Subject: Daily Dose - 070421 - lousy cheat, THIS is TRUE, psychiatrist,
DDL, Rotten News
A barber runs out of his shop and
down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer,"
he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No I haven't. What's the
problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my
shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any
distinguishing features?" the officer asks.
"Well, yes," the barber
replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
SHE SWEARS SHE'S NOT FULL OF CRAP:
In the run-up to city elections in Chicago, Ill., FBI agents raided Alderman
Arenda Troutman's home and office and confiscated white powder -- narcotics was
the obvious implication. No, the powder is dietary fiber she uses to clean out
her colon, Troutman announced. She said the agents surely knew that, but were
withholding the news that the powder was psyllium in an attempt to smear her.
"It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that these people on the spot
can tell you if it's a drug substance," she complained. In separate cases,
Troutman has been charged with taking bribes, and also accuses someone of using
her office stationery to write a letter of support for a housing project she
decided to oppose since it was promoted by her opponent in the election. "I
did not sign that letter of support," she said. "A lot of weird
things have been happening to me lately. This just makes it even more
weirder." Troutman lost her re-election bid. (Chicago Sun-Times)
...Which means voters aren't always as stupid as politicians hope.
***
ALMOST INEVITABLE: "I'm
extremely shocked," said police chief Johnny Morgan of one of his
officers. "James has always been an excellent officer." But indeed
James Kenneth Kirkley, 41, a 15-year veteran, was arrested by his own
department on four charges of soliciting the services of prostitutes. He has
resigned -- from South Carolina's Horry County Police Department. (Myrtle Beach
Sun News)
...The clearest case of entrapment I've seen in years.
***
ALMOST INEVITABLE TOO: Robert Case,
47, complained to the Essex Region Conservation Authority for three years about
a large tree stump in Lake St. Clair near his home in Belle River, Ont.,
Canada. He said it was dangerous to snowmobilers, but the ERCA did nothing
since "the beds of the Great Lakes are the responsibility of the
provincial government," said a spokesman. Case was snowmobiling on the
frozen lake bed at 70 kph (44 mph) when he struck the stump and was
"ejected from the snowmobile quite a distance," a police spokesman
said, killing him instantly. "We asked them to come out. Paint it orange.
Do anything," said Case's wife, Grace. She is considering suing the ERCA,
noting her husband "knew what he was doing. He wasn't stupid." (Windsor
Star)
...She has her opinion, other people have theirs.
***
IMPLEMENT PLAN B: The Frazier Park
Lake near Ulysses, Kansas, has been dry for at least 20 years, so the city
planned a $735,000 project to fill it by using the lake bed to hold its
wastewater, rather than use nearly the same amount of money to refurbish the
plant's evaporation ponds. There's only one problem: an unusually snowy winter
has filled the lake with water. The city therefore plans to drain the lake so
the project can proceed. (Garden City Telegram)
...Nothing new: for years, governments have emptied their bank accounts to make
room for tax increases.
***
IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER: "Cloned
Beef -- the Other Red Meat"
-- Chicago Tribune headline
______________________________
A distraught young man made an
appointment with a psychiatrist.
"I was out of town on
business," he told the doctor," and I wired my wife that I would be
coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight
home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best
friend!"
The man then broke down into
uncontrollable tears.
The doctor considered the problem
for a couple of moments then said, "Maybe she never got your
telegram."
______________________________
DDL
A pervy young fellow named Wayne
Had a monkey he kept on a swing
He stuck in his dick,
(Thought the monkey would lick)
But the monkey just laughed at his thing.
______________________________
"Everyone's talking about Al
Gore winning the Oscar for his global warming movie. Did you see him on the
Oscars? It doesn't look like he's trying to save the planet, it looks like he's
trying to eat the planet."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"Congratulations to Al Gore.
His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. Al Gore
announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green
theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme...money and
envy."
--Jay Leno
***
"Angelina Jolie is in the news.
Angelina Jolie is joining the prestigious Council on Foreign Relations. In a
related story, Kofi Annan will be playing Laura Croft in Tomb Raider 3."
--Conan O'Brien
***
A good plan today is better than a
perfect plan tomorrow.
- General George S. Patton
***
A mistake is evidence that someone
has tried to do something...
Someone who never makes any mistakes has never tried to do anything at all.
***
APOLOGIZE, v.i.
To lay the foundation for a future offence
-The Devils dictionary
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Excuses For Missing Work Getting
Wackier
POSTED: 1:06 pm EST November 27,
2006
'Fess up -- have you ever called in
sick when you're feeling fine? If so, you're in good company.
A new survey by CareerBuilder.com
finds 32 percent of workers have done just that in the last year. Senior career
adviser Jennifer Sullivan said many people are using sick days as "mental
health days" to catch up on sleep or simply relax.
One in 10 admitted to doing so three
times or more in the last year.
According to Sullivan, many
employers are honoring that. But she warned that using sick days as vacation
days can get you in trouble, especially if a colleague spots you.
And while some employers said they
typically don't question excuses given, others were more skeptical.
