Subject: Daily Dose - 070509 - George's Collection
Some more passed along by George (in
Winnipeg...)
MY DAD IS A FATHER TOO
A little boy got on the bus, sat
next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his
collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My
Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book
and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4
boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that
way."
The priest, getting impatient, said,
"I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking
for a while, then leaned over and whispered, "Maybe you should wear your
pants backwards instead of your collar."
______________________________
The three daughters
A Chinese man had three daughters,
he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man
with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter
who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons
on his chest", said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest
daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with
one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter .
______________________________
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the
time I would be thinking about trading itin for a newer model. I've got bumps
and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull
... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it
once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours
to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter. either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
______________________________
New Drugs For Women
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines
as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and
credit limit of spending
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share
their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level
as nagging him.
______________________________
Seniors at Trailer Estates
A little old lady was sitting on a
park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over
and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks,
"Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years
ago."
"So, where were you all these
years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in
prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly
said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman.
"So you're single..."
***
Another two elderly people living in
Trailer Estates, he a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a
number of years.
One evening there was a community
supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table,
across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at
her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful
consideration,' she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more
pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning,
he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't
remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well
as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little
more courage, he inquired. When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say,
"Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't
remember who had asked me."
***
A man was telling his neighbor in
Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four
thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the
neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
***
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to
the doctor at The Trailer Estates Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days
later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" Morris replied.
To which, the doctor said, "I
didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"
______________________________
A husband and wife are in bed
together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels
good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels
wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't
stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
*****************
'Mickey Mouse' character urging
Islamic domination pulled off TV
Associated Press
May. 9, 2007 11:55 AM
RAMALLAH, West Bank - Hamas
militants have suspended a TV program that featured a Mickey Mouse lookalike
urging Palestinian children to fight Israel and work for global Islamic
domination, the Palestinian information minister said Wednesday.
Information Minister Mustafa
Barghouti said the character - a giant rodent with a high-pitched voice -
represented a "mistaken approach" to the Palestinian struggle against
Israeli occupation.
He said that the program was pulled
from Hamas-affiliated Al Aqsa TV at his ministry's request and "placed
under review."
The character, named
"Farfour," or "butterfly," but unmistakably a copy of the
Disney character, preached against the U.S. and Israel each Friday on the show called
Tomorrow's Pioneers.
"You and I are laying the
foundation for a world led by Islamists," Farfour squeaked on a recent
episode. "We will return the Islamic community to its former greatness,
and liberate Jerusalem, God willing, liberate Iraq, God willing, and liberate
all the countries of the Muslims invaded by the murderers."
Children called in to the show, many
singing Hamas anthems about fighting Israel.
A spokeswoman for Burbank,
Calif.-based Walt Disney Co. did not return phone calls seeking comment, and
the Gaza TV station had no comment.
The program was opposed by the
Palestinian Broadcasting Corp., which is controlled by the Fatah movement of
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, a Hamas rival that shares power with the
militants in the Palestinian government.
Barghouti is an independent aligned
with neither Hamas nor Fatah.
Loyalists of Hamas, which is sworn
to the destruction of Israel, launched the Al Aqsa satellite channel last year.
Bearded young men read the news and Islamic music is layered over footage of
masked militants firing rockets into Israel. The channel also broadcasts talk
shows, programs about the disabled and cartoons.
Hamas loyalists also run at least
five news Web sites, a newspaper and a radio station.