Subject: Daily Dose - 070408 - Ole the Assistant Doctor, THIS is TRUE, never say to a woman, DDL, Rotten News

Ole the Assistant Doctor

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".

"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"

Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"

And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.

"I put eye drops in her eyes.".

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THIS is TRUE...

DEATH NOTICED: After the sudden death of former stripper and wanna-be actress Anna Nicole Smith, 39, news spread fast on online news and blog sites. "The occasion gave free rein to the pseudonymous savagery which passes for informed commentary on the Web," the Reuters newswire editorialized. For example: "Anna Nicole Smith's condition downgraded to dead," headlined fark.com, where a shot of a beached whale was captioned "preliminary autopsy photo." But legitimate news outlets were hardly less "savage". Australia's Sydney Morning Herald noted "she was as talentless as Paris Hilton, as empty as the celebrity culture she once craved." Her cause of death was "a fatal dose of celebrity," the paper said, noting that to "a casual viewer of her television show it was obvious that something more chemically active than silicone was in her body." (Reuters, Sydney Morning Herald)
...Yes, well, live by the media, die by the media.

***

JUST THE BARE FACTS: Officials in Washington D.C., are perplexed at the death of a construction worker. Joseph Oliver, 23, was on the job installing elevators at the "Newseum" -- a museum about news and journalism -- when he fell down an elevator shaft, apparently from the fourth floor. Why the mystery? "The body was unclothed, which raised concerns in our mind," said an official from the construction company. "We're waiting to see what the police come up with." (Washington Post)
...A guy in Washington D.C. caught with his pants down? Sounds like a cliche news story to me.

***

FULL STOP: A third of 11-year-old British students don't know to use capital letters at the start of sentences nor periods at the end of sentences, a skill they should have mastered at 6. Analysis of national curriculum tests found that 21 percent failed the English test, which was further broken down to 33 percent failing the writing portion, and 17 percent failing in reading. (London Daily Mail)
...How do we know anyone there did the math right to get to those numbers?

***

YES, BUT IS IT ART? Commuters stuck in traffic on a Los Angeles, Calif., freeway saw something unusual when they passed the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels: a gigantic advertisement projected on the steeple. "Your Ad Here" alternated with "Your Corporate Logo Here". Officials at the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles were as perplexed as motorists, since they didn't authorize the advertisement. "A church tower is different from a billboard," said an archdiocese spokesman. "If it wasn't, we would have been selling ad space 2,000 years ago." Rather, it was a piece of performance art by 28-year-old graphic artist James Cui. While the church was reasonably amused, bureaucrats weren't. "What he put up is the equivalent to an advertising sign and not a work of art," said city code enforcement head Dave Keim, noting illegal ad signs are punishable as a misdemeanor with fines up to $1,000 and six months in jail. "To us, anything that attracts the attention of the public is a 'sign' and you need a permit." (Los Angeles Times)
...Something the Catholics will have to remember next time they plead, "Lord! Give us a 'sign'!"

***

A STORY YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THE PICTURES FOR: "Men with 'Moobs' Swell Queues for Breast Surgery"
-- London Times headline

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Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument:

10- Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

9- Aww, you are so cute when you get all ticked off.

8- You're just upset because your a** is beginning to spread.

7- Wait a minute -- I get it. What time of the month is it?

6- You're sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

5- Sorry, I was just picturing you nekked.

4- Whoa, time out. Football is on.

3- Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

2- Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

1- Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

______________________________

DDL

There was a young man of Penn State
Who could fart at a terrible rate.
Rips, rattles, and growls
Came forth from his bowels.
He maintained it was something he ate.

______________________________

"Tough weekend. Did you remember to change your clocks? You've lost an hour. It's just like watching The View."
-Dave Letterman

***

"Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador, after the ambassador was found drunk and naked in the yard of his residence. Today, Israel announced that he's their new ambassador to Ireland."
-Conan O'Brien

***

"It's a great day for the Georgia man who won $80 million. I found out who he is; I Googled him. He's a 52-year-old man who lives with his mom. I wonder what he's going to do with his money. He'll probably use it to get a younger, hotter mom. A trophy mom."
-Craig Ferguson

***

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
-- Galileo Galilei

***

"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else."
-- Cyrus Curtis

***

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

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Rotten News....  (true)

TV without remote is not enough for French thief

Wed Nov 15, 12:51 PM ET

PARIS (Reuters) - What's a television without its remote control? Not much, decided a thief in southwestern France who returned to the home from which he had just stolen a TV to pick up the remote control -- and was arrested.

The man robbed a pensioner's house in the village of Mussidan, taking the TV set and some hunting rifles, police said. While the pensioner was reporting the theft at the local gendarmerie (police station), the thief returned.

Alert neighbours tipped off the police and they caught the man red-handed.

"He came back to take the remote control," a local police spokesman said. "I guess there's daring and there's stupid."

**********

Israeli beauty queen downs arms to save legs

Thu Nov 16, 12:23 PM ET

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Miss Israel has been given permission not to carry her assault rifle during service in the Israeli army because she says it bruises her legs.

Reigning beauty queen Yael Nezri, a private who recently completed basic training, said the bruises were making it difficult for her to model in photo shoots.

The Jerusalem Post reported that Nezri, 18, had been granted an exemption by her commanders during her two-year army stint.

**********

'Surgeon stole my bum'

A German belly dancer has been awarded £12,000 compensation after a plastic surgeon accidentally sucked away one of her buttocks.

Julia 'Cleopatra' Meyer, 38, from Munich, wanted slimmer thighs and instead ended up with half her bum missing.

The court heard that during the liposuction the plastic surgeon, not named, from a private clinic, had removed fat from her right buttock instead of her thighs.

She said: "I had been unhappy with my saddlebags, the fat stored in the outer thigh area. Because of the local anaesthesia I did not realise what he was doing. When I saw afterwards that half of my bum was missing I almost fainted. It had been completely sucked away."

A consultant at the Berlin Charité hospital asked for an expert opinion said it was a "grave error in treatment".

The court heard the woman can no longer perform. She does not even dare to go to a swimming pool because she is ashamed of the way she looks.

The surgeon has been ordered to pay her £12,000 - twice the £6,000 she had been seeking.

**********

Marmite lover creates art

An artist has created portraits of famous faces using toast and Marmite.

Dermot Flynn's work was be displayed at a gallery in London.

Famous faces on the toast include Simon Cowell, Baroness Thatcher, Pete Doherty, Victoria Beckham, Gordon Ramsay, Charlotte Church and James Blunt.

According to the BBC, Mr Flynn chose ten celebritiies for his work entitled, 'Marmart'.

The Marmite art exhibition was at London's Air Gallery until October 28.