Subject: Daily Dose - 070318 - own 40 acres, Stella Awards, Things You'll
Never Hear, DDL, Rotten News
The first Texan says, "My name
is Roger. I own 150,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my
place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name
is John. I own 250,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place
Big John's Ranchero."
They both look down at the Jewish
man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 40 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say,
"40 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call
it?" asked John.
The little old Jewish man says,
"Downtown Dallas."
______________________________
Stella Awards (true
frivolous lawsuits)
HER GENEROSITY IS OVERWHELMING
by Randy Cassingham
On October 14, 2004, Barbara
Connors, 75, of Medfield, Mass., was riding in a car driven by her son-in-law,
Alan Hauser, 70, when they got into an accident in Old Saybrook, Conn. Their
car left the road, jumped the sidewalk, went through a fence, and flew 15 feet
through the air and splashed into the Connecticut River. Hauser swam to the
surface and was rescued by the crew of a nearby boat, but Connors went under
with the car, sinking 10 feet below the surface.
There were plenty of witnesses to
the crash, and several quickly called 911 to report it. "It was the
[fastest] response I've ever seen," said one. "They were here in a
heartbeat." Because she was underwater, and the river's current increased
the danger, rescuers had to don special gear. Even with the time it took them
to drive there and do that, Connors was pulled to the surface within 15 to 20
minutes of the accident. Still, it was too late: she had no pulse. Paramedics
started CPR and revived her at the scene.
Rescuers were "very pleased
with the rescue effort by all the agencies involved, as well as the citizens
who helped us," said police officer Michael Spera, who was on the scene.
Connors was raced to the hospital in critical condition -- and thanks to
everyone's quick action, she survived.
The next month, a ceremony was held
to honor the rescuers. Connors' daughter said her mother couldn't attend, but
wanted to thank everyone for their "very generous outpouring of generosity
and support" in saving her life. Connors was in town to visit her daughter
when the accident occurred.
That was then, this is now: Connors
has sued not just her son-in-law, who was driving the car, but also the
rescuers, alleging they "took too long" to rescue her. The suit,
filed in Superior Court at New London, Conn., was filed by attorney Robert
Reardon Jr. It claims the town is responsible for not installing
"appropriate guardrails to stop a vehicle from going into the water"
and for failing to "provide funds for the equipment needed by police
divers."
In addition, the suit names the town
building inspector, its director of public works, a building official, a
planner, and the Parks and Recreation Commission, for "failing to maintain
a safe environment at Saybrook Point." It also names town police chief
Edmund Mosca for "failing to provide adequate staff and diving
equipment." The suit says that Connors was previously able to live on her
own, but after the accident she has to be cared for in a nursing home.
Presumably those responsible for saving her life should pay for that.
For their "very generous
outpouring of generosity and support," the town and rescuers are sued?
Yeah, that makes sense. Rescue work, especially in water, is incredibly
dangerous, and a great many rescuers, most notably in small towns, are volunteers.
What sort of public policy signal is society sending when we allow them to be
put them through hell after they do a GOOD job?
*******
WATCH WHILE I PULL A RABBIT OUT OF
THIS HAT
by Randy Cassingham
Professional magicians mystify us
and entertain us. From Houdini to Henning to who knows who is up-and-coming, we
marvel at their slight of hand and wonder how they did it.
Christopher Roller of Burnsville,
Minnesota, wonders too. He wonders so much that he has sued two of the
best-known names in magic demanding that they reveal their secrets to him:
David Blaine and David Copperfield.
Roller says that if Blaine and
Copperfield show him their tricks "with scientific principals [sic] that
don't defy laws of physics" -- and allow him to "imitate/copy in slow
motion" as they do it -- and, if in his judgement there is a
"worldly" explanation for their tricks, he will drop the suits. But
he's fairly confident that they cannot do the tricks with mere worldly power,
because they are surely using "godly" powers to do their tricks. And
that, he says, is the basis for his suits, filed in U.S. District Court for the
District of Minnesota this summer.
How's that? Roller argues, with
apparent seriousness, that if the magicians' powers are godly, then they stole
that power from him. Um, how's THAT? "I am deity," he says, "a
messenger of god." And since the magicians are using, in Roller's opinion,
godly powers to perform tricks, that's coming through his special channel to
god (er, I guess that would be some god higher than himself) -- and they don't
have his permission to do that. Thus, he says, he deserves 10 percent of their
earnings because their magical ability was taken from him. "I am the guy
responsible for his powers," he says, not specifying which magician he's
referring to.
So is Roller saying Blaine and
Copperfield somehow saw him perform tricks somewhere, and stole them? Nope:
Roller says he's not a magician himself, and does not perform. "I am a
programmer and a writer," he admits. "I have my own Internet software
I sell."
But he's serious about the lawsuits.
"I would not go to federal court just to pull somebody's leg," he
insists. No, but he would go to federal court to pull someone's wallet: the
suit against Blaine, for instance, asks for "over $2,000,000" because
somehow, "David Blaine has been using my godly powers to perform his
magic."
Apparently Copperfield has made more
money from Roller's god-powers. A lot more: Roller wants $50 million from him.
