Subject: Daily Dose - 070325 - died of, BIZARRE NEWS, How would you like to be seen, season tickets, DDL, Rotten News

Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived. The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."

St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"

The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."

St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."

Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"

The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my kids when my heart gave out, and here I am."

Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed like a street walker.

Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."

Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'."

She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."

Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea..."

The girl replies, "You do if you give it to Leroy."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Revenge

After his wife left him, spurned husband Donald Niblett wrecked their home with a bulldozer, causing damage in excess of 15,000 English pounds.

In 1988, an Egyptian belly-dancer paid back her unfaithful husband by going on a massive spending spree with his credit card totaling $46,000 before flying to his villa in France and smashing the place up.

A married pilot dismissed his mistress from his London apartment. The young woman agreed to leave but asked for a day to pack her belongings. When he returned from an overseas flight he found the phone off the hook. His mistress had made a long distance call to the speaking clock in Washington D.C.

A housewife, distraught over her husband's unfaithfulness, decided to throw herself out of the window of their third floor apartment. She didn't realize her husband was walking beneath. She survived, he did not.

***

Signs of Nude Jogger Shrink in Cold Weather

SAN JOSE, Calif. - California's recent cold snap has ended sightings of a middle-age man who likes to jog naked in a park outside San Jose.

While rangers at the Fremont Older Open Space Preserve have never encountered the man, numerous park visitors have reported seeing the same man running in the buff for the past year and a half, the San Jose Mercury News said Thursday.

The man wears only glasses, shoes and a black tam hat unless it's a hot day, said Sue Bowdoin, who has been startled by him twice while riding her horse through the 739-acre park. "He passed me and said 'Good evening'", Bowdoin said. "I think he has a screw loose."

Others who have crossed paths with the man told the newspaper he is cordial and polite and doesn't do anything threatening. However, nude jogging is not only illegal in the park, but dangerous because of the abundance of poison oak, the report said.

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Parking Ticket Rage Boils Over

SAN FRANCISCO - San Francisco lawmakers are considering giving public employees with the thankless job of parking meter enforcement more than just pens and ticket pads. The city wants cameras in all vehicles used by the ticket writers as well as arming them with mace to help ward off "parking ticket rage," the Los Angeles Times said.

State lawmakers could soon act on a bill that would make it a felony to physically attack parking enforcement personnel, the Times reported Thursday. Parking ticket rage is spreading throughout the state. A spokeswoman for the union representing the Bay Area's parking ticket writers says in addition to the annoyance of getting a ticket, many people now feel it's just the government "ripping them off."

In his 11 years writing tickets in San Francisco, James Hudson says he has been attacked, run over at least once and told to "get a real job. Some people don't know how to control their anger," he said.

San Francisco officials say enough is enough, especially since serious attacks are on the rise. The number of parking ticket writers attacked in 2006 rose to 28 from 17 the year before, including four assaults in November, the report said.

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Missing Love Lives Adorning Milk Cartons

CARDIFF, Wales, Unmarried residents are posting personal descriptions on milk cartons in search of love as part of a lonely hearts venture in the Welsh town of Denbigh.

Working off the concept of missing children that have long adorned milk cartons, those living around the small Welsh town decided to place the romantic "Fancy a Farmer?" stickers on area milk products to find dates, the Western Mail said.

Iwan Jones, who helped expand the venture from a simple joke, said the stickers could potentially assist area residents to find romantic relationships in an area bereft of a dating scene. "The Welsh countryside is a great place to live, with stunning scenery, but it can be a hard place to find a date, as I'm finding out," Jones said. "The ratio of men to women is skewed where I live because a lot of young women have moved to other areas like Cardiff to find work after leaving college," he added.

Working in conjunction with the online site, pishyn.com, the dairy service is aiming to set up local singles dates in time for the romantic Welsh holiday of St. Dwynwen's Day on Thursday.

***

Man Memorizes pi to 12,887 Digits

For the math-challenged, remembering pi equals 3.14 is tough; now a Pennsylvania man has memorized pi to 12,887 digits.

Mark Umile, 40, a fling clerk from Upper Darby, figured the problem by hand, writing down the results 1,000 digits at a time -- and then memorized the number, the Philadelphia Inquirer reported.

"I was really proud of him that he did it," his wife, Maryann, said. "I can't remember a phone number."

The world record for reciting pi is 100,000 digits and was set in Japan, but Umile's feat eclipsed the old North American record of 10,980., the Inquirer said.

Umile, however, does hold the record for memorizing 905 digits of the mathematical constant "e" and the first 5,544 digits of the square root of two, the Inquirer said.

