Subject: Daily Dose - 070507 - convert a bear, News from the British
Tabloids, TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE, DDL, Rotten News
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher,
anda Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana
in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and
to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment
that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be
to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,
and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later they're all
together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in
a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And
when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear
wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed
my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle a lamb. The
bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He
was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his
best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that
we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read
to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So
I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED
his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent
the rest of the day praising The Lord."
They both looked down at the rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up
and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way
to start."
______________________________
News from the British Tabloids...
Gruesome April 1 prank
A Chinese man is divorcing his wife
after she pretended to hang herself as an April Fool's joke
It happened when Mr Lin, of
Shanghai, came home on April 1 after a business trip, reports the Shanghai
Evening Post.
"When I opened the door, I saw
a black object swinging in the air. When I turned on the light I was shocked to
see my wife had hanged herself," he said.
Lin immediately called police and
the property office. Office staff helped Lin take down the 'body' while waiting
for the police.
"Suddenly, she sat up, started
to laugh hysterically, and said this was my April Fool's Day present,"
says Lin angrily.
His wife, Han, a 26-year-old
actress, is always playing jokes on Lin as a way of keeping the marriage fresh.
She says: "I just try to surprise him everyday."
But Lin has has had enough: "I
feel as if I'm sitting on a bomb everyday. We're getting divorced!
"I can't stand the jokes and
games anymore. She hides the dishes in the washing machine, or changes the lock
on the door, so that I can only enter by giving the correct answer to some
stupid questions, and so on."
***
Safety workers 'mollycoddled'
Workers at the Health and Safety
Executive have been banned from moving furniture around their offices.
Staff have been told to book a
porter to complete the task - and allow two days for it to happen, reports the
Daily Mail.
To hammer home the point, signs
reading: 'Do not lift tables or chairs without giving 48 hours notice to HSE
management', have been plastered across the walls.
Labour peer Lord Berkeley noticed
the signs when he attended a meeting at the London headquarters of the HSE.
Incensed by what he considered to be
"health and safety gone mad", Lord Berkeley raised the matter in the
House of Lords, demanding in a parliamentary question to know why the HSE had
put up the notices.
"I saw them and thought, 'It
just can't be true'," he said. "It's ridiculous to mollycoddle people
like that. It's taking health-and-safety precautions to a ridiculous level.
"The HSE is an office like any
other - so if it is not required in other offices, why there? It's the epitome
of a nanny state."
The signs have been put up in almost
all of the 31 HSE offices across the country, where 3,600 staff are employed.
A spokesman said: "HSE's
approach to moving furniture in its offices is based on its own assessment of
the risks from manual handling - one of the main causes of work-related absence
among its staff."
But an insider at the executive
reportedly described life there as "a nanny state gone absolutely
bonkers".
"Are we seriously supposed to
wait two days before we can rearrange a room so we can all see each other in a
meeting?"
***
Girl bites Hamburger
A German girl who could not get rid
of a persistent admirer in a Hamburg disco unzipped his flies, pulled out his
penis - and almost bit it in half.
Emergency services found the man
clutching his blood-stained member in the middle of the dance floor.
Natascha Mueller, 23, told police:
"I just wanted to dance and he kept coming alongside me and would not go
away."
Her victim, Andreas Baum, 39, said:
"She beckoned me over and told me 'I know what you need'.
"Then she unzipped my trousers
and I thought it was Xmas, and then she bit me. The pain was incredible. She
almost bit it off."
The young woman, who was arrested,
was six times over the legal limit for driving when breath tested.
***
'Oh my God, South Park kill the
Queen!'
A new episode of South Park shows
the Queen shooting herself in a parody of drama series 24.
The Queen takes a pistol, puts it in
her mouth and pulls the trigger, reports the Daily Mirror.
Her cartoon body slumps to the floor
by her throne with her fallen crown beside her.
Bosses of the cult show are braced
for a barrage of complaints when it is screened in Britain this year.
A source at the US Comedy Central
network said: "South Park has never shied away from offending people in
the name of comedy.
"Scriptwriters say nobody is
off-limits to be poked fun at - including the Queen."
The episode, shown in the US this
week, centres on a terror threat and parodies drama series 24.
The Queen is shown trying to regain
control of the US for the British Empire and kills herself as her plans
collapse.
______________________________
We went to the movie the other
night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little
roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry,
oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was
trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said,
"Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud
whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on
the screen and mine is out in the car."
______________________________
DDL
There was a young plumber from Pau
Was plumbing a maid in the Bois.
Said the maid, 'Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming.'
Said the plumber, still plumbing, 'C'est moi'
______________________________
"According to a new report by a
genealogy company, Barack Obama's great-great-great-grandfather was born in
Ireland. Yeah, that should really solidify Obama's support among Irish
African-Americans raised in Hawaii."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Bill Clinton was a surprise
guest at Elton John's 60th birthday party this past weekend at Madison square
garden. There was one embarrassing moment - when he saw Elton John from the
behind he said, 'Hillary?'"
-Jay Leno
***
"It seems like every couple of
weeks McDonald's is making their menu more diet friendly. They're now offering
a third of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of a pound.
Don't worry... you get a pretty good workout at the ketchup pump."
-Dave Letterman
***
"It is better to give than to
lend, and it costs about the same."