In the Copperfield suit, which is similarly brief, Roller notes--- well, let me
simply quote it in its entirety:
David Copperfield has been
using my godly powers to perform his magic. This is a labor dispute in
accordance with Minn Statute 179.06 for past/future commission compensation.
[My web site] explains my life
and my journey to godliness. I believe David Copperfield has been using my
godly powers to perform his magic.
We've all seen clips of UFO
videos. They dance around in the sky at the speed of thought. So we know that
godly powers can coexist on planet Earth. Godly powers means using thought to
control actions/results, usually defying explanation and laws of physics. I
believe magicians have also been granted godly powers by me somehow, but they
have been keeping it a secret and keeping the credits from me.
If David has godly powers,
then he must be using my powers. That, or I need detailed explanation (in
person) of how he does his tricks, performed/explained in the courtroom
(complete confidentiality), and I will leave him alone if I'm wrong - i.e.
tricks/illusions are done conventionally. I've politely asked David, via email,
to show me how his tricks are done, with no response.
If godly, I want back-pay
compensation - 10% past/future career earnings. Estimating 10% of past career
earnings of over $50,000,000.
That's the entire lawsuit. (Can you
tell he wrote it himself without the aid of an attorney?) It cost Roller
"like $250" to file it in Federal Court, but at least he didn't do it
until he "politely asked" "David" to reveal his trade
secrets to a complete stranger, and didn't get a reply. If Roller is so godly
and Blaine and Copperfield are using his powers to perform magic, then how come
he doesn't already know how to do the tricks? Unfortunately, there's no room
for common sense in his argument.
Some of Copperfield's lawyers'
response to the court is worthy of quotation too:
Seeing as how Roller has never
worked for Copperfield in any capacity anywhere ever and has no relation to
Copperfield whatsoever, he has no claim currently nor could he ever have any
employment or labor claim against Copperfield. Plaintiff's Complaint is best
described as a claim for usurpation of Godly powers, which as this Court is
aware, is beyond the jurisdiction of this Court or any court of this earth.
(Keep going: it gets even
better.)
Defendant respectfully urges
the Court to visit Plaintiff's website.... Therein Plaintiff makes the
following claims including:
* Plaintiff is running for President of the United States in 2008 with
Bill Gates as his running mate.
* Plaintiff claims he is Jesus Christ.
* Plaintiff claims he is God.
* Plaintiff claims that [NBC news host] Katie Couric and [singer] Celine
Dion are his wives and are going to have his children.
* Plaintiff claims there is a movie coming out soon about his life that
stars Tom Hanks.
* Plaintiff claims he has killed all of his enemies.
* Plaintiff claims he will father 1,000,000 babies.
While most people would simply call
Roller a nutball and roll their eyes, that Just Won't Do in a court of law.
Rather, they just point out a few facts and let the judge come to his own
conclusion. But the formal response is indeed the time and place to ask the
judge to dismiss the suit, and they do: "Accordingly," Copperfield's
response concludes, "dismissal with prejudice is warranted."
("With prejudice" means Roller would be enjoined from refiling the
suit again, even if he amends it.)
In federal courts, there is a
procedural rule about frivolous lawsuits and motions -- Rule 11. When that rule
is invoked, the judge can award damages against the frivolous action. No doubt
wanting to get the suit over with as soon as possible, Copperfield's attorneys
have not asked for such damages, but there's a clear warning to Roller in the
response:
Without waiving its right to
later do so, it should be noted that Defendant has not brought a Rule 11 motion
at this time despite ample grounds to do so. Obviously, to the extent Plaintiff
were to continue to pursue his "claim" herein, Defendant may be
forced to seek sanctions under Rule 11 in order to deter Plaintiff from the
repetition of such conduct.
Yes, on the one hand the whole thing
is funny, but on the other hand it's also awfully sad. The victims of the suits
are reasonably rich men, and they can afford to hire good attorneys to fight
back. But what if the defendant were, say, YOU? Then YOU would have to hire an
attorney (or two, like Copperfield) to fight back, and you may not be a rich
celebrity with the money to do that. You might have to take out a second
mortgage on your house to afford it, and take time off work to brief the
attorney on what's going on so he can protect you. Copperfield's attorney
didn't demand "Rule 11" compensation to pay the magician back for the
money spent fighting this junk, but why should that be necessary? When cases
are this ridiculous, it should simply happen anyway in a sort of court-ordered
magic trick. And Presto! Maybe that would have stopped Roller from filing the
second suit ...or maybe even the first one.
______________________________
Things You'll Never Hear In A
Western Movie:
"I reckon I'll have me a
half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get
caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more
intuitive solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till
12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons
into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a
roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say
we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and
pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two
starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them
strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the
fondue."
"That's him! That's the
yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good
marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make
my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya,
Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay,
now a little to the left... .Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
______________________________
DDL
There once was a man with one nut,
Who found himself in a large rut.
When he'd screw missionary,
He'd become rather wary,
Of losing it up his girl's butt.
______________________________
"Happy Columbus Day everybody.