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In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

***

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

______________________________

DDL

There once was a coed named Nola,
Who crashed a big party at Loyola.
Although uninvited,
Her host was delighted,
She brought rubber sheets and Mazola.

______________________________

"NASA made it official today: They are no longer going to recruit their astronauts from eHarmony.com."
--Jay Leno

***

"Happy birthday to Burt Reynolds; 71 years old today. There were so many candles on Burt's cake, he had to wear a flame-retardant toupee."
--Dave Letterman

***

"NASA has just announced that it has suspended astronaut Lisa Nowak for 30 days. Everyone should rest easy knowing that the crazy diaper lady won't be operating spacecraft until March 10 at he earliest."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"Today President Bush met with Palestinian President Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas, 'I loved your song, Dancing Queen.'"
--Jay Leno

***

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
--Rita Rudner

***

"This guy told me he thought I was attractive, and when I get a nice compliment I like to take it in, swish it around in my brain... until it becomes an insult."
--Sheila Wenz

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Rotten News....  (true)

Church says marry on the cheap

The Church is advising couples to get married on the cheap in second-hand clothes and have a DIY reception.

A new Church of England guide advises couples to shun the "spend, spend, spend culture" and "embrace a more simplistic approach".

The average bill for a wedding in the UK has now reached £17,000, with the bride's dress alone costing £826.

Guide author Rev Andrew Body, a former Relate counsellor, says brides should travel to their wedding by taxi wearing a second-hand dress from a charity shop.

He also suggests asking guests to take their own booze to the reception.

The Bishop of Hereford Rt Rev Anthony Priddis praised its advice, saying: "Marriage is absolutely fundamental to our human life and, therefore, to society's health. Couples need help and encouragement to walk this path."

Making the Most of Weddings, on sale now for £6.99, also highlights how newlyweds can cut the environmental costs by opting for organic and fair trade food at their reception knees-up.

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Mom allegedly leaves kids in car to tan Fri Feb 9, 10:02 PM ET

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. - Sheboygan police arrested a woman after she allegedly left her two children in a freezing car for 20 minutes while she went tanning.

The 27-year-old woman was arrested after two people spotted the children, ages 23 months and 10 years, in the car, the police department said in a news release. The vehicle was locked but not running.

Officers responding to the scene Wednesday evening were approached by the children's parents. The father met the mother at the tanning salon and was arguing with her about why the children were in the car, police said.

The children were dressed warmly, but they had "goose bumps" from the cold, the release said. They did not require medical attention.

The temperature at the time was 12 degrees, with a wind chill index of about minus 2 degrees.

The woman could be charged Friday with two counts of misdemeanor child neglect, police said.

"She said she was going on vacation and felt that the tanning was a priority," Lt. Jeff Johnston said Friday.

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Woman breaks tooth, wants town to pay 1 hour, 54 minutes ago

ABINGTON, Mass. - Trying to get something done at town hall can be a pain, one local woman says for her it was literally.

Joanne Harding broke a tooth on a Tootsie Roll she took from a candy jar in the town clerk's office in Abington Town Hall last month during a visit to get a license for her dog.

Now, Harding wants the town to help pay her $4,000-$5,000 dental bill.

"I took the candy, so it's partially my fault," the 40-year-old Harding told the Patriot Ledger of Quincy. "I wouldn't have taken it if it wasn't there."

Town Manager Phillip Warren Jr. forwarded Harding's request for financial assistance to the town's insurance carrier.

"We'll wait to see what the insurance company says," he said.

Meanwhile, the candy jars are still there at the clerk's office.

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School suspends art teacher for painting with bum

A US art teacher has been suspended after bosses learned of his sideline - painting with his bum.

Stephen Murmer had posted a video on YouTube demonstrating his unusual technique.

He also had his own website - www.buttprintart.com - featuring his work and the video, reports the Richmond Times-Dispatch.

In the video, in which he places his buttocks in paint and then sits on a canvas, he goes under the name Stan Murmer and disguises himself with Groucho Marx-style glasses and moustache.

His paintings, typically depicting flowers and butterflies, are priced from £250 to £450.

After learning of the video, school officials at Monacan High School in Chesterfield County, Virginia, put Mr Murmer on paid leave.

But Kent Willis, executive director of the ACLU of Virginia, said Mr Murmer was "a well-respected, responsible teacher who does his job.

"Separate from that, he is an artist, he uses a pseudonym, he even disguises himself when he appears on this video," he said.

A school spokesman said teachers were expected to set an example for students. The school board is expected to consider the case next month.

School board chairman Marshall W Trammell Jr said he had seen a lot of things "but this is probably the most unique that I've ever seen."