Subject: Daily Dose - 070430 - overexerttion, BIZARRE NEWS, Neanderthal
man, DDL, Rotten News
At 85 years old, Morris marries a
lovely 25-year-old woman. The woman decides that on their wedding night they
should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that the old fellow
might overexert himself.
After the wedding festivities, she
prepares herself for bed and for Morris to come to her room. Sure enough, there
is a knock at the door and there is her groom, ready for action. They unite in
conjugal union and after the main event, Morris leaves while his bride gets
ready to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, there's a knock
on the door and there's old Morris, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised,
she consents to further coupling, after which the octogenarian bids her good
night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, when there
is another knock at the door by Morris, who is as energetic as a 25-year-old
and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie.
As they're relaxing, the young bride
says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice
to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were
only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris looks confused. He turns to
her and says, "I was here already?"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Pennsylvania Laws
It is illegal to have over 16 women
live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120
men can live together, without breaking the law.
A special cleaning ordinance bans
housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
You may not sing in the bathtub.
A person is not eligible to become
Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.
Any motorist who sights a team of
horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a
blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If
the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by
piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.
You may not catch a fish with your
hands.
You may not catch a fish by any body
part except the mouth.
***
Network Pulls 'Wank Week'
LONDON, A British network, trying to
avoid further controversy after charges of racism on a reality show, decided to
postpone airing its "wank week" programming.
The network's three late-night
documentaries about masturbation were to have been broadcast next month, but
were removed from the schedule, the Guardian said.
Channel 4's recently concluded
"Celebrity Big Brother" created controversy for the network after
thousands of viewers complained of alleged racist behavior toward one of the
housemates. Network officials said the documentaries could be broadcast at a
later date, perhaps shown separately and not as part of a branded "wank
week" season.
Several public figures, including
former ITV chief executive Charles Allen, have pointed to "wank week"
as an example to claim that Channel 4's standards are falling.
***
Crazed Driver Assaults Quiet
Neighborhood
DADE CITY, Fla., While most
residents were relaxing at home in Holiday, Fla. this weekend, one driver left
a path of destruction through a normally quiet neighborhood. The St. Petersburg
(Fla.) Times said residents of Holiday described how Robert Kroskrity veered
uncontrollable through the streets on Sunday before crashing into Bernie
Gamache's house.
"I heard this ungodly
noise," Gamache said. "Sounded like a tornado."
Area resident Mark Gillilan, who
lost a patio wall during the Kia Optima's rampage, said the speeding car
quickly got the attention of the entire neighborhood. "He was literally in
the air. He was going so fast, I could hardly tell what color the car
was," he said. "Every time it hit something, it goes bam! Bam!"
he added. "It's a weird sound. But you'll never forget it."
The newspaper said emergency
personnel took Kroskrity away before police discovered multiple drug
prescriptions inside the damaged car.
***
Swedish Web Site Offers Infidelity
Testing
STOCKHOLM, Sweden, The Swedish Web
site Pappatest.se makes it possible for suspicious partners to find out if
their significant others have been unfaithful.
Although the Web Site was mainly set
up to offer DNA paternity tests, the company said it would be more than willing
to test any samples sent in to them, The Local reported.
"The technique gives customers
the possibility to find out if their partner has been unfaithful,"
spokesman Bo Erlandsson told The Local. He added that although the Web site
offers the service, it has not had very many people use the site to test for
infidelity.
"We have just had a couple so
far. This service is not something we beat a big drum about," said
Erlandsson.
There is also a catch to the
service, besides the fact that it costs about $450 -- some sort of evidence
that the partner may have cheated must be provided.
"There must be a reason to come
to us. For example, a man might suspect that his wife is unfaithful. If he finds
stains in her underwear he can send it to us. We can then determine if it is
sperm. Then we can find out if it comes from another man or from himself,"
said Erlandsson.
***
Tattooed Fishies Advertise Love
Some Detroit pet shops are selling
unique Valentine's Day gifts -- fish tattooed with messages of love for the
recipient.
The fish, which are marked with pink
lips and the message "I (heart) U," are imported from Asia after
being prepared with ink injections or lasers, the Detroit Free Press reported
Monday. The fish have sold out at three of the seven Detroit shops that sell
the unique gifts for between $39 and $50.
"It's a way to make a statement
to a boyfriend or girlfriend," said Dennis Jones, general manager of
Greenwood Pets. "It's quite unique."
However, some pet stores have
refused to stock the fish as animal rights activists have decried the tattooing
process as an exercise in cruelty.
"It's neat, but I'm opposed to
it because it stresses the fish," said Junjun Cabral of the pet shop Best
Pets, which does not sell the fish.
"Nothing says 'I love you' like
cruelty to animals," said Bruce Friedrich, spokesman for People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals.
______________________________
As you know, Neanderthal man may
have interbred with modern man. His descendants are with us even today,
passing for full-blooded Homo sapiens. If you suspect a "touch of the old
hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself on this test:
1. Do your eyebrows meet in
the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five
points.
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself
five points.
6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten
points.
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than
sitting in a chair? Take five points.
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point
for every five degrees of slope.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're
normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an
apple? Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give
yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or
"Animal"? Three points.
