Subject: Daily Dose - 070423 - KKK, True Stella Awards, Swine Flu ALERT,
DDL, Rotten News
KKK
The southern preacher rose with a
red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong
to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you
not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember,
you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead"
gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her
head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a
terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.
______________________________
True Stella Awards (frivolous and
ridiculous American law suits)
AN EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE
by Randy Cassingham
James and Linda Huegel built a new house
in 1993. The house sat directly on top of the border between Clermont County
and Hamilton County, Ohio. They weren't sure which county their children should
go to school in, so they asked the Ohio Department of Education which one they
should go to. It wasn't an obvious question: because their house straddled the
county line, they got two property tax bills, and both included school taxes.
"The Ohio Department of
Education told us we could attend either school district, because we were
paying taxes in both," James Huegel said. The Huegels chose the Forest
Hills School District, and their two children attended schools in the district
from 1993 to 1999.
But in 2000, the school district
sued the Huegels: the district alleged that they did not actually live within
the school district boundary, and were thus required to pay out-of-district
tuition. The total: $35,485.
Good news quickly followed: the
Clermont County Common Pleas Court said the school district could not sue until
the Ohio Department of Education ruled on the case. But that's fine, right?
They had already told the Huegels they could attend school in either district!
But no, they had to wait for a formal ruling. The school district didn't want
to wait: they appealed the decision to the Ohio Court of Appeals; that court
upheld the trial court's decision: they had to wait. They appealed to the Ohio
Supreme Court; it refused to hear the case.
Everything looked good for the
Huegels. At least, until the state Department of Education finally got around
to making their ruling: it found that the Hugels' house was not in the Forest
Hills district boundary, even though every other house on their street was. The
school reinstated their lawsuit.
"The bottom line is that Forest
Hills is required by law to collect tuition for the unauthorized
attendance," says Bronston McCord, the school district's attorney.
The Huegels did everything right:
they asked the state to rule on exactly which school their kids could go to;
they paid taxes to two different school districts. They relied on the state to
tell them what to do, and now they are being asked to pay for the
"free" education their children were entitled to, what their taxes
already helped pay for.
James Huegel says the school
district should take more responsibility. "They have some responsibility
in this also to know what property is in their district or what property they
believe is in their district," he said. "It's not like we gave them a
phony address."
The Huegels relied on the Department
of Education, which simply changed its mind after the fact, leaving the family
on the hook for a huge bill that they have already paid through their taxes.
That's not the sort of education any of us should have to expect.
******
THE ESCAPIST MENTALITY
by Randy Cassingham
Scott Bolton had bad luck in cell
mates. Accused of stealing several all-terrain vehicles, Bolton was awaiting
trial at the Luzerne County Correctional Facility in Pennsylvania in October
2003. His cell mate, Hugo Selenski, was awaiting trial on homicide charges --
the sort of charge any inmate would want to escape from.
And Selenski did just that, climbing
down a rope fashioned of sheets tied together. Selenski, Bolton claims, beat
him to near unconsciousness in order to stuff his body through the cell block
window. That, Bolton says, caused him to fall several storeys to the ground,
leaving him comatose for several weeks, confined to a wheelchair for life, and
with damage to his brain, spinal cord, nerves and internal organs.
Bolton was found and rushed to the
hospital by air ambulance, and he survived. Selenski escaped, but turned
himself in three days later.
Bolton filed suit over the escape
attempt in U.S. District Court -- for "civil rights" violations. His
suit names Selenski as the primary defendant, but murder suspects aren't
exactly typically flush with cash. So the suit also names Warden Gene Fischi
and Deputy Warden Rowland Roberts, eight guards, two County Prison Board
members, and three County Commissioners.
"You've got to be kidding
me," says Warden Fischi. "I guess it's like the old saying: If
someone robs your house and slips on a roller skate going out, they're going to
sue you."
Fischi paints a very different
portrait of what happened. He says Bolton was a willing participant in the
escape, and was climbing down the makeshift rope when he lost his grip and
fell. And why did he lose his grip? Apparently Bolton wasn't moving fast enough
for his co-conspirator, so Selenski pushed him, another inmate says. (Tip:
always let the alleged murderer go first!)
The county commissioners are
particularly perplexed at being named in the suit, which Bolton filed without
the aid of an attorney.
