Subject: Daily Dose - 070417 - first Jewish woman President, THIS is TRUE, Japanese bowing, DDL, Rotten News

The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony!"

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food."

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come, Mama."

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."

______________________________

THIS is TRUE...

THE BUNNY'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED: A list of about 300 people's names was found in a trash can at Sequatchie County High School in Dunlap, Tenn. The list, which included President Bush, Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey, and the Energizer Bunny, was traced to six girls, and when school officials looked at their Myspace page they found the word "kill". They called police. "Even though this list of names is not titled a 'hit list'," declared Dunlap Police Chief Clint Huth, "we are approaching this investigation" as if it was. The girls were charged with conspiracy to commit homicide even though "we have not found anything to feel like there was an imminent threat to anybody," Huth said, and none of the girls "were in possession of any weapons or anything like that." But, he said, "most school shootings" start with such a list, "and then progresses over weeks or months." (AP)
...Which is awfully hard to do when the list has been trashed.

***

ZERO TOLERANCE IN REAL LIFE, MISSISSIPPI EDITION: Security guard and bail bondsman George Stevenson, 33, saw an apparent burglar at an apartment complex in Pascagoula, Miss., and gave chase -- into a nearby elementary school. Stevenson chased the suspect through the school's halls and, when he saw a school security guard, asked her to call police. The school did call police -- demanding they arrest Stevenson because he was carrying a licensed gun. Stevenson was charged with possession of a firearm at a school, a felony, and jailed without bond. If he is convicted he will lose his licenses, killing his career. The alleged burglar, Steven McCuller, 20, was charged with possession of a knife at a school, a misdemeanor, and was released despite already being out on bond for a previous aggravated assault charge. Within days he was arrested again at the scene of yet another burglary. (Pascagoula Mississippi Press)
...School officials are investigating reports that the police officers who responded to make the arrests were also armed.

***

ZERO TOLERANCE, ZERO THOUGHT: Casey Harmeier, 10, a student at Beckendorf Intermediate School in Tomball, Texas, responded to a "dare" by another student to open the cover on a fire alarm pull switch. Everyone agrees that he didn't intend to actually pull the alarm -- and he didn't. But opening the cover set off a horn designed to scare children against pulling the alarm, and when that went off an adult rushed over to silence it -- and accidentally pulled the fire alarm. Principal Dolores Guidry called police, who hauled the boy away without notifying his parents. He was charged with setting a false alarm -- a felony. When it became clear what really happened, the principal told prosecutors they were overreacting. The district's assistant superintendent also asked that charges be dismissed. But prosecutors refuse, instead thinking that reducing it to a misdemeanor is sufficient. (Houston Chronicle)
...In their quest to save face, prosecutors are willing to sacrifice a child. How proud their ethics professors must be.

***

NOT LOVIN' IT: For more than 45 years, McDonald's Filet-o-Fish sandwich has been a best seller. Invented by Lou Groen, who operated a McD's outlet in Cincinnati, Ohio, it provided a non-meat meal for Catholics on Fridays, when they didn't eat meat. Ray Kroc, who founded the chain, had invented a competing sandwich. "He called his sandwich the Hula Burger," Groen said. "It was a cold bun and a slice of pineapple and that was it." They had a bet: whichever sandwich sold better during a test run would be added to the menu chain-wide. "I won hands down," Groen said. And now it sells more than 300 million per year -- which brings Groen "not a penny" beyond what he made selling the sandwich at his own outlets, he said. "Lou exemplified Ray Kroc's philosophy," a McDonald's spokesman said, "that you can succeed if you believe in your brand, treat your people right and give back to your community." (Cincinnati Enquirer)
...Two out of three ain't bad.

***

FICTIONAL CHARACTER IMMORTALIZED THROUGH VERBIFICATION: "Man Charged for Trying to MacGyver Propane Tank to Car Engine"
-- London (Ont., Canada) Free Press headline

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Japanese bowing carries different meanings at different angles.

- A bow at an angle of five degrees means "Good day"

- A bow at an angle of fifteen degrees is also a common salutation, a bit more formal it means "Good morning"

- A bow at an angle of thirty degrees is a respectful bow to indicate appreciation for a kind gesture.

- A bow at a forty-five-degree angle is used to convey deep respect or an apology.

- A bow at a ninety-degree angle with a slight wiggle means you are a f*ckin' homo.

______________________________

DDL

There was a young girl who begat'
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.

