Subject: Daily Dose - 070415 - lay an egg, Tongue-Tied, way children see things, DDL, Rotten News

After a night of drinking, Jack crept into bed beside his wife Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Jack, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I'm St. Peter."

Jack was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so much left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back right away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Jack was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later and he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Jack, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Jack.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Jack, wake up you drunken bastard! You're shitting all over the bed."

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Tongue-Tied... (Political Correctiveness gone mad)

Friday February 16, 2007

Use of ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ Too “Homophobic”, Scottish Nurses Told

By Gudrun Schultz

EDINBURGH, Scotland, February 16, 2007 (LifeSiteNews.com) - Nurses and other health care professionals should avoid using the terms ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ to refer to family relationships since the terms could be offensive to homosexual couples with children, a new directive published by Scotland’s National Health Service recommends.

Issued in conjunction with the country’s leading homosexual activist organization Stonewall Scotland, the publication is entitled Fair For All - The Wider Challenge: Good LGBT Practice in the NHS. Americans for Truth reported Feb.11 on the publication’s release.

The booklet calls for a “zero-tolerance policy to discriminatory language” among Scotland’s health care system. Included in discriminatory language is the use of terms that assume a traditional family structure of mother, father and children, according to the NHS directive.

“LGBT [Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered] people can and do have children, sexual orientation or gender identity has nothing to do with good parenting or good child care,” the booklet states.

“Individual circumstances lead to varied family structures and parenting arrangements. It is important to be aware of this. When talking to children, consider using ‘parents‘, ‘carers’ or ‘guardians’ rather than ‘mother’ or ‘father‘.

Along the same lines, the directive points out, use of the terms ‘husband’, ‘wife’ and ‘marriage’ is not acceptable since such terms exclude lesbian, gay and bisexual people. Instead, health care workers should use the terms ‘partners’ and ‘next of kin’. Since ‘next of kin’ is often understood to mean nearest blood relative, however, the booklet recommends that it may be preferable to use ‘partner, close friend or close relative’ to avoid confusion.

“This allows the patient to identify and choose who is important to them.”

Other recommendations include ensuring the health care environment is visually reassuring to LGBT people, with posters and magazines on LGBT issues on display.

“Posters with positive images of same-sex couples, alongside similar material depicting opposite-sex couples, should be displayed in all areas e.g. waiting areas, hospital wards.”

In order to better ensure the comfort and security of LGBT people in the health care environment, the NHS calls for sexual identity “monitoring forms” to be included in all registration procedures for both staff and patients. The booklet recommends five reply options to the question of sexual orientation, including ‘Lesbian‘, ‘Gay‘, ‘Bisexual‘, ‘Heterosexual‘, and ‘Other‘. Sections recording gender should be changed to have three reply options, ‘Male‘, ‘Female‘, or ‘Other, “where people can define their own gender.”

Among guidelines for implementing pro-LGBT policies in the health care system, the directive requires that management or team leader job descriptions include a mandatory commitment to combating any “discriminatory” language or attitudes among staff.

The booklet was funded by taxpayers through the NHS Education for Scotland, as part of the Equality and Diversity program.

(news tip http://americansfortruth.com/index.php )

***

Friday, 9 March 2007, 16:44 GMT

Grey shade too far for councillor

Land Rover has angered a Western Isles councillor after promoting a new colour called Stornoway Grey.

Angus Nicolson claimed the colour will damage the town's image among tourists and leave people with the impression that it was drab and dull.

The councillor has called on the car manufacturing giant to rename it Silvery Stornoway.

However, Land Rover said it was one of its strongest colours and that it will help "keep" Stornoway on the map.

Mr Nicolson said: "This is deeply insulting and is offensive, inaccurate and inherently degrading.

"This will hit tourism as it subliminally implants adverse connotations in the minds of those who have never experienced the reality of these beautiful islands."

A spokesman for Land Rover said Stornoway had replaced a previous colour scheme, Bonatti Grey.

He said: "Far from damaging tourism to the island the use of Stornoway Grey will help keep it on the map.

"Grey is an extremely popular colour in our range."

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The way children see things

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

***

DRESS- UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

***

NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

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DDL

There was a young girl of Peitou
Who almost never said "No!"
She met up with a Winger,
Took one look at his stinger,
And said, "I'd prefer your big toe."

