Subject: Daily Dose - 070414 - Toasts, BIZARRE NEWS, bigger in Texas,
Rolodex, DDL, Rotten News
Toasts!
Two couples are having their wedding
reception in the same hotel, and the two grooms are having a few beers together
at the bar.
"I bet I make love to my wife
tonight more times than you make love to yours" says the one .
"Never. I'll bet $50 my wife
wakes up more satisfied than yours" says the second.
"Right, you're on. But how will
we tell which one of us has won?" says the first.
"Easy. When we come down for
breakfast tomorrow, just order the same number of slices of toast as number of
times you made love." says the second.
The following morning both couples
are at breakfast, and both grooms are smiling as the waiter comes to take the
order. The first chap leans over - "I'll have a full English breakfast,
and SIX slices of toast" he smiles, winking at the second chap.
The second chap leans over, and says
in a loud voice - "I'll also have a full English breakfast and SEVEN
slices of toast -- and make 2 of them brown!"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Robber accused of hitting same bank
twice
FAYETTE, N.C. - Two times was not a
charm for a North Carolina bank robber accused of robbing the same bank twice
and then getting robbed of some of the loot.
Police looking at surveillance tape
of a Wachovia Bank branch robbery Monday thought the robber looked like Joseph
Thomas Mulkerin, who had pleaded guilty to robbing the same branch in March
2005, the Fayette (N.C.) Observer reported. Mulkerin was sentenced to between
10 months and one year in prison in that case, the Observer reported.
Police got a tip that he was at the
Boulevard Motel, where they found him and learned that he was staying at the
nearby Tropical Motel. They arrested him, took him to his room and allegedly
found money believed stolen in the bank heist -- but not all of it, the
Observer reported. Police then learned that hotel maintenance worker David
Mims, 49, had a key to the room and charged him with stealing some of the cash,
the newspaper reported.
Police wouldn't say how much of the
cash was missing. Mulkerin was being held on $50,000 bond, accused of stealing
$2,179, the Observer reported.
***
Check from God gets man in trouble
HOBART, Ind. - An Indiana man is
facing up to seven years in prison after police say he tried to cash a $50,000
check from God.
Kevin Russell, 21, allegedly tried
to cash a check signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords,
Servant," police told the Northwest Indiana Times. He's been charged with
attempted check fraud, intimidation and resisting law enforcement, the
newspaper said.
Police arrested Russell at the Chase
Bank branch in Hobart. Police told the Northwest Indiana Times the suspect had
several other checks with him, all signed the same way but made out in
different amounts. One check was for $100,000.
"I've heard about God giving
out eternal life but this is the first time I've heard of him giving out
cash," Hobart Police Detective Jeff White told the newspaper.
***
Two women, 19, arrested for bank
robbery
ACWORTH, Ga. - Cobb County, Ga.,
police said they have arrested two young women who allegedly held up a bank
with the help of the bank teller. Police said the two 19-year-old girls, the
teller and an unidentified fourth person were arrested Thursday night in
connection with the crime, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Friday.
Investigators previously said the
two women approached a Bank of America branch in a grocery store and handed a
holdup note to a teller, who is believed to have been in cahoots with the
alleged robbers. Officer Wayne Delk, a spokesman for the Cobb County Police
Department, said the women did not brandish any weapons during the robbery but
they made off with "a substantial amount of money."
***
Hong Kong suggests eco-friendly
coffins
HONG KONG - Hong Kong's Health,
Welfare and Food Bureau is encouraging the funeral industry to switch to
eco-friendly coffins.
A bureau spokesman said the Hong
Kong government welcomes opinions and suggestions from members of the funeral
industry on the subject of the more environmentally safe coffins.
"In this regard, we seek the
support of members of the funeral trade in embracing the development," the
spokesman said. "We understand that changes to long-time practices take
time to adjust. We believe shifting to the use of eco-friendly coffins is set
to benefit the society at large, including the bereaved families," he
said.
Eco-friendly coffins would cut
energy costs required for cremation, as the new coffins burn about 26 minutes
faster than other coffins. The change would also lessen the waiting period for
cremation. The official said a larger variety of eco-friendly coffin choices
are expected to become available in Hong Kong, offering more economical choices
for bereaved families.
______________________________
On a family vacation in Texas, my
brother-in-law Mike exhibited the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and
his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike
noticed was its size.
"Wow," he exclaimed,
"everything IS bigger in Texas!"
As he lifted the burger off the plate,
his eyes met the cold stare of the 300-pound waitress.
***
I was addressing some mail when I
noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it
must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office
janitor.
"I've lost my Rolodex," I
told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any
way you could find it?"
He said he would conduct a search.
When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my
Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the
janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling
apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."
______________________________
DDL
Bill says there was no penetration,
But Monica says, with elation,
"He wanted me bad,
So I said 'don't be sad,
We'll just cure all your ills with fellation!'"
