Subject: Daily Dose - 070429 - risqué picture, True News Stories from a
British Tabloid, High-Tech Redneck, DDL, Rotten News
I remember one time when I was home
visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the
refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a
lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I
asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to
remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she
explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
______________________________
True News Stories from a British
Tabloid.... (a new feature for the "Daily Dose"....)
Bank confiscates homeless woman's
fortune
A homeless woman who found £25,000
while rummaging through bins may lose the lot after she took it to a bank to
check it was real.
Fadila Cirhanovic, 52, from Zenica,
Bosnia-Herzegovina, said she couldn't believe her luck when she found the cash.
But she feared it could be
counterfeit and so took it to a bank to have the notes verified, reported daily
Bljesak.
Managers at the branch confirmed the
money was real, but confiscated it and passed it on to police after Cirhanovic
admitted to finding it.
She said: "I'm hoping that my
honesty will be rewarded in the end and I will get my fortune and be able to
change my life."
***
Rent-a-mob
More than 300 Germans are renting
themselves out as would-be protestors.
The protestors rent themselves out
for around £100 on website erento.com.
A spokesperson for the site says
there has been a demand for the service.
According to the site there are
various reasons why 'protestors' are hired, reports the BBC.
According to local German media,
organisers of a recent march in Munich hired a group of protestors because its
own adherents were too old to stand for hours waving banners.
***
Man, 87, told to show ID
A pensioner has been asked to prove
his age while buying a bottle of sherry - even though he's 87.
Jack Archer was asked for ID at the
checkout of his local Morrisons in York.
The checkout girl insisted that
everyone buying alcohol had to prove they were aged over 18.
According to the Sun, Jack said:
"I laughed but it became obvious she wasn't joking. I told her I was over
80 but she still wanted proof."
A Morrisons spokesman said: "No
offence or disrespect is intended by the question. We simply wish to make sure
we satisfy moral and legal obligations with regard to the sale of alcohol.
***
Road campaigner crashes on new road
A man who led a 30-year campaign for
a new bypass has become the first person to crash on it.
Jim Burley fought for the bypass in
Pegswood, Northumberland, to reduce heavy traffic through the village.
Parish council chairman Jim, 70, and
his wife Eunice, 69, were not seriously hurt when their Vauxhall van was in a
head-on collision with another van.
The accident was on a section of the
bypass which is open to traffic while work continues to complete the remaining
stretch.
Jim told the Sun: "I can
certainly see the irony in being involved in the first accident on a bypass for
which I have been campaigning for 20 to 30 years.
"Other parish councillors have
been ringing to say they can't believe it was me involved in the accident when
I have been making a song and dance about the bypass for years."
______________________________
You might be a High-Tech Redneck
If...
Your e-mail address ends in
"@over.yonder.com."
Your laptop has a sticker that says,
"Protected by Smith and Wesson."
You've ever doubled the value of
your truck by installing a cellular phone.
You wire your network with jumper
cables.
Your wife said either she or the
computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a
coaster to set your drink on.
Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
Your spell checker knows words like,
"Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
Your belt buckle is made from a dead
3.5" disk drive.
Smith & Wesson... the original
Point-N-Click interface.
When you order your new pick-up
truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
You only buy from GateWay, 'cause
the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.
______________________________
DDL
So here's to the lady named Twenn,
Who loves lying under the men!
That way, when she's screwing,
She knows what she's doing,
Though she gets a flat ass now and then.
______________________________
"Did you all watch the Oscars
last night? It was so long the memorial clip actually featured people who were
alive when the show began."
--Jay Leno
***
"The big topic today is who was
the best and worst dressed at the Academy Awards. Many people think Reese Witherspoon
looked the best. But worst dressed, sadly, went to Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) who
showed up in a Quaker Oatmeal box."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"It's a great day for America
because Krispy Kreme, the doughnut people, have announced they'll be selling
whole wheat doughnuts. My life is complete! Now, you can get healthy and fat at
the same time."
-Craig Ferguson
***
For once, an ETERNAL TRUTH...
Sometimes you will cry
and no one will see your tears...
Sometimes you will laugh
and no one will see you smile...