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"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?'"
-Jay Leno

***

"Hugh Hefner is getting married. Hugh Hefner is 80 years old, and his bride to be is 27-year-old Holly Madison. Look at it this way: He's got everything a girl could want; he's rich, and he's famous, and he's nearly dead."
-Dave Letterman

***

"Krispy Kreme announced they're coming out with a low-fat, 180 calorie, whole wheat doughnut. They're calling this amazing whole wheat doughnut a bagel."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say one thing. It's nice to see young women stealing money without the help of divorce lawyers."
-Craig Ferguson

***

"Crazy day today. We had a car chase. We have a lot of car chases here in L.A. It's actually encouraged by police. They say, either pull over or run as fast as you can."
--Jimmy Kimmel

***

"The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal detector. The head of security said, 'We had to search Al Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.'"
--Conan O'Brien

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Rotten News....  (true)

Drunken bus driver asks to continue school run

Wed Nov 22, 9:21 AM ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A bus driver who was 13 times over the legal alcohol limit while driving a bus load of schoolchildren had a simple request for police who arrested him for drunken driving, an Australian court heard Wednesday.

"Can I finish my run, at least to drop these kids off?"

A country court in New South Wales state was told 50-year old David Stack had a blood alcohol level of 0.26, which is 13 times the legal limit for a bus driver, when he was stopped on November 7.

The court was told two adult passengers had alerted police after Stack's bus was speeding and swerving across the road.

Stack, who pleaded guilty to the drunk driving charge, said he regretted his actions and had apologized to the children on the bus at the time.

Now unemployed, Stack will be sentenced in February.

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November 23, 2006 

Turkish men on trial for insulting 'Turkishness'

ISTANBUL, Turkey (AP) - Two Turkish men who converted to Christianity went on trial Thursday for allegedly insulting "Turkishness," and of inciting religious hatred against Islam, the Anatolia news agency reported.

Hakan Tastan, 37, and Turan Topal, 46, are accused of making the insults and of inciting hate while allegedly trying to convert other Turks to Christianity.

The men were charged under Turkey's notorious Article 301, which has been used to bring charges against dozens of intellectuals - including Nobel prize-winning author Orhan Pamuk.

The law has widely been condemned for severely limiting free expression and European officials have demanded that Turkey change the law as part of its bid to join the European Union.

Prosecutors accused the two of allegedly telling possible converts that Islam was "a primitive and fabricated" religion and that Turks would remain "barbarians" as long they remained Muslims, Anatolia reported.

The prosecutors also accused them of speaking out against the country's compulsory military service, and compiling databases on possible converts.

Tastan and Topal, who could face up to nine years in prison, denied the accusations in court.

"I am a Turk, I am a Turkish citizen. I don't accept the accusations of insulting 'Turkishness,' " Anatolia quoted Tastan as telling the court. "I am a Christian, that's true. I explain the Bible ... to people who want to learn. I am innocent."

"I am a Turk, I am a Turkish citizen, it is impossible for me to insult 'Turkishness,"' echoed Topal, according to Anatolia.

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Ad campaign pokes fun at Indonesia police

Wed Mar 14, 2:57 AM ET

JAKARTA, Indonesia - Indonesian police sleeping on the job? Maybe, just don't tell the whole country about it.

Police are threatening to sue cigarette manufacturer PT Djarum for a nationwide advertising campaign — appearing on billboards, TV and in magazines — that pokes fun at officers dozing on the job.

"The force is a state institution that deserves respect," said police spokesman Maj. Gen. Sisno Adiwinoto.

The ad is a visual and linguistic pun on the phrase "sleeping policemen," which in Indonesia is a term used for speed bumps. It features a road sign warning motorists of bumps, amended to read "Be careful, the police are snoozing."

Adiwinoto claimed that Djarum had agreed to withdraw the ads, one of which is spread across a billboard yards from police headquarters. But Adiwinoto said police were "still discussing whether we need to take legal action or just send them a strong warning."

Djarum, which makes a popular brand of clove cigarettes, was not available for comment.

The Indonesian police force is regarded by critics as one of the country's most corrupt and lazy institutions, but is sensitive toward criticism. Thlanguagee lead singer of a punk band is currently on trial for comparing officers to dogs in a song.

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Blasting into space - via air miles

A Middlesex businessman is to become the first person in the world to use air miles to be blasted into space.

Alan Watts, 51, from Harrow, has flown upper class with Virgin Atlantic to the US around 40 times in the past six years.

It earned him two million air miles - enough to pay for the £100,000 trip to space with Virgin Galactic.

Mr Watts, the managing-director of an electrical engineering firm, said it would be the most exciting thing he has ever done in his life.

"The nearest I've come to space before was going on the Space Mountain ride in Florida," he said.

The businessman will have three days of training before boarding the spacecraft, which travels at almost 5,000kph.

Richard Branson revealed that Mr Watts would be among the first passengers as he unveiled a model of the Virgin Galactic SpaceShip2 in New York.

"When we first contacted Alan to let him know he had qualified for this unique offer, I think he thought it was a prank call," he said.

"Personally I am delighted that we have made it possible for Alan to do something that previously he had never dreamed was possible for him."