--Sir Philip Gibbs
***
"He has no enemies, but is
intensely disliked by his friends."
--Oscar Wilde
***
"I can't believe she said I was
a liar. Sure I make random stuff up, but I'm not a liar."
--Overheard at Starbucks
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
26 February 2007
Strewth! Australia rocked by
'lesbian' koala revelation
By Roger Dobson
Female koalas indulge in lesbian
"sex sessions", rejecting male suitors and attempting to mate with
each other, sometimes up to five at a time, according to researchers.
The furry, eucalyptus-eating
creatures appear to develop this tendency for same-sex liaisons when they are
in captivity. In the wild, they remain heterosexual.
Scientists monitoring the marsupials
with digital cameras counted three homosexual interactions for every
heterosexual one.
"Some females rejected the
advances of males that were in their enclosures, only to become willing
participants in homosexual encounters immediately after," say the
researchers.
"On several occasions more than
one pair of females shared the same pole, and multiple females mounted each
other simultaneously. At least one multiple encounter involved five female
koalas."
One theory put forward by the
researchers is that the females do it to attract males; another is that it is
simply hormonal, or that it is a stress reliever.
Scientists from the University of
Queensland studied 130 koalas in captivity and will publish their results in
the journal Applied Animal Behaviour Science.
"Our aim was to determine the
extent of differences in the homosexual and heterosexual behaviour of female
koalas and thereby to determine the purpose of female homosexual behaviour in
the koala," say the researchers. "Wild koalas brought into captivity
clearly display homosexual behaviour on a regular basis. Homosexual behaviour
was restricted to females only."
**********
Girl lost in poker game pleads for
help
Mon Feb 26, 8:30 AM ET
HYDERABAD (Reuters) - A teenage girl
in southern Pakistan, whose late father lost her in a poker game when she was 2
years old, has asked authorities to save her from being handed over to a
middle-aged relative.
Rasheeda, 17, said she has filed applications with the police and a local
councillor asking them to prevent Lal Haider, 45, from taking her to his home.
Her mother, Nooran said her husband
racked up a debt of 10,000 rupees ($151) to Haider playing cards.
"My husband didn't have money
to pay, and instead he told Lal Haider that he could take Rasheeda when she
grows up," she said.
Despite being paid his money last
year, she said Haider still insisted the girl should be given to him because of
tribal customs.
While both families live in
Hyderabad, a city 160 km (100 miles) north of the southern city of Karachi,
they belong to the same tribe in Baluchistan province. The girl's uncle, Dur
Mohammad said Haider apparently wanted to marry the girl to his son.
Khalid Rajput, a local councillor
dealing with the case, said the decision that Rasheeda should be handed over to
Haider was taken late last week at a tribal council meeting.
"We know some tribal elders
from Baluchistan came for the meeting in which the girl's family was told to
give her as per their customs," he said.
Irfan Bhutto, a police officer in
Hyderabad, said Haider had been summoned. "We will ensure the girl does
not have to do anything against her will."
**********
Mum's The Word On New Thrill Ride
5:44 pm CDT April 6, 2007
SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- The ride is
called the Scandia Screamer. But if you ride it, you're not allowed to scream.
An amusement park near Sacramento,
Calif., has instituted a no-shrieking rule for its scary new thrill ride.
This rule came after the park got
complaints from the people who live nearby.
The ride, which looks like a
windmill, sends people plunging 16 stories toward earth at nearly 60 miles an
hour. But riders who let out a screech -- or just about any other noise -- are
pulled off and sent to the back of the line.
The general manager said after the
first complaint from the neighbors, a no-profanity rule was issued. Then, he
said, the neighbors started complaining about the screaming. And then, it was
the loud laughing and the rest of it. So the new rule is no noise.
One 15-year-old who was pulled off
the ride with her younger sister said it's hard to keep quiet.
"It makes you want to
scream," she said.
**************
Pensioner's amazing blast escape
A pensioner had an amazing escape
after a gas blast blew apart his home when he tried to make a cup of tea.
Jimmy Brown, 70, had just returned
from a walk with his dog Bessie when he lit a gas ring to make a cuppa - and
his 500-year-old stone cottage exploded.
The spectacular blast demolished the
entire front of his house, hurled masonry 50ft into the air and filled the
street with rubble and glass.
But because Jimmy was at the
epicentre of the explosion it hurled all the debris away from him and he
suffered only cuts and bruises.
Terrified neighbours rushed from
their homes to see the pensioner stepping out over the remains of his house in
Malmesbury, Wiltshire.
Amazingly, he then ventured back
into the house to search for his corgi-terrier cross - and emerged through the
flames moments later cradling it in his arms.
Libby Davis, 21, a waitress who
lives 10 doors away, felt her whole house shake in the blast, reports the Daily
Mail.
She said: "Everybody ran into
the street because it felt like an earthquake. There must have been about 75
people looking to see what the noise was.
"The whole front of the house
has just disappeared and what is left is being held up by the two houses on
either side.
"It looks like a war zone in a
Hollywood movie and we just can't believe that Jimmy walked away with no
injuries. His dog was just a little bit singed.
"It is an absolute miracle. It
is very neighbourly around here and we will all be making sure he is okay. He
was right in the middle of the blast and he survived, it is unbelievable."