a "retail
standardization program" launched last year. The effort is designed to
give the public-service areas a more uniform appearance, the Fort Worth
Star-Telegram reported in Thursday editions.
"We want people to focus on
postal service and not the clock," said Stephen Seewoester, Dallas
spokesman for the U.S. Postal Service.
At the Fort Worth post office, the
hook that once held up the small battery-powered clock now protrudes from a
plaster wall. The clock was taken down months ago.
A customer-service expert at Texas
A&M University was not impressed with the decision to take down the
timepieces.
"It's silly," said Leonard
Berry, holder of the M.B. Zale Chair in Retail and Marketing Leadership.
"I guess they think people don't have watches."
**********
2nd Apr 2007
Grieving Indian couple commit
suicide after pet dog dies
HYDERABAD, India, April 2 (Reuters)
- Unable to come to terms with the death of their pet dog, an elderly couple in
southern India committed suicide by hanging themselves, police said on Monday.
The bodies of 67-year-old retired
soldier C.N. Madanraj and his wife, Tarabai, 63, were found on Sunday in their
home in a suburb of Hyderabad.
Police said the childless couple had
held a burial ceremony for their dog of 13 years, called "Puppy", and
hosted a feast for friends before hanging themselves in their bedroom.
"The couple described the grief
over their pet dog in the suicide note they left on March 29," said police
inspector V. Anantaiah.
***********
Cheeky way to help the missus
A Chinese man is undergoing plastic
surgery to reduce his protruding cheek bones to let his wife live longer.
Lang Qiang says fortune-tellers told
him his wife would die before him - because of the effect of his cheekbones.
Lang, 48, of Chongqing city, said:
"I believe it without any doubt. Misfortunes are always happening to my
wife, while I have none.
"For example, every morning, we
need to go downstairs to pick up the bottled milk. I've never had a problem,
but my wife fell and fractured her legs going down the stairs.
"Another time I stood on a
bench to hang a cloth. Then my wife stood on it, and the bench broke."
Lang says more than one
fortune-teller told him his protruding cheekbones were killing his wife so he
finally decided to have plastic surgery.
"I always feel sorry for my
wife and want to do something to make things up," he said. "I told my
wife I would go on a business trip for more than 10 days. I want to give her a
surprise."
The operation was a success, but the
surgeon advised Lang to get rid of his superstitions, reports Chongqing Morning
News.