Subject: Daily Dose - 070402 - Answering Machine, BIZARRE NEWS, a gift that, kinetic, DDL, Rotten News

Answering Machine Message:

Dan:  Hello.  Jane and I aren't here right now but if...

Jane: Dan, what are you doing?

Dan:  I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.

Jane: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.

Dan:  No, I'm sure it's my turn.

Jane: No, you selfish #@%@%!$.  It's definitely my turn!

Dan:  Jane, you ignorant slut. I know it's... wait... Jane... what are you doing with that frying pan?!?

BONK [really loud thud]

Jane: Dan is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Celebrity Sex Scene Confessions

"His idea of a romantic kiss was to go "blaah" an gag me with his tongue. He only improved once he married Demi Moore.
- Cybil Shepard on Bruce Willis

"I enjoyed bumping up against it even though it had black stuff all over it...By the end of the shoot I was covered in black goo'.
- Kim Bassinger being turned on by Michael Keaton's Batman costume.

Kenneth Williams' moment of unbridled passion with Joan Sims in "Carry On Up The Khyber" was somewhat marred by Williams' persistent flatulence.

Hygiene conscious Lana Turner chewed gum to keep her mouth fresh for her kissing scenes. During the filming of "Homecoming," Clark Gable kissed her so hard that the pair became entwined by a ribbon of sticky gum. From then on, she gargled.

"It's a little too sick, real or feigned to do in front of your mother."
- Jennifer Jason Leigh stated about a sex scene in her 1996 movie, "Georgia." Leigh asked her screenwriting mother, Barbara Turner, to leave the set at the crucial moment.

"God I miss my husband."
- Patsy Kensit whispered to Mel Gibson during their naked romp in "Lethal Weapon 2."

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Couple marries after 60 years apart

WACO, Texas - A Texas couple who fell in love in high school will be celebrating their first anniversary after being apart for 60 years.

Anna Huff and Bob Street met in 1946 when Anna was an usherette at the Orpheum Theater in Waco, Texas, and Bob was manager of the Waco High School football team, The Waco Tribune Herald reported. The pair split up after Bob's graduation and went on to marry other people, who they were widowed or divorced from.

With the help of the Internet and directory assistance, Huff's daughter tracked down Street in Texarkana, Texas, and gave him her mother's phone number.

"It was as if there never was 60 years between us," Huff told the Tribune Herald after Street called her. The two married last May a whirl wind courtship of one week and an engagement of one month, the newspaper said.

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Philippines sets kissing world record

PASAY CITY, Philippines - A total 6,124 couples gathered for a simultaneous kiss in Pasay City, Philippines, setting a world record for most couples kissing in one place.

The Guinness Book of World Records has formally recognized the Saturday Lovapalooza event at the SM Mall of Asia as a world record, the Philippines Entertainment Portal reported Monday.

The couples were led by a group of celebrities on stage and included musical performances. The Philippines set a previous world record for simultaneous smooches with the first Lovapalooza in 2004 but the title was taken the following year by Hungary.

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Freezing Weather Brings Out Cold Snobs

ST. LOUIS, The recent onslaught of freezing temperatures has brought a rare breed out of hibernation in the St. Louis area- the cold snob. Cold snobs like Oscar Rodriguez, 16, refuse to acknowledge the biting winter cold in the midst of 4 degree air temperatures, proudly wearing their summer shorts and denying any discomfort, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Tuesday.

"Cold?" he said. "This isn't cold. Not really. My mom keeps telling me to wear pants instead, but my legs don't get cold," Oscar said. "It's not that bad."

UPS driver and St. Louis native Michael Henson says it's been years since he wore long pants to work. "If it gets to zero degrees with 15 to 20 mph winds, I have to make a decision," he said. "Other than that, there's no problem."

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Man Arrested For Losing Pants in Airport

MANILA, Philippines, A German man accused of stripping at a Philippines airport after being annoyed by airport security was arrested for lasciviousness.

Hans Jurgen Oskar von Naguschewski was asked by Manila Airport security to go through the X-ray machine a second time, the BBC reported Monday.

"He must have been annoyed that he was asked to walk through the X-ray twice so he took off his pants," Angel Atutubo, chief of security at the airport, told the BBC. "He actually didn't say much, unlike Filipino passengers who would talk a lot," Police Superintendent Atilano Morada said. "He was clearly irked and he showed it by disrobing."

Naguschewski could face up to six years in jail if convicted of the charges, the BBC said.

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At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother.  "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."

Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"

***

Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"

One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there."

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DDL

There once was a baker of parts,
Who wasted no time on false starts.
He turned out pies and cakes,
And fine bread in two shakes,
Leaving plenty of time for the tarts.

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"The Constitution does not specify how long the State of the Union address must be. You know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever? Bill Clinton. You know who gave the shortest? George Washington. It was just a couple of minutes. Well sure, when a politician cannot tell a lie, it limits how much they can say."
--Jay Leno

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"Say what you want about the president, but he didn't become the president to make friends. He became president because the White House has a bowling alley in the basement."
--Jimmy Kimmel

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"Is everyone excited about the Academy Awards? How about that Al Gore movie? It received two nominations. Out of habit, Al demanded a recount."
--Dave Letterman

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Tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it secret, then tell him the truth.
--Portuguese Proverb

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"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends."
--Scott Ostler

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This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

***

"There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me -- I always feel that they have not said enough."
-- Mark Twain, U.S. novelist and humorist

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Rotten News....  (true)

January 31, 2007 

Tooth-cracking cookie ruled a work-related injury

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) — A ceramic stove salesman who chipped a tooth on a cookie while visiting a customer is entitled to compensation for his dental work after a court ruled it a work-related injury.

The Swedish Supreme Administrative Court ruled in favour of a claim by Calle Montell for state compensation, saying the injury was work-related because it occurred while he was on the job.

“I’m very happy,” Montell, 50, said Wednesday. “Everyone who is out on a job can have a snack knowing that they are covered by occupational safety laws.”

The Jan. 18 ruling ended a legal battle that began on Oct. 31, 2002, when Montell bit into a cookie offered by a customer and cracked his tooth on a cherry pit.

The local social insurance office denied him state compensation for the C$670 it cost to repair the damage, rejecting his claim that the injury was work-related. Two courts dealt with the case before the Supreme Administrative Court issued its ruling, which cannot be appealed.

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Tough turban saves Bachchan after camel kick

Thu Feb 1, 4:34 AM ET

MUMBAI (Reuters) - Bollywood's iconic actor Amitabh Bachchan is thanking an elaborate Indian headgear for saving his life after he was kicked on the head by a camel while shooting for a film, a newspaper reported on Thursday.

The 64-year-old actor, playing a royal guard in "Eklavya", a period film about palace intrigue, was shooting a scene in which he had to pass through a herd of 400 camels.

The Mumbai Mirror newspaper said one of the camels suddenly landed a kick on Bachchan's head, leaving him dizzy for a few minutes.

"Mr. Bachchan kept saying 'the turban saved my life'," director Vidhu Vinod Chopra was quoted as saying by the daily. "I would have never believed it happened, but then we spotted the camel in action on the monitor."

The headgear that Bachchan wore for the film is a traditional colourful turban worn by villagers in the western desert state of Rajasthan.

Running into several yards, it takes a professional up to an hour to tie a Rajasthani turban, the newspaper said.

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January 30, 2007 

Cops arrest couple carrying cash register

By PAUL TURENNE -- Winnipeg Sun

What’s a good way to get arrested? How about walking past cops carrying a cash register?

That’s what happened in the North End last night, when police who were in the area conducting an investigation noticed a man and a woman walking down the street with a cash register.

“Talk about suspicious activity,” said a police spokeswoman.

Police stopped the couple and eventually linked them to a knifepoint robbery that had just occurred at a nearby variety store on Aberdeen Avenue.

Cops have also charged the pair with robbing that same store two more times last week.

Kevin Sainnawap, 30, and Annie Agnes Houle, 29, have both been charged with three counts of robbery with a weapon and are being held at the Winnipeg Remand Centre.

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Yobs pick on wrong OAP

Three thugs who tried to mug a pensioner got a shock - when he turned out to be an ex-Army boxing champ.

George Bayliss, 67, of Bury St Edmunds, had just drawn his pension at the post office when the gang demanded his cash.

The retired builder, who boxed for England in the 1960s, hit the ringleader with a left hook to the chin and his pals fled empty-handed.

Mr Bayliss, the Army's middleweight champion from 1958 to 1960, told the Sun: "They picked on the wrong pensioner.

"The guy I hit got what he deserved. My only regret is that I didn't hit him harder. I hope they think twice before picking on someone my age again."

Suffolk Police spokeswoman Lisa Miller said: "We would never encourage the public to retaliate in these circumstances in case they get hurt.

"But Mr Bayliss's actions may have stopped a more serious crime."