Twenty-seven percent of hiring managers reported they have fired a worker for
calling in sick without a legitimate reason.
And for those who told the teacher,
"My dog ate my homework," it turns out there are grown-up versions.
Employers have heard plenty of unusual excuses for not coming to work,
including one guy claiming his mother-in-law poisoned him, or the fellow who
said he broke his leg snowboarding off the roof while drunk.
The most popular motivator for
missing work was the need to relax, according to nearly half (48 percent) of
workers. Twenty-four percent of workers pointed to the desire to catch up on
sleep while 20 percent cited personal errands. Other top reasons included
doctors appointments (17 percent), plans with family and friends (16 percent)
and housework (16 percent).
"Although an improvement from
last year, the amount of unexcused absences from the office is significant and
can be indicative of employee dissatisfaction," said Rosemary Haefner,
Vice President of Human Resources at CareerBuilder.com. "Forty-five
percent of hiring managers have caught an employee calling in sick with a fake
excuse. This begs two questions: do you have the right employees working for
your organization and do you have the right employee management practices in
place for your staff?"
One in four workers said they
consider their sick days to be equivalent to vacation days and treat them as
such.
Comparing genders, women were more
likely to take a sick day when they were feeling fine. Thirty-seven percent of
women called in sick with bogus explanations compared to 26 percent of men, the
survey said. On the employer side, men were more likely to terminate an
employee for an unexcused sick day, CareerBuilder reported. Thirty-five percent
of men said they have fired an employee for calling in sick with a fake excuse
compared to 15 percent of women.
Workers who are chronic offenders
may be running out of ideas. Forty-one percent of hiring managers said they
have received unusual or suspicious sick day alibis. Sixty-two percent did not
believe them, according to the survey. When asked to share the most unusual
excuses employees gave for missing work, hiring managers offered the following
examples:
1) Employee was poisoned by his
mother-in-law.
2) A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every
time she tried to go to her car from her house.
3) Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
4) Employee called from his cell phone, said he was accidentally locked in a
restroom stall and no one was around to let him out.
5) Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk.
6) Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of
chores to do around the house.
7) One of the walls in the employee's home fell off the night before.
8) Employee's mother was in jail.
9) A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
10) Employee had bad hiccups.
11) Employee blew his nose so hard, his back went out.
12) Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.
13) Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
14) Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.
15) Employee was sad.
The survey was completed in
September 2006 and included 1,650 workers and 1,150 hiring managers nationwide.
**********
Tuesday, 28 November 2006, 09:58
GMT
'Pregnant' man fined in SA
court
A South African man has been fined
$140 for taking a week off work, telling his employers he was pregnant.
Charles Sibindana, 27, stole a
certificate from a clinic during his pregnant girlfriend's checkup, a court
near Johannesburg heard.
He then added his own details to the
note and submitted it and took seven days off work, seemingly unaware that only
women consult gynaecologists.
His employers became suspicious and
investigated the matter.
On passing sentence Magistrate Bruno
Van Eeden warned Mr Sibindana "not to walk around faking sick letters from
gynaecologists" as if he was pregnant, the South African Press Association
news agency reported.
**********
March 9, 2007
Contenders for oddest book title
announced
LONDON (AP) - "How Green Were
the Nazis?" could be the title to beat this year for the
Bookseller/Diagram Prize for oddest book title, with the contenders announced
Friday.
The book - by Thomas Zeller,
Franz-Josef Bruggemeier and Mark Cioc - is billed as the first to examine the
environmental policies of the Third Reich. It is published by Ohio University
Press.
Other nominees:
"The Stray Shopping Carts of
Eastern North America: a guide to field identification," by Julian
Montague (published by Harry N. Abrams)
"Tattooed Mountain Women and
Spoon Boxes of Daghestan," by Robert Chenciner, Gabib Ismailov,
Magomedkhan Magomedkhanov and Alex Binnie (Bennett & Bloom)
"Di Mascio's Delicious Ice
Cream, Di Mascio of Coventry, an Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting
and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans," by Roger De Boer, Harvey Francis
Pitcher, and Alan Wilkinson (Past Masters)
"Proceedings of the Eighteenth
International Seaweed Symposium" (Kluwer)
"Better Never To Have Been: the
Harm of Coming Into Existence," by David Benatar (Clarendon Press).
Last year's winner was "People
Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting
Bystanders and What to Do About It," by Gary Leon Hill (Red Wheel)
**********
Ultimate iPod accessory?
A US firm has invented a new iPod
accessory which combines the portable music player with a toilet roll holder.
Manufacturers say the iCarta is
designed to "enhance your experience in the smallest room", reports
the Daily Mail.
The gadget, which costs around £50,
merges an iPod docking station with a loo roll dispenser.
The device delivers high-quality
sounds from moisture-resistant speakers, according to the manufacturer Atech
Flash Technology.
It also re-charges the iPod while
playing songs - either pre-programmed or a random selection.
One website which reviews the latest
technology described the iCarta as "one of the stranger iPod accessories
we've ever seen".