Subject: Daily Dose - 070321 - Jim's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of Jim
in Sidney...
***
A husband and wife were sharing a
bottle of wine when the Husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something
which will make me happy and Sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments,
then said, "Your penis is Bigger than your brother's.
______________________________
I am passing this on to you because
it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner
peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way
to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never
finished."
So, I looked around my house to see
all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this
morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a
bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the
remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some
Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I
feel!
Please pass this on to those you
feel might be in need of inner peace.
______________________________
This is a strictly mathematical
viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean
to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings
where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes
up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula
that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will
take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with
mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will
put you over the top.
"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM"
______________________________
Supermarket Surround Sound
The new supermarket near my house
has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases,
you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you
hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the
smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any
more...
______________________________
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
just as ye sit doon among yer kin
there sterts tae stir an enormous wind
the neeps & tatties & mushy
peas
stert workin like a gentle breeze
but soon the puddin wi the sauncie
face
will have ye blawin aw ower the place
nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'bodys gonnae have tae
pay even if ye try tae stifle
its like a bullet oot a rifle
hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
tae try and stop the leakin air
shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
prae tae God it doesnae reek
but aw yer efforts go assunder
oot it comes like a clap a thunder
ricochets aroon the room
michty me a sonic boom
God Almighty it fairly reeks
hope a huvnae shat ma breeks
tae the bog i better scurry
aw whit the hell, its no ma worry
a'body roon aboot me chokin
wan or two are nearly bokin
i'll feel better for a while
cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! i shout with accusin glower
alas too late, hes just keeled ower
ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
a dinnae feel welcome any mair
where e're ye go let yer wind gan'
free
sounds like just the job fur me
whit a fuss at Rabbies perty
ower the sake o' wan wee ferty!!
______________________________
Female Urologist
(There are over 11,000 male
urologists in the US., but now a few women have entered the field.)
A man goes to a female urologist for
an exam. The doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your
prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy obeys and says,
"99!!!"
She says, "Great. Now turn over
on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and
say 99."
Again, the guy says, "99."
She then says, "Very good. Now
then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am
going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going
to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy says,
"One...two..three..."
______________________________
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs.
Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay,"
and walked away.
The following day, the same man
approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to
go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man,
"Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't
reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked
away The third Day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated
at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in
a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already
several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I
understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention,
saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
