Subject: Daily Dose - 070326 - Uh Oh, BIZARRE NEWS, snorkeling, DDL, Rotten News

Uh Oh...

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Management Quotes

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

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Man Riding Mower From Alaska to Virginia

BEAVER MOUNTAIN, Utah - A self-described "pretty strange" man traveling on a riding lawnmower from Alaska to Virginia stopped for repairs in northeastern Utah.

Paul Woods, 44, came to Logan, Utah, Wednesday and said he's not sure how long it will take to complete the 4,500-mile trip to claim the house his late mother left him in her will. He told the Logan Herald Journal he's content to drive slowly.

Woods is traveling with his terrier mix named Yoda, and the battered mower pulls a shopping cart trailer with their supplies. The two sleep in a small tent and he stays warm with a propane heater, the newspaper said.

Woods said he plans to detour around Wyoming because he says the gas stations are too far apart and the mower's tank only holds a quarter of a gallon. Only three of the machine's five gears work, and Woods said he's now on his third engine.

"I've spent more time fixing it than driving it," he told the Herald Journal.

Woods said only few drivers have taken notice of him on the roadside. "You've got to be pretty strange and pretty weird to be driving a tractor mower across the country," he said.

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No Laws Broken By Nude Bowlers

OLD TOWN, Maine, Police responding to complaints about a nudist event at an Old Town, Maine, bowling alley have determined that no laws were violated.

The nudist group running the event, the Bare Nekkid Mainers, said the bowling alley was closed, the windows and doors were covered with paper and a notice posted outside announced that a private party was in progress, the Bangor (Maine) Daily News reported Wednesday.

However, a man apparently ignoring the signs during the Jan. 20 event entered the bowling alley with his 8-year old son and witnessed a nude male playing pool.

"He walked through two doors that were covered in paper and had signs," said Hessa, an organizer of the event who asked to be identified only by her first name.

Disgusted, the man went to police, but law enforcement officers found nothing illegal about the event. Hessa said the doors must remain unlocked for fire safety reasons but someone will be posted at the door for future nude events at the bowling alley to prevent future mishaps.

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Giant Baby Born in Mexico

CANCUN, Mexico, A Mexican newborn baby weighing 14 1/2 pounds is wearing diapers designed for 6-month-olds, the BBC reported. Antonio Vasconcelos is an enormous 22 inches long, said officials at a hospital in the seaside Mexican city of Cancun where he was born Jan. 31.

"Super Tonio," as he has been dubbed, is about twice the size of an average newborn. He is relatively healthy despite his weight, said doctors, but his blood sugar is higher than average for a newborn.

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For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man.

As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I can't get out until you do."

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DDL

There once was a flasher named Paul
Who stationed himself in the mall.
He unzipped as he bowed
To the curious crowd,
Then extended his welcome to all.

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Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

***

Q: What’s the hardest part about skydiving
A: The ground

***

Q: What is the height of stupidity?
A: 2 men sitting on a motorcycle & fighting for a window seat

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There is always a little truth behind every just kidding

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"Problems cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness that created them."
~Albert Einstein~

***

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Rotten News....  (true)

Urologists throw 'Urinetown' potty party

Thu Feb 8, 5:09 PM ET

OMAHA, Neb. - The opening-night party for "Urinetown- The Musical" will take on a urological cast in Omaha. Decorative yellow and white flowers will be arrayed in bedpans. Dessert- something yellow- will be served in specimen cups.

It's what you might expect from the show's sponsor, The Urology Center of Omaha.

The 2002 Tony-award winning Broadway musical opens Friday night at the Omaha Community Playhouse. Among the show's song titles: "It's a Privilege to Pee."

The show is about how a terrible drought makes private toilets unthinkable, so such private activities must be done — for a price — in public amenities controlled by a private corporation, Urine Good Co.

The theater approached the doctors about sponsoring the local amateur production.

Said Dr. Mike Kroeger of the Urology Center: "We thought it would be fun for our staff and would let people know we have a sense of humor."

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Bored wardens shoot diplomat's dog

Bulgarian park wardens have sparked a diplomatic row after they shot a Russian diplomat's pet dog because they were bored.

The Russian consul in the Bulgarian city of Russe is demanding action after his beloved pet labrador Mecho was shot dead by the park wardens as target practice.

They were employed at a park near his residence and the dog, that was used to walking there with its master, ran to the park after getting out of the embassy unnoticed one evening.

Yuri Trushin said he only noticed the dog was missing the next morning. When he went out to look for him he found the animal's body peppered with gunshot wounds in the park alongside other dead hounds.

Trushin said witnesses had seen local park guards "entertaining themselves" the previous night by shooting at the dogs in the park.

He said: "I have written to the local police to express my anger, and also urged the Russian foreign ministry to get involved and do something over this. I am going to meet other members of the Russian diplomatic corps in the next few days to tell them all about the kind of travesties here."

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Good samaritan counts cost

A taxi driver who allowed three car crash victims to shelter in his cab was shocked when rescuers destroyed his cab to 'free' them.

Peter Andersson, 45, from Lulea in Sweden, said: "They had a few cuts and bruises and I let them shelter in my cab. They looked worse than they were.

"I went off to look at the wreck and when the firemen turned up, they pulled out hydraulic metal cutters and sliced the side off the cab.

"They said it meant they could get the people out without them having to bend too much, in case of neck injuries, they didn't realise they only had to open the door."

The taxi driver is now in dispute with his insurance company, who do not believe his story over the reason for the £30,000 repair bill.

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World's tallest man saves dolphins

The world's tallest man has been using his long arms to save two dolphins.

Bao Xishun, who is 7ft 9ins, used his arms to reach into the dolphin's stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.

Vets at the aquarium in Fushun, north-east China, turned to Mr Bao for help after they were unable to extract the shards.

The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao was not bitten. He then extended his arm length of 1.06m into the mammals' stomachs.

Chen Lujun, manager of Royal Jidi Ocean World, said the procedure was successful and the dolphins were "in very good condition now".

Mr Bao, 54, was confirmed as the world's tallest living man by Guinness World Records last year, reports the BBC.