Subject: Daily Dose - 070328 - George's Collection

Another collection courtesy of George...

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Catholic Horses

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses

Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track , and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants! --you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites

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Learning Golf

My wife said to me, "George, it is about time that you learned to play golf, you know, golf, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."

So, I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?"

I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," he said, "and we will tee off."

"What's tee off," I asked?

He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.

"Not for me," I said, "I'll tee off out behind the barn somewhere?"

"No, no," he said, "a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down?

I always thought you stood up and walked around."

"You do," he said. "You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so.

He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"

"Sure," I said.

He said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?"

"Of course," I told him.

"Well," he said, "can't you open the bag and take one out?"

I said, "I suppose I could."

But damned if I was going to. He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, no, I'm the old fashioned type. Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club.

Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so.

He said, "You take your club in both hands." Folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.

Then he said you swing it over your shoulder. No, no, that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about.

He asked me, "How do you hold your club."

Before I thought I said, "In two fingers." He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.

He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar."

I said, "I could well imagine!"

"Then," he said, "and when you're on the green."

"What's the green," I asked?

"On the green you use a putter."

"What's the putter?" I asked.

"That's the smallest club made," he said.

"That's what I've got, a putter!"

"With it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole."

I corrected, "You mean the putter?"

He said, "The ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter too."

Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

Then he said, "After you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen."

He wasn't talking to me! After two holes, I'm shot to hell!

"You mean," he said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?"

"Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?"

He said, "The flag would go up."

That would be just my luck.

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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash And only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about ;halfway down the block, So another dog is pushing her home."

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Water vs. Wine

Invaluable information in view of our water situation.

WATER

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of  water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

WINE

We do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation  process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

WINE = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK WINE

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than it is to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart.

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Growing Old

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go long.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are not sure these are jokes

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Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, Yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a Sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over.  There's nobody home."  I Went over.  Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor.  It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying.  I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's When you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the Kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.  I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy.  When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with at night.

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Human interest at London Zoo

London Zoo has unveiled a new exhibition - eight humans prowling around wearing little more than fig leaves.

The 'Human Zoo' is intended to show the basic nature of human beings, over the bank holiday weekend.

"We have set up this exhibit to highlight the spread of man as a plague species and to communicate the importance of man's place in the planet's ecosystem," a London Zoo spokesman said.

The scantily-clad volunteers will be kept amused with games and music.

"I actually think the fig leaves will be enough to cover us up, it's no worse than a swimming pool," said volunteer Simon Spiro, 19, from New Malden, Surrey.

Spiro, selected from dozens of hopefuls in an Internet competition, said he was excited by the prospect of monkeying around on the zoo's Bear Mountain.

"I'm a veterinary student so the idea of working for a zoo was something that appealed to me. I'm not worried by the fact it might be cold and rainy. I've brought pocket Scrabble in case we're bored."