______________________________

"It is Dakota Fanning's birthday today! Wee Dakota, she's 13 today! Thirteen! Which is 52 in Hollywood years."
-Craig Ferguson

***

"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'"
--Thomas Friedman

***

"Jet Blue has apologized now for stranding thousands of passengers and today, Jet Blue's president introduced a passenger bill of rights. First on the list is 'You have the right to fly Delta and United.'"
-Conan O'Brien

***

"This week marks the beginning of the Chinese year of the pig. So, guys, this is our year!"
--Jay Leno

***

"There's an asteroid heading toward the earth and we're all going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there's a 1 in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036. Now an asteroid is a giant rock. It's headed toward the earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn't send scissors; that would be impractical."
-Craig Ferguson

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Police tell bungling crook to get a new career

Mon Nov 27, 9:53 AM ET

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Irish police have told a man dubbed Ireland's dumbest crook to give up his disastrous criminal career before it gets the better of him.

The unnamed man in his 30s has been arrested three times and each heist has brought him closer to the hereafter.

Police took the man into custody and to the hospital at the weekend after he was hit by a lorry while making a getaway from a betting shop robbery, the Irish Sun reported.

He has also been plucked from a chimney where he became stuck while trying to burgle a house, and from the ceiling of a bank where he was pinned by a security device. When they arrived at the bank he was dangling by one leg and stuffing cash into his underpants.

"Go straight before you kill yourself," the Sun quoted Dublin police as having told him.

Dublin police declined to confirm the report.

**********

November 27, 2006 

Researchers show Mom's advice to 'sit up straight' to blame for aching backs

TORONTO (CP) - If your back aches, blame it on your mother.

Scottish radiologists presented research at a radiological society meeting in Chicago showing that Mom's repeated exhortation to "sit up straight" was actually bad advice. They used a special MRI or magnetic resonance imaging scanner to look at the pressure placed on the spine various seating positions.

The scans showed that sitting at a 90-degree angle puts unnecessary pressure on the back, which causes back pain. The most natural or neutral position was actually a 135-degree angle, with the back in a slight recline.

Author Dr. Waseem Bashir, who's on a fellowship at the University of Alberta Hospital, says humans weren't designed to sit for long hours but sitting at a 135-degree angle can prevent lower back problems.

Pat McKee, a professor of occupational therapy at the University of Toronto, agrees with the findings.

**********

Online confessions for lazy Catholics

A Polish man is in trouble for offering an online confessional for Catholics who can't be bothered with church.

Borys Cezar, 37, set up the website which welcomed visitors with the words: "Welcome to the virtual confessional."

It continued: "Now write down your sins against Lord God. Do you regret your sins?" (yes/no) Do you intend to correct them? (yes/no); now click on next.

"We are connecting you with the Lord God, please wait... Your sins are being transferred, please wait... Congratulations, your sins have been forgiven."

Cezar is facing a heavy fine or jail for offending religious feelings and his website has been closed down.

He said: "I'm a Catholic myself. I go to confession like anyone else. I didn't want to offend anyone."

*********

Finnish MP seeks votes in Klingon

Fri Mar 9, 9:51 AM ET

HELSINKI (Reuters) - A Finnish member of parliament is aiming for re-election by campaigning with a translation of his Web site into Klingon, used in the TV series Star Trek.

"Some have thought it is blasphemy to mix politics and Klingon," said Jyrki Kasvi, an ardent Trekkie. "Others say it is good if politicians can laugh at themselves."

He said his politics posed some translation difficulties, since Klingon does not have words for matters such as tolerance, or for many colours, including green -- the party under whose banner he is running in the national elections on March 18.

Non-warriors can also access the site, www.kasvi.org, in English, Swedish and Finnish.

************

Man copies sword swallowing routine

A drunk man had to be rushed to hospital after trying to perform a sword swallowing routine.

Serb Ratko Dankovic, 23, had been drinking Rakia with mates while watching a magician perform a sword swallowing trick on the television.

They then started arguing over how the trick was done, and when Dankovic told mates that sword swallowing was easy and anyone could do it - they challenged him to prove it.

But he had to be rushed to the local hospital after swallowing a knife with an eight inch blade, eight nails, two spoons and a couple of clothes pegs to win the ten pound bet.

His friend Aleksander Tadic, 25, said: "He stood in the corner of the room and was holding this stuff above his head and swallowing it with his head tilted back, and we all thought it was just part of the act. We had no idea he was really swallowing it. He must have been really drunk to have managed to get it down his throat without gagging. I can't believe he really swallowed all that junk - I thought he was just pretending and then hiding it in his pockets or something.

"We only realised there was something wrong when he collapsed and we checked to see where the knife and nails were hidden and could not find them. Then we realised he really had swallowed them."

Doctors at the city hospital in Uzice in southwest Serbia carried out an X-ray to locate the metal objects.

Dr Maja Gulan said: "He was lucky. His stomach or intestines were not significantly injured. It could have been very different. Doctors successfully removed all the items in a five-hour operation."

Dankovic who is still being kept in hospital, said: "I don't remember a thing until I woke up here in hospital with a sore throat and 30 stitches on a cut on my abdomen. My girlfriend has told me she hopes they got everything out, we are planning to fly on holiday next month and she doesn't want me getting stopped by the airport metal detector."