Subject: Daily Dose - 070422 - Not guilty, BIZARRE NEWS, 90 percent of Spam, DDL, Rotten News

A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

"Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically.

The prosecutor then approached the blonde and said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December last year you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100 mph through the centre of London in a blizzard and you were totally nude?"

The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said, "What was the date again?"

______________________________

BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Criminals

In September 1992, robbers in Las Vegas held up a van thought to contain gambling chips, only to find that it was carrying potato chips instead.

In 1998, a guard was caught smuggling a wad of money in his underpants out of a bank in Atlanta when a tiny security-dye capsule exploded, blowing a hole in his trousers.

In 1998, a would-be Texas grocery store robber went to the trouble of disguising his face with a balaclava but forgot to remove from his breast pocket a laminated badge which bore his name, place of employment and position within the company - an oversight spotted by at least a dozen witnesses.

A 1975 raid on the Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothesay degenerated into farce when, on the way in, the three would-be raiders got stuck in the bank's revolving doors and had to be helped free by the staff. Undeterred, they returned a few minutes later and announced that it was a robbery. The staff thought it was a practical joke and refused to pay up. While one of the men vaulted the counter and twisted his ankle on landing, the other two made their escape, only to get trapped in the revolving doors again.

***

Shop fined for selling maggoty sandwich

CARDIFF, Wales - A sandwich shop in Wales has been fined for serving a customer -- or former customer -- a sandwich wrap full of maggots.

Ross Howard told the South Wales Echo that the crawling chicken tikka wrap from the Sandwich Box in Cardiff has put him off wraps completely. "I took one bite and thought it wasn't great, but I continued to have another bite," Howard said. "That's when I just froze. I had a couple of maggots in my mouth. I thought 'oh no, this is really not good.' 'I just dropped it on the floor. It was a nightmare."

A co-worker at the Legal and General Assurance Society took the sandwich back to the shop and got a refund for Howard. Now, a court has fined the sandwich shop almost $500 for serving food unfit for consumption plus another $500 in costs, the Echo said. Howard says he would like an apology.

A lawyer for the shop's owner described the incident as a "one-off fluke." "This was an alien invasion which could not be explained," Paul Malekin told the newspaper.

***

Norwegian palace put up on eBay

OSLO, Norway - The Norwegian Royal Palace in Oslo went on the auction block this week for a brief time until it was pulled off eBay early Thursday as a hoax.

The last bid received for the stately pile in the center of the capital city was $99,999.99, the newspaper Aftenposten reported.

The posting on the auction site said that the palace could be moved to another country and that it was royals not included -- although it suggested that King Harald V and his family would want to stay with their house. Sven Gjeruldsen, a spokesman for the royal family, told the newspaper VG that he was unaware of the auction and had no comment.

King Harald, whose grandfather, King Haakon VII, was a Danish prince chosen king of Norway in 1905 in a national referendum, celebrated his 70th birthday last month. The palace was built in the early 19th century as the Oslo residence of the king of Sweden, which then ruled Norway.

***

Day at ballgame clears murder suspect

LOS ANGELES - A Los Angeles man with a good-as-gold TV alibi has been awarded $320,000 in a wrong-man murder charge.

Juan Catalan, 28, who spent five months in jail in the 2003 slaying of a 16-year-old Sun Valley girl, sued the L.A. City Council for police misconduct after his attorney produced irrefutable evidence he couldn't have done it.

Catalan had insisted he was innocent and that he was at a L.A. Dodgers game with his 6-year-old daughter at the time. Unable to find any trace of him in the game tape, attorney Todd Melnik learned the HBO comedy "Curb Your Enthusiasm" had been shooting at the ball park that day.

There, among the discarded, unused tape was Castalan eating a hot dog in the background.

Catalan was not a fan of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" before his time in jail, attorney Gary Casselman said. "He is now."

***

Movie inspires man to burn genitals

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. - A Wisconsin man was hospitalized with burns on his genitals and another man was in jail in what authorities say was a night of drinking and a stunt gone wrong.