"It's very hard to be
responsible for something that occurred three months before we took
office," says Commissioner Todd Vonderheid. "Somebody is incarcerated
because they broke the law, then agrees to be a party to an escape, then is
dumb enough to act as a human mattress for [Selenski], and they're not
responsible for their actions? It's repulsive. Is no one responsible for
themselves in this society?" Call it escapism from reality.
The amusing part of the whole case
is the basis for Bolton's lawsuit: he says his injuries are due to the prison
guards' failure to patrol the cell block, and therefore to discover that the
window to the cell Bolton and Selenski shared had been pried open, and only
that allowed Selenski to "viciously assault" him to "near
unconsciousness" and then push him from their cell window, as if anyone
trying to escape a murder rap would take the time to do that on his way out.
And, of course, those would be the
same "failures" the escapees had relied on to escape in the first
place. So he counts on these guards not to do their jobs to the letter, then
blames them when they behave as he expected and things turn sour.
His suit seeks a minimum of $1,000
for attorney fees (even though he doesn't have an attorney), plus payment of
all past and future medical bills, plus $10,000 in compensatory damages, plus
$25,000 in punitive damages, all court costs, plus "any and all other
relief" that the jury sees "fit, necessary or required."
Commissioner Vonderheid has
something to say about Bolton not using an attorney for his suit: "Maybe
if he hired a lawyer he would know who to sue." Maybe, but it's not likely
Bolton wants to sue the person who is actually responsible for the injuries he
sustained during his commission of a crime: himself.
Bolton, who has now been moved to a
state prison, has since initiated a second lawsuit against the Luzerne County
Correctional Facility in Luzerne County Court of Common Pleas, the details of
which are sketchy. It's also not clear whether he was charged in connection
with the botched escape. If not, perhaps we can expect yet another lawsuit for
that failure. As an inmate, he has all the time in the world to create problems
for other people; just because he's in prison -- or a wheelchair -- doesn't
mean he can't continue to find victims to taunt.
______________________________
Forget the Bird Flu, be on the
lookout for the Swine Flu...
Swine Flu ALERT!
Everyone should be aware that there
is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months.
Please be conscious of the indications that you or members of your family may
have contracted the Swine Flu Virus.
The symptoms associated with this
disease are:
1.) Sore throat
2.) Slight headache
3.) Moderate to high temperature
4.) Nausea or upset stomach
5.) Uncontrollable urge to screw in the mud
______________________________
DDL
At the orgy I humped twenty-two;
And was glad when the whole thing was through.
A whole night of sexing
Turns boring and vexing -
But at orgies, what else can you do?
______________________________
"The Westminster Dog Show
crowned a new champion. The name of the dog is James. He's a 6-year-old
Springer Spaniel. I'm not sure what a Springer Spaniel is... I think it's a
cross between a cocker spaniel and Jerry Springer."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"A new study says that obese
people can lose weight if they walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's
is introducing a new 12 mile long buffet."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"I know the country has been
mired in deficit spending and it's been terrible burden on the country in terms
of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They have raised the
limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the
kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go
out to K. Then your F looks like a C."
--Jon Stewart
***
Computers are like air conditioners.
They work fine until you start opening windows.
***
In the beginning the world was
without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'.
And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.
--Kevin Krisciunas
***
In an age when everyone seems to be
playing the name game of glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat department
at a grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round of applause.
On his weekly time card he describes
his position as "Meat Head”.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Animal sex proposal spurs call for
referendum
COPENHAGEN (Reuters) - Denmark's
Council for Animal Ethics said on Thursday there was no need to ban sex with
animals unless it took place in pornographic films or sex shows.
Only one of the 10 members of the
council, set up by the Danish Justice Ministry to establish and uphold animal
ethics, wants bestiality expressly forbidden. The others said current laws
provided enough animal protection, according to Danish news agency Ritzau.
A senior member of the right wing
Danish People's Party was shocked by the recommendation and said the subject
should be put to a referendum.
"Then there wouldn't be any
doubt about the result," Christian Hansen said. A Justice Ministry
spokesman was not available for comment.
**********
Blind pensioner sentenced to library
course
Fri Dec 1, 8:12 AM ET
ISTANBUL (Reuters) - A blind Turkish
pensioner has been sentenced to a 26-day reading and writing course at his
local public library after he failed to vote on time in an election for his
village cooperative, his son said on Friday.