Sometimes you will fear
and no one will see you shudder...
Sometimes you will fall
and no one sees you struggle...
Sometimes you will lie
and no one will catch you up...
Sometimes you will be late
and no one seems to notice...
But fart just one time....
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Texas bill: Let blind hunters use
lasers
Mon Dec 11, 3:32 PM ET
AUSTIN, Texas - A lawmaker in this
firearm-friendly state wants to help more people get the chance to shoot live
animals — even if those people can't see.
A bill filed for the 2007
legislative session would permit legally blind hunters to use laser sights, or
lighted pointing instruments.
"This opens up the fun of
hunting to additional people, and I think that's great," said Republican
Rep. Edmund Kuempel, the bill's sponsor.
Visually impaired people are allowed
to shoot now with the aid of a sighted person, he said, a requirement that
would continue if the sights were legalized.
"I've seen this on TV before,
when they're taking target practice," Kuempel said. "When they aim
the gun, the guide tells them, aim two inches higher or two inches lower and
you're on the target, and you're off and running."
Under existing law, the use of laser
sights, spotlights and headlights is strictly prohibited in all Texas hunting.
The practice can have the effect of making animals stand still as the light
shines on them. Hunters using sights under the proposed legislation would have
to carry proof that they are legally blind.
**********
Gambia gives ex-presidents free
holidays for life
BANJUL (Reuters) - The parliament of
Gambia, one of the world's poorest countries, passed a law on Wednesday to give
former presidents free foreign holidays, cars and personal staff for life after
they leave office.
The bill entitles ex-leaders of the West African nation to have three cars with
drivers and fuel, holidays abroad each year, personal secretaries and 1 million
CFA francs (1,000 pounds) a month, courtesy of the state.
Gambia's current president Yahya
Jammeh, an authoritarian former coup leader, won a third term of office in
September. A bird lover who often carries a ceremonial sword, Jammeh has said
he wants to rule the former British protectorate -- where 60 percent of people
live on less than $1 (50 pence) a day -- for another three decades.
It was not immediately clear whether
presidents overthrown in a coup would enjoy the benefits of the new law.
**********
March 10, 2007
Diamond found in drain at prison
housing man accused of stealing it
ORANGE, Calif. (AP) - A $25,000
diamond was found stuck in a shower drain at the prison housing the man accused
of stealing it two years ago.
Bret Allen Langford, 39, allegedly
asked the owner of a Jewelry Express store to show him a 2-carat colourless
diamond in April 2005. Langford then grabbed the diamond and sped away, said
sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.
Langford was arrested shortly after
but the police did not retrieve the diamond. Langford was charged with
commercial burglary and, after several transfers, ended up at Theo Lacy Branch
Jail in Orange, where he awaited trial.
This week, an investigator
representing Langford told jail officials to search the jailhouse drains if
they wanted to find the diamond. Officials discovered the rock wedged in a
screen beneath one of the facility's shower stalls.
Authorities said Langford told them
he stole the diamond and swallowed and regurgitated the rock each time he was
transferred. But 14 months ago, just as Langford was about to be searched he
threw the diamond into a shower stall and it fell down the drain.
Langford's trial is set to begin May
7 and the diamond is expected to be a featured piece of evidence.
Then it will be cleaned and returned
to the store.
***********
10ft snake caught in posh flats
A 10ft boa constrictor has been
captured after popping up in the loos of a posh block of flats in Manchester.
The snake had terrified tenants
since it was first spotted in a toilet last week, reports the Mirror.
It's believed to have been living in
sewage pipes for three months after being abandoned by an evicted tenant three
months ago.
People had to put bricks on their
loo seats to stop the snake, which has been named Keith, slipping into their
bathrooms.
Firemen were called in to try to
track him down in the pipework but a brave resident of the West Didsbury flats
finally trapped him in a bucket.
Keith is now in the care of the
RSPCA.
Spokesman Jimmy Ratcliff, an expert
on exotic animals, said: "They can swim very well and can hold their
breath for more than 20 minutes - though what is out of the ordinary is the
size of this snake.
"It has probably been eating
rats in the sewer, where it appears to have been living quite happily."