Scoring:
0-20 points: You are a virtually
pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun
the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have
spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly.
If you live in California, no one will notice.
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid
eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a
career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
place for you in human society. Try running for public office instead.
______________________________
DDL
An octopus, purple with passion,
Said, "Sex in the sea they can't ration.
Octopussy, when wet,
Is the best I've found yet--
I sure hope it don't go out of fashion!"
______________________________
"Today marks the first day that
United States citizens returning from Mexico need a visa to be able to return.
Mexican citizens however are still allowed to just use the big hole in the
fence."
--Jay Leno
***
"Russia has announced it's
holding its annual beauty pageant for nuclear power plant workers. Apparently
last year's winner had the most beautiful three eyes they've ever seen."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"We do this show from the West
Coast, so because of the time differences, while you're at home sitting in
front of the TV in your underwear, I too am at home sitting in front of the TV
in my underwear. Only I'm watching Conan."
--Jimmy Kimmel
***
I prefer to describe myself as a
"Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has
just the right amount of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly
word.
***
A lot of people wonder how you know
if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I
mind being destroyed financially by this person?"
***
While walking through a parking lot,
I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her
car and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said,
touched by her concern. "Oh, good," she continued. "So will you
be vacating your parking space now?"
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Bahraini Lawmakers to Punish Porn
Downloads With Jail Time
By Michael Hayes
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
MANAMA, Bahrain — A local lawmaker
has introduced legislation that would impose a 1-year prison sentence for
anyone found guilty of downloading Internet pornography, according to a report
in the Gulf News.
Council of Representatives member
Abdullah Al Dossari introduced the measure as part of a comprehensive bill of
fines and jail terms targeting illegal behavior online, which he said runs the
gamut from pornography to economic crimes.
“We have noted an alarming surge in
cyber crimes resulting from impressive technological developments, but the
perpetrators are not always punished,” Al Dossari said. “I am submitting this
bill to deter anyone who wants to steal money or disseminate destructive ideas
or spread vice.”
The bill would impose a 1-year jail
term on anyone found guilty of using the Internet to download, possess, host,
publish or otherwise distribute pornographic content.
While a number of countries in the
region have balked at allowing their citizens to access the Internet, Bahrain
has taken a different tact. In its bid to become the telecommunications hub of
the Persian Gulf, the island nation has made Internet access widely available.
But access to the Internet has caused distress among religious authorities.
Islamic leaders have complained that
authorities have not done enough to block sexually explicit material from
entering the country via the Internet.
**********
Computer calamities
BT's Home IT Advisor service has
revealed its quirkiest conversations with tech-hassled customers.
Anthony Vollmer, head of home IT
propositions at BT, told us: "Some of the calls we get from customers have
certainly raised a smile."
They include:
Customer: "I keep getting inappropriate
pop-ups on my computer and don't want my wife to think that it's me."
Advisor: "I will remove them
for you."
Customer: "How do I get them
back when she is not in?"
Advisor: "Press any key to
continue."
Customer: "I can't find the
'Any' key."
***
Customer: "My mouse mat isn't
wired up."
Advisor: "I'm not sure I
understand, your mouse mat shouldn't have any wires."
Customer: "Well how does it
know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?"
***
Customer: "I met a man on the
internet, can you give me his phone number?"
***
Advisor: "You have spyware on
your machine which is causing the problem."
Customer: "Spyware? Can they
see me getting dressed through the monitor?"
***
Customer: "How do I change
channel on my monitor?"
Advisor: "Your monitor won't
have channels like a TV."
Customer: "But I was watching
the internet channel the other day and now I just get the word processing
channel."
***
Advisor: "Can you click on 'My
Computer'?"
Customer: "I don't have your
computer, just mine."
***
Customer: "My 14 year-old son
has put a password on my computer and I can't get in."
Advisor: "Has he forgotten
it?"
Customer: "No he just won't
tell me it because I've grounded him."
***
Customer: "My iPod will only
play one song."
Advisor: "Which other tracks
have you downloaded from iTunes?"
Customer: "Do I need to
download tracks?"
***
Customer: "My family in
Australia use BT Softphone, I can see them but they can't see me."
Advisor: "What brand is your
webcam?"
Customer: "What's a
webcam?"
**************
Soft porn for bus passengers
Bus passengers in Sofia are being
shown soft porn films on giant video screens at night.
During the day the plasma screens in
the Bulgarian capital show bus times, but the night shift now has the porn
films on view.
A spokesman for the station
management said: "We wanted to give the passengers something to take their
minds off the cold and to pass the time while waiting for a bus, and there are
unlikely to be children around that time of night."
The move however has angered many,
including mothers with young children, who say the movies are a disgrace.
They also claim the security guards have
stopped patrolling for troublemakers, and spend their time watching the giant
screens instead.
*********
Potty Humour....
Toilet Monster
Your wife will never yell at you
about leaving the seat up again! This Toilet Monster is shocking and funny! He
attaches to the inside of the toilet bowl by suction cups. As the unsuspecting
person goes to use the bathroom, they'll scream as they lift the lid and are
greeted by the Toilet Monster!
Not recommended for the elderly or
those with a weak heart!
