Subject: Daily Dose - 070404 - Sonia's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of
Sonia, in New Delhi...
***
We've all heard about people having
guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed,the definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late after a
night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having
the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a
night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're
next."
I hope this clears up any confusion
on the subject.
______________________________
This is a collection of leave
letters and applications written by people in various places of India..
1. Infosys, Bangalore An employee
applied for leave as follows Since I have to go to my village to sell my land
along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.
2.This is from Oracle Bangalore
>From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his
10 year old son "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two
days.."
3. Another gem from CDAC.
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
4. From H.A.L. Administration dept
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave."
5.Another employee applied for half
day leave as follows "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10
o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
7. A leave letter to the headmaster
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request
you to leave me today"
8. Another leave letter written to
the headmaster "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the
day."
9. Covering note "I am enclosed
herewith..."
10. Another one "Dear Sir with
reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
11. Actual letter written for
application of leave "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her
only husband at home I may be granted leave".
12. Letter writing - "I am in
well here and hope you are also in the well."
13.A candidate's job application
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an
Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and
I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
______________________________
"The Best of Dilbert
Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
1: I am currently out at a job interview
and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic
notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you
wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: Sorry to have missed you but I am
at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
4: I will be unable to delete all
the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5: Thank you for your email. Your
credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each
additional word in your message.
6: The e-mail server is unable to
verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please
restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when
you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
7: Thank you for your message, which
has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can
expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8: Hi. I'm thinking about what
you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the
salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
10: I've run away to join a
different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE
CAKE
11: I will be out of the office for
the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as
'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'
______________________________
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he
opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and
yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full
of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete
amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You
sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look,
you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the
door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck
of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You
sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit fed up
by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go
away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door
in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is
resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On
opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard
under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks
full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up
the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want
these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want
to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very
puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(wait for it)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
"You not Nissan Main
Dealer?"
______________________________
1) A guy knows he is in love when he
loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Tim Allen
2) A bank is a place that will lend
you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope
3) It's so simple to be wise.
Just think of something to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson
4) Give a man a fish and he has food
for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire
weekend.
Zenna Schaffer
5) It's not that I am afraid to die;
I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
6) The first thing I do in the
morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
Dorothy Parker.
7) Have you noticed that anyone
driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster then you is a
maniac.
George Carlin
(I thought this one was the best)
8) Why do they call it rush hour
when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
9) I told my doctor I broke my leg
in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
10) You know why fish are so
thin? They eat fish.
Jerry Seinfeld
11) If mini marts are open 365 days
a year,24 hours a day, and 7 days a week, why do the doors have locks on them?
Gallagher
______________________________
They're still laughing about this at IBM.
Apparently the computer giant
decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the
specifications, they stated that they will only accept three defective parts
per 10,000.
When the delivery came in there was
an accompanying letter. It said, "We Japanese had a hard time
understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts
per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in
the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
______________________________
FREE TIME
by Ron White
A few months ago, my friends and I
were having dinner. The topic of success came up and I remained silent. I
wanted to hear what they had to say. Someone who had been my friend for over 20
years spoke to the group, however, I knew his words were meant for me. He
boldly proclaimed, "Success is all luck...luck...that is all it is!"
He then looked at me as if to say, "You are a lucky man and that is
it."
I didn't say a word, however, I
confess that it hurt. He was one of my best friends and although it wasn't a
direct quote -- he was telling me that he didn't respect my success because it
was all luck. In other words, he could have done the same if he was just as
lucky.
I mulled this over for a few days
and then let it go. What could I do?
Then about two weeks ago my truck
window broke and I had to park in his garage for the day to stay out of the
rain. I was stuck at his home for six hours. During this six hours, I watched
five of his friends come over and they all watched the comedy channel and
consumed adult beverages for 5 hours. It was driving me up a wall! I wanted to
go for a run, write, read a book, goal set, strategize or spend time with
someone that I loved. Instead, I wasted 6 hours watching the comedy channel.
I am not suggesting that watching
television or the comedy channel is a waste of time. Most certainly not.
However, it was obvious that this was their daily routine. Then it hit me!
Success is not a result of luck. It
is a result of how you spend your free time!
He and I both work hard, the
difference is when my work day is done my free time is productive and his is
not.
My 6-CD Memory in a Month program
was created five years ago in my free time. Every month I get checks in the
mail because of this program and I will never have to do a single bit of work
again for it. Five years ago I did the work in my free time. Five years ago my
friend was watching the comedy channel and today his mailbox is empty.
Success is a result of luck?... No,
success is a result of how you spend your free time.
______________________________
A Professor at one of the IIM's
(INDIA) was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:-
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's
Direct Marketing
2. You're at a party with a bunch of
friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's
Advertising
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call
and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
4. You're at a party and see
gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you
marry me?" - That's Public Relations
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous
girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry
me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She
gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am
very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's
demand and supply gap
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and
tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him -
That's competition eating into your market share
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!"
your wife arrives. - That's restriction from entering new markets
*************
'Why the long face?'
A new pub landlady got a shock when
she discovered one of her regulars is a horse.
Jackie Gray recently became landlady
at the Alexandra Hotel in Jarrow, Tyneside.
She says she got a pleasant surprise
when carthouse Peggy joined owner Peter Dolan for a pint.
The 12-year-old's tipple is a pint
of John Smiths and pickled onion crisps.
Mrs Gray said: "When I bought
the pub a few weeks ago I heard rumours that one of the regulars was a horse
but I didn't quite believe them. It was a hot day when the horse came in and I
was shocked at first because I have never run a pub before."
Mr Dolan, 61, from Jarrow, bought
Peggy six years ago and discovered her fondness for the pub when she followed
him inside.
According to the BBC he said:
"Peggy's no bother at all. Most of the regulars know her as she's been
coming in here for years and for them Peggy's a bit of a novelty. She's a
proper lady."