Subject: Daily Dose - 070411 - George's Collection
Another collection from George...
***
Four lawyers
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and
died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite
moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office
in another city.
It wasn't quite the same without
him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm, and one day she overheard
the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"
The three lawyers looked at each
other. They were hesitant because no one wanted to say 'yes', but she had
them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would
be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would
discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a
problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They
rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay.
She smiled, and said, "Good,
then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up right at 6:30, and
wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were
impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily
invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, "Sure,
I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at
6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The
three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even
par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were
totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by
beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and
didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their
game faces on.
But this week she was 15 minutes
late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the
best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As they waited for her, they
figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.
Finally, she showed up. This
week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she
narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so
complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all
three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers
after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one
of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point
blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or
left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned.
She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I
was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.
Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always
sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before
I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.
If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
All the guys on the team thought
this was hysterical! Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys
shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'll be
fifteen minutes late!"
______________________________
THE BLONDE COOK!
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom.
Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit
salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The
recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly
but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for
salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the
garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe
for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have
been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same
as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping
today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to
dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been
a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new
recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to
surprise him with chocolate moose.
______________________________
A cop stops a car for traveling
faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer
asks.
"Just Fred," the man
responds.
The officer is in a good mood,
doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and
write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him
for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to
have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his
hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you
lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long
story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I
know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed
to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that
I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored
being a doctor, so I decided To go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got
all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD,
DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so
I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they
took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling,
so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears,
laughing.
______________________________
Redneck Pick up Lines
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause
you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea
.. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card,
'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants?
Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd
store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking
girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the
ice."
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but
I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you
help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window
cleaner.
12) If you're going to regret this
in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
13) Your face reminds me of a
wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
______________________________
WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL
"A slipping gear could let your
M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
***
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
***
"When the pin is pulled, Mr.
Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
***
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are
very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
***
"If the enemy is in range, so are
you."
- Infantry Journal
***
"It is generally inadvisable to
eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
***
"Whoever said the pen is
mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
***
"Try to look unimportant; they
may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
***
"You, you, and you . Panic. The
rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
***
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
***
"Five second fuses only last
three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
***
"Don't ever be the first, don't
ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
***
"Bravery is being the only one
who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
***
"If your attack is going too
well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
***
"No combat-ready unit has ever
passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
***
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.
Once."
***
"Never tell the Platoon
Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
***
"Don't draw fire; it irritates
the people around you."
- Your Buddies
***
"If you see a bomb technician
running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
***
"Though I Fly Through the
Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and
Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
***
"You've never been lost until
you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
***
"The only time you have too
much fuel is when you're on fire."
***
"Blue water Navy truism: There
are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
***
"If the wings are traveling
faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore,
unsafe."
***
"When one engine fails on a
twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene
of the crash."
***
"Without ammunition, the USAF
would be just another expensive flying club."
***
"What is the similarity between
air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If
ATC screws up, ..... The pilot dies."
***
"Never trade luck for
skill."
***
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
***
"Progress in airline flying:
now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
***
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
***
"A smooth landing is mostly
luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
***
"I remember when sex was safe
and flying was dangerous."
***
"Mankind has a perfect record
in aviation; we never left one up there!"
***
"Flying the airplane is more
important than radioing your plight to a personon the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
***
"The Piper Cub is the safest
airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
***
"There is no reason to fly
through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
***
If something hasn't broken on your
helicopter, it's about to."
***
"You know that your landing
gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
***
As the test pilot climbs out of the
experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What
happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
______________________________
The Wongs
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The
next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely,
healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says
the nurse to the new parents "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong
name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new
baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we
will name him...
...Sum Ting Wong."
**********
Student knits her own Ferrari
Art graduate Lauren Porter knitted a
Ferrari sportscar for her honours degree at Bath Spa University.
The classic red bodywork consists of
250 squares of garter stitch made by Lauren and 20 family members and friends.
The windows are V-shaped stocking
stitch, while the details are crochet and the badge is embroidered.
It's all supported by a steel frame
which Lauren, 22, of Greatham, Hants, welded herself.