A prosecutor in the province of
Kutahya in northwest Turkey sentenced Ismail Canseven, 73, to the education
course after he did not show up for the election of the cooperative's board of
directors in May, Isa Canseven told Reuters.
"What am I going to do in a
library? I can't see out of either of my eyes, and I can't read or write
anyway," Friday's edition of the Hurriyet newspaper quoted Ismail as
saying.
Isa Canseven, 42, said he would
appeal against the sentence served on his father. "My father can only find
the bathroom by holding on to a piece of string we've tied to the (bathroom)
wall," he said.
In Turkey, people are obliged by law
to vote in elections.
**********
These wives aren't desperate,
they're "toxic"
By Paul Majendie
Wed Mar 7, 10:03 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - They are
flirtatious, love to target older men, are weighed down with designer
accessories and within minutes of meeting a man want to know his bank balance.
Watch out! Toxic Wife Syndrome is
rampant and droves of gold diggers are prowling in search of rich prey to join
the tribe.
So says journalist Tara Winter
Wilson whose guide to spotting a potential toxic wife touched a raw nerve with
hordes of victims contacting her about the so-called syndrome.
Her warning is stark: "Unless
you marry an equal who is going to pay her own way, you will end up with a
lazy, indulgent, over-pampered slug."
"Marriage is being clouded by
Toxic Wife Syndrome. Ridiculous amounts of money keep being awarded to these
women in divorce settlements."
Winter Wilson, staggered by the
flood of heartfelt feedback she got after first naming the syndrome in a
lifestyle article for the Daily Telegraph newspaper, said: "Many women see
it as a career choice."
"After leaving university, they
stay on the party circuit until they trap someone. They try to get the most by
doing the least. They develop an extraordinary sense of entitlement, becoming
very judgmental and shrewish," she told Reuters.
She said she had hate mail from
women who accused her of being a misogynist who also betrayed feminism.
Stoutly defending her stand, Winter
Wilson argued: "The toxic wife is a complete disservice to women. It does
us no favours. Stay-at-home mothers should be applauded, not reviled. I think
the stigma of being at home and looking after children should be taken away.
The toxic wife thinks she is above it all. It makes me burn with anger."
She was prompted into print after a
young male banker approached her at a party and "whispered that I would be
doing a good service if I could write about the high maintenance wife
scenario."
The danger signals of a wife going
toxic are all too plain:
-- She gives up work to care for the
children and then sends them to boarding schools as soon as they outgrow their
nannies.
-- She demands wall-to-wall help
with a maid hired to work up to 14 hours a day six days a week.
-- Cooking and housework are
strictly out of bounds.
-- They have to live in a country
mansion, forcing the husband to commute daily to London.
"I have had feedback from
readers around the world recognising the syndrome. In America, many people
wrote in about their toxic wives," she said.
So, does she practice what she
preaches?
"I married for love but sadly
am divorced. I pay my ex-husband one pound a year in alimony and he pays me one
pound. We have two children. I have them one week and he then has them one
week. They are unbelievably sane, happy and confident."
**********
Soap gives caffeine kick
Caffeinated soap has been launched
to help people who don't have the time for both a shower and a coffee in the
morning.
Manufacturers claim their Shower
Shock soap releases caffeine that is absorbed into the user's system and
provides the same hit as a two cups of coffee.
The soap is also infused with
peppermint and citrus scents so the user doesn't end up smelling of coffee,
reports the Guardian.
A shower gel is also on offer,
although the makers, Think Geek, warn that neither is recommended for pregnant
women or children because of the caffeine content.
Jennifer Kuropkat, of Think Geek,
said: "Every full body wash with the Shower Shock soap will provide the
equivalent of around two cups worth of coffee.
"The caffeine is absorbed
through the skin and into the bloodstream. It has exactly the same effect as if
you were drinking coffee. Your blood pressure and pulse rate will increase,
making your brain feel more alert and awake.
"The caffeine will then last in
your system for approximately four hours - the same as two cups of coffee. They
really are time-saves as you don't have to wait around for your coffee to brew
in the morning."
The 4oz bars of soap, available via
the internet, cost £3.50, and there is also a smaller travel version. The
Mountain Dew shower gel costs £6.50.