Subject: Daily Dose - 070425 - George's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of
George again...
***
God Said, Adam I Want you to do
Something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what
do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that
valley."
Adam said, "What's a
valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the
river."
Adam said, "What's a
river?" !
God explained that to him, and then
said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a
hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a
hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other
side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a
cave?"
After God explained, he said,
"In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a
woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to
reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do
that?"
God first said (under his breath),
"Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else,
God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was
back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said "What's a
headache?"
______________________________
Enough faith?
I was listening to a lady who called
a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that
calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously
crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life.
I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that
if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me,
do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone
says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell
them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
______________________________
You might not have known this, but a
lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some
examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because
they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female,
because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an
effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also
wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they
go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male
object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under
their ass.
SPONGES: These are female, because
they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're
constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because
they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female
because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last
5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have
around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You
probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man
pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which
buttons to push, he just keeps trying
_______________________________
Reviews of Hillary's New Book
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page
memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the
end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern."
- Craig Kilborn
In Hillary Clinton's new book
'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton,
falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful
life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
- Jay Leno
"In the book she says when Bill
told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was
gulping for air.' No, wait, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior
senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever
running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill
Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of
becoming a two-impeachment family."
- David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary
Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington . People said it
was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even
the furniture was the same."
- Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is
attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon
dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of
habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."
- Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton
is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and
successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away
with It."
- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior
senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the
Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments."
-David Letterman
______________________________
Car Insurance Company accident
statistics reveal that 20% of all accidents are caused by drunken drivers; so
it follows logically that 80% involve sober drivers.
Shouldn't we get the sober drivers
off the road so that we drinkers can get home safely?
***
To all you OWLS (Older Wiser
Laughing Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa......
Whether a man winds up with a nest
egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts
when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better,
or for worse, but not for good.
______________________________
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were Swimming
Around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that Patrolled
the area.
Finally one day Justin said to
Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at Being a prawn. I wish I was a
shark then I wouldn't have any worries about Being eaten."
As Justin had his mind firmly on
becoming a predator, a mysterious cod Appears and says, "Your wish is
granted," and lo and behold, Justin Turned Into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately
swam away, afraid of being Eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it inevitably
does.....) and Justin found himself Becoming Bored and lonely as a shark. All
his old mates simply swam away Whenever He Came close to them. Justin didn't
realise that his new menacing Appearance Was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he
sees the mysterious cod again and can't Believe his luck. Justin thought that
maybe the fish could change him back Into a prawn. He begs the cod to change
him back so, lo and behold, he is Back as a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little
eyes, Justin swam Back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The
punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse!)
Looking around the gathering at the
reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that
his best friend changed sides to the enemy And became a shark", came the
reply.
Eager to put things right again and
end the mutual pain and torture, he set Off to Christian's house. As he opened
the coral gate the memories came Flooding back. He banged on the door and
shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me
again."
Christian replied, "No way man,
you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy And I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm
not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I found Cod, I'm a prawn again
Christian".
**********
A little paper bag was feeling
unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too
good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me,"
said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come
back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better
when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?"
asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV
positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a
little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having
unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"No, I can't do things like
that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing
needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like
that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor,
"are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do
things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one
explanation." said the doctor
"Your mother must have been a
carrier"
**********
Lady Godiva rides again
Early risers have been startled by
the sight of a naked woman riding a white horse through a city centre's
streets.
The stunt, in historic Oxford, was
the climactic scene of a new film of the Lady Godiva legend, reports the Sun
Online.
The new film, a romantic comedy
written by 20-year-old Vicky Jewson, is a very modern re-telling of the legend
with nods to British hits Notting Hill and Bridget Jones.
Flame-haired actress Phoebe Thomas
wore nothing but nothing but a flesh-coloured thong and tights for the scene on
Oxford's Magdalen Bridge.
Ms Jewson, who ditched university to
concentrate on film-making said she was relieved to get the shot in the bag in
just three takes.
"Without this scene, we
wouldn't have a film," she said. "It simply couldn't be filmed
anywhere else, as there is no body double for the dreaming spires of Oxford.
"So I had no choice but to get
everyone up long before dawn, stop the traffic every few minutes and do it in
as few takes as possible."