Prosecutors said Jared Anderson, 20, and Randell Peterson, 43, were drinking and watching a movie when Anderson was inspired to light his genitals aflame, WEAU-TV reported.

"People that were there said that after he saw the movie he told people that he wanted to do this -- light his genitals and he proceeded to enlist Mr. Peterson's help in doing so," Eau Claire County Assistant District Attorney Mike Steuer said on WEAU.

A criminal complaint said Peterson sprayed Anderson's genitals with lighter fluid and tried to light it on fire. When that didn't work, they tried again. The second time, it worked but Anderson's hands and clothing also caught fire, WEAU reported.

Steur said Anderson claimed later he didn't want to be lit on fire and was attacked, WEAU reported.

______________________________

I was cleaning out my inbox from the long weekend when I realized that about 90 percent of Spam has something to do with the male erection. Make it bigger, make it harder, make it last longer, make it get hard over and over in a short period of time, increase the amount of splooge it shoots... For the love of Pete! Why isn't there any Spam for the female equivalent?

Why isn't somebody peddling something that makes the vagina a bit tighter, or wetter, or smell better, or something that puts those lips to good use and make it whistle, or do impressions or crack walnuts? Find some product that makes it do anything other than inactively waiting to be harpooned.

I have some good Spam subject lines that would work, too:

"Tighten Your Twat!" or "Moisten Your Moneymaker!" or "Smell Fresh with our New Eucalyptus Pussy Scrub...Good for Four Hours!" or "Coach Your Cunny!" or "Train Your Twat to do Tricks!" (I know I used Twat twice...I like it.)

I'm not trying to increase the gulf between men and women. I'm just saying that if for now we haven't figured out how to stop Spam from making its way to our inbox, then let's at least have equal representation of sexual dysfunctions.

______________________________

DDL

There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who used to take cocks without picken' 'em.
She'd kneel on the sod,
And pray to her God
To lengthen & strengthen & thicken 'em.

______________________________

"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much rhymes with Obama."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"Today's the anniversary of the microwave oven. Forty years ago they developed the microwave oven. Or as Kirstie Allie calls it, the world's longest 30-second wait."
--Dave Letterman

***

"I got some details on Lindsay Lohan's rehab facilities. They have an onsite gourmet chef, personal trainers, beauty consultants, swimming pools, yoga, meditation... but you're only allowed to leave to go to work, parties, weddings, and Lake Havasu for spring break. I was planning to take a trip to Cabo San Lucas this summer, but now, I'm thinking maybe I'll become an alcoholic instead."
--Jimmy Kimmel

***

"I'd never run for president. I've thought about it, and the only reason I'm not is that I'm scared no woman would come forward and say she had an affair with me."
--Garry Shandling

***

"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money."
--George Carlin

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

November 28, 2006 

Nude 'pothole' calendar creative, but won't help get Saskatchewan roads fixed

By JENNIFER GRAHAM

REGINA (CP) - They're an unlikely group of calendar centrefolds - one owns a pharmacy and another a grocery store - but these pinups have come together to raise awareness about a pressing issue: potholes.

Eleven men and one woman from Leader, Sask., have bared all in the 2007 Highway 32 Pothole Calendar. One man is pictured riding in a canoe in a pothole, another plants potatoes in a pothole and a third has a strategically placed hubcap. In the background a sign reads "Lost: Highway Paving Crew. Last seen 10 years ago."

It's a humorous approach to a serious problem, calendar organizer Gord Stueck said in a phone interview on Tuesday.

"Highway 32 from Leader to Swift Current was so bad . . . you were driving all over the road trying to avoid these potholes," said Stueck. It was so difficult to travel, Stueck said, that ambulances were forced to take alternate, longer routes. "You couldn't transport patients that were cardiac patients or fracture patients. You just couldn't transport a patient on that."

Saskatchewan Highways Minister Eldon Lautermilch said a nude calendar won't solve the problem.

"They're very creative people," Lautermilch told reporters after seeing the calendar at the provincial legislature. "But I don't think a calendar is going to rebuild a road. I think recommendation from my department in terms of priority will probably be a fairer gauge."