Columbus did not set out to discover America. He was looking for a quicker
route to India. Do you know why he was trying to get to India? He was trying to
get the King of Spain's computer fixed."
--Jay Leno
***
"Hi, welcome to the show, I am
your host Columbus Dave!"
--Dave Letterman
***
"The nation's energy chief says
it'll take six months for energy production and prices to return to
pre-hurricane levels. In a bold effort to hurry the process, President Bush
fished out his old 'Save Gas: Fart In A Jar' t-shirt."
--Amy Poehler
***
"I want my children to have all
the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
-Unknown
***
"I married a younger man. Ten
years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man,
raise one."
--Unknown
***
"Murphy told Quinn that his
wife was driving him to drink. Quinn remarked that Murphy was a very lucky man,
because his own wife makes him walk to the pub."
--Unknown
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
'Joan of Arc' may be cat
Ashes thought to be those of Joan of
Arc may belong to a cat.
The ashes were discovered in 1867
and have been at a musuem in Chinon, western France.
Joan of Arc prevented a British
invasion, before being burnt at the stake as a witch by the English in 1431 at
the age of 19.
Carbon-dating tests identified a
cat's femur and rib bone in the ashes.
Anthropologist Philippe Charlier
revealed the discovery tallied with the medieval practice of throwing a black
cat on a witch's pyre to appease the devil.
He told the Sun: "This femur is
not burnt, just a bit charred, so maybe we are just dealing with a passing cat.
"The chances that we are
dealing with the remains of the French heroine are diminishing."
But a spokesman for the French Catholic
Church said: "Joan of Arc's remains could well be there amid other
things."
**********
The birds and the bears - why old
black eyes is back
Jonathan Watts, Sichuan
December 17, 2006
Viagra, pornography,
partner-swapping, artificial tongues and electrified rectal probes. No, they
are not the ingredients for a new series of Sex And The City; they are the
hard-core husbandry techniques behind a massive boom in the captive giant panda
population.
The world's most famous endangered
species is making a comeback. After a record 31 births in zoos and research
centres this year, Chinese scientists say they have developed a near-100 per
cent success rate for breeding the animals.
The population in the wild has
stabilised at just over 1500 and their habitat - one of the most important
centres of biodiversity in the world - has been given a new and expanded
guarantee of protection by the government.
Not so long ago, the panda seemed
doomed to extinction. Although the real threat came from man, through hunting
and logging, there was a widespread belief that the animals did themselves few
favours.
They were known for shyness, a low
sex drive and a diet that was overly dependent on eating huge quantities of a
barely nutritious and hard-to-digest bamboo that was inedible every six years
or so.
After 20 years of trial and error,
scientists at Wolong boast they can now breed pandas at will. To counter the
suggestion that the captive animals may be too naive about the birds and the
bears, the keepers have provided sex education in the form of wildlife videos -
dubbed "panda porn" - showing the animals mating in the forests.
To boost sex drive, they once tried
the remedy used by countless millions of humans: Viagra. "We'll never do
that again," Mr Zhang says. "The panda was excited for 24
hours."
Another challenge was the risk of
in-breeding. To widen the genetic stock, researchers had to come up with a way
to find a mate for even the least popular females. How did they do that?
"We tricked them," Mr Zhang says with a smile.
The "trick" is to put a
fertile and attractive female into a breeding pen, where she leaves
scratchmarks and droppings capable of exciting a male. But at the last moment
the females are swapped. The zookeepers introduce a new, less popular, mate who
has been scented with the urine of the more attractive animals. She is
introduced into the mating pen rear end first, so the male cannot see the face
of his partner until they have finished copulating.
"When the males find out, they
get very angry and start fighting the female," Mr Zhang says. "We
have had to use firecrackers and a water hose to separate them."
Artificial insemination has also
helped boost panda numbers. The use of hormones and laboratory testing of
oestrogen levels has maximised the short fertility window of female pandas,
which lasts about 72 hours per year.
Adult females now have an 85 per cent
chance of being impregnated. But the semen-harvesting technique is likely to
come as a shock to anyone used to thinking of pandas in terms of cuteness and
innocence.
Lab workers in Wolong display a
rectal probe that is inserted into the anus of a sedated male. This is
connected to an electricity supply and the charge is gradually increased until
the panda ejaculates.
*************
Hell of a pizza angers church
December 18, 2006 - 2:02PM
Hell Pizza is not concerned by a
call by a Catholic newspaper to boycott its products in response to a recent
condom mail-out. To promote its Lust pizza, Hell distributed 170,000 condoms,
along with explicit instructions on their use, to homes around the country.
The move prompted hundreds of
complaints to the Advertising Standards Authority, which ruled Hell breached
standards of decency and social responsibility.
An editorial in the latest edition
of NZ Catholic newspaper calls on readers to abstain from purchasing any of the
items from Hell.
Kirk MacGibbon of Cinderella
Marketing, the firm which handles all of Hell's advertising, said if Catholics
decided on a boycott there wasn't much Hell could do about it.
"I'm not sure how many
Catholics buy from Hell, anyway," Mr MacGibbon said.
The Lust campaign had been hugely
successful, and had been a chance for Hell to be controversial while also