______________________________
"If you want to stay healthy...
there was this guy in Hong Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes
his longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm gonna live a
long, long time."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"According to a new study,
eating ice cream increases a woman's chance of getting pregnant. Actually,
eating ice cream increases a woman's chances of looking pregnant."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"After three days in jail,
Bobby Brown is out. He was arrested at his daughter's cheerleading
competition...the second year in a row. He was arrested there last at the same
cheerleading competition for the same thing. Failure to pay child support. He
came up with the $19,000 he owed, so they let him go. His next arrest is
scheduled for March 22, in Daytona Beach."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Veni Vedi Vici" - (I
came, I saw, I conquered) - Julius Ceaser
"Veni Vedi Veni" - Hugh
Hefner
"Veni Vedi Vedi" - The
Texas Chainsaw Massacrerer
***
Q: What's the difference between a
hunting dog and a homosexual?
A: A hunting dog sics ducks.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Backyard toilet fence upsets
neighbors
Wed Nov 22, 11:35 PM ET
SOAP LAKE, Wash. - Some people use
scarecrows to chase away birds, or garlic to block vampires. Rick Froebe uses
toilets to repel golfers. Froebe has erected a backyard "fence" made
of seven old toilets, a few used bathtubs and some broken-down water heaters,
all designed to prevent golfers from the adjacent Lakeview Golf & Country
Club from approaching his yard.
While critics say Froebe is acting
out in a dispute with the golf course and other neighbors, the plumber insists
his fence is not meant to be offensive.
"It's plumber art,"
Froebe, 52, said.
Besides, he added, "It's not
like this is Pebble Beach. This is Lakeview."
On Monday, three scarecrow-like
dummies sat on toilets and looked on as golfers finished their putts on the
354-yard, par-4 first hole. The old commodes, bathtubs and water heaters first
appeared on Halloween.
He said the golfers near his
property make his four dogs start barking, which has prompted upset neighbors
to call the Grant County sheriff's office. Froebe has lived in the house for 15
years.
**********
Midnight Zamboni run prompts firings
By JOHN MILLER, Associated Press
Writer
Wed Nov 22, 11:35 PM ET
BOISE, Idaho - Two employees of the
city's ice skating rink have been fired for making a midnight fast-food run in
a pair of Zambonis. An anonymous tipster reported seeing the two big
ice-resurfacing machines chug through a Burger King drive-through and return to
the rink around 12:30 a.m. on Nov. 10. The squat, rubber-tired vehicles, which
have a top speed of about 5 mph, drove 1 1/2 miles in all.
The Zamboni operators, both temporary city employees whose names and ages were
not released by Parks and Recreation Department, had to negotiate at least one
intersection with a traffic light on their late-night creep from Idaho Ice
World.
"They were fired
immediately," said Parks Department Director Jim Hall. "We're pretty
sure it was just the one time. When we interviewed them, they didn't seem to be
too concerned about it. I don't think they understood the seriousness of
it."
Hall said neither the $75,000
Zambonis nor their $10,000 blades appeared damaged, but the city could charge
the employees with operating an unlicensed motor vehicle on a public street.
**********
Drunk posted himself
A German man has been arrested after
he climbed into an emergency postbox for unwanted babies while drunk.
Heinrich Mueller, 28, slid down the
chute and ended up in an emergency incubator, triggering alarms among medical
staff.
But instead of another unwanted
newborn baby, they found Mueller smoking a cigarette.
He then fell asleep as staff worked
out how to get him out of the incubator at the hospital in Dortmund.
Hundreds of babies have been
deposited in the boxes set up across Germany and Austria since the scheme
started five years ago.
It came into effect after more and
more young mums unable to cope with their newborns had been abandoning them on
the street. The baby boxes offered a safe 'no questions asked' alternative.
**********
Queen Gives Nazi Salute in New Play
A controversial new play about
Princess Diana which shows the Queen giving a Nazi salute has opened in
Germany.
Christoph Schlingensief now plans to
bring his play, Kaprow City, to the London Frieze Art Fair in October.
The German artist is also making a
film version in secret in the UK to be released at the end of the year.
The opening performance of the play
at the Volksbuehne theatre in Berlin, was a sell out success and very few
tickets for the remaining performances are still available.
In the play, a comical looking
Queen, played by German actress Karin Witt, is seen giving a Hitler salute,
something which is illegal in the country but is allowed on stage under
artistic licence.
According to reports in online media
Princes William and Harry are "distraught" at the thought of a new play
about the tragic death of their mother.
But an unrepentant Schlingensief
rejected the reports and said he had even sent the Princes invitations to last
night's premiere, adding: "After all, Harry has already been seen in Nazi
uniform."
He is currently filming a movie
version of the play with director Lars von Trier in both Paris and London. But
he refuses to give out any details about the shoot.
Schlingensief added that filming in
London will have to take place secretly because he thinks British people
"over react" to anything involving the late Princess of Wales.
He said: "Diana is considered a
saint in England and everyone turns into a nervous wreck as soon as you mention
her name.
"I am very interested in what
happened in the hour of her death, it fills me with artistic inspiration."