Lautermilch could not say when Highway 32 would be paved, only that the final determination will come in next spring's budget when the government announces its road program.

The calendar is the latest in a string of efforts the community has made in hopes the province will take action.

Earlier this year, it sold $5 bumper stickers that read: "I survived Sask Hwy 32."

The proceeds go to the Leader ambulance "because every time they went down that road, when they did go down it, something would break," said Stueck.

**********

29th Nov 2006 : Web Edition No: 12716 Editor-in-Chief: Ahmed Jarallah

‘Ours before other countries’ … MPs to press debt relief; Speaker adjourns no-show session 

KUWAIT CITY: “Down with the government and the Finance Minister” screamed hundreds of citizens who had gathered in the Abdullah Al-Salem Al-Sabah Hall at the National Assembly Monday demanding their consumer loans be written off. They carried placards which said “write off our loans rather than those of other countries,” and “Freedom Square.”

Earlier, the citizens cheered and booed the each MP according to his stance on this important issue. Inviting the whole country to attend the session on Dec 4, MP Mohamed Al-Khalifa said “we promise your demands will be met.” MP Talal Al-Ayyar declared a “war on the government” saying “we will remain committed to the citizens and this issue to the end.” Expressing his surprise at the government’s keenness in writing off the loans of other countries while neglecting the demands of its own citizens, MP Khalaf Dumaither Al-Enezi said “this issue will be settled in the interest of citizens in the session on Monday.”

MP Hussein Mazed assured the audience MPs will pursue this issue, saying “such a huge gathering of citizens reflects the urgency for finding a solution to this problem.” While fighting against the wishes of its citizens, the government is rushing to lift the financial burden of other countries, he said.

MP Abdullah Al-Fahma said “while the government encourages sucking the blood of citizens, the Finance Minister is using counterfeit data to make false claims.” On the Islamic Constitutional Movement’s stance, MP Khodair Al-Enezi said “we are not opposed to the interests of citizens.” He accused the government of ignoring its duties, saying “Al-Humaidhi’s credibility is in doubt, especially after his statement that Kuwait will suffer financially if the consumer loans are written off.”

By Dahlia Kholaif - Arab Times Staff 

29th Nov 2006

(Shame on the Kuwaiti Government...  Don't they realize the burden on their citizens the payments on new S-Class Mercedes inflict on the average family cash flow ???....)

**********

Three Little Pigs win reprieve

The Three Little Pigs have earned a reprieve after they were ditched from a children's show to avoid offending Muslims.

Organisers of the Kirklees Primary Music Festival changed the traditional tale to Three Little Puppies, reports the Telegraph. But local councillors have now stepped in to reverse the decision which they said was well-intentioned but wrong.

Children from Honley Church of England Junior School in Huddersfield are to perform Roald Dahl's version of Little Red Riding Hood, which features the pigs, at the Town Hall.

Festival organisers were concerned the Three Little Pigs could offend Muslim children taking part, or their parents.

There had been no complaints about the festival, which will feature hundreds of children from 63 schools in Kirklees in June.

Jim Dodds, the council's Cabinet member for children's services, said the decision to change the wording was a "mistake".

Gill Goodswen, one of the organisers of the festival, had said: "We have to be sensitive if we want to be multi-cultural. It was felt it would be more responsible not to use the three little pigs."

***********

Monster Smart Car

A Smart Car with monster tyres and four wheel drive has been developed for hardcore offroad use.

The 'Forfun' has the body of a normal Smart Fortwo mounted on an all-terrain Mercedes-Benz Unimog 406 series.

Greek 4x4 Rally Champion, Stefan Attart, joined forces with Mercedes-Benz Greece, to design and develop the one-off vehicle.

It has a six-cylinder diesel engine with a capacity of 5,675 cc delivering 84 bhp - more than twice as powerful as the standard model.

The Forfun also features ground clearance of more than 2ft, eye popping tyres on 26 inch rims, and a towering 12ft height.

Attart also added oversized wheels, an aluminium safety cage, and special shock absorbers with manually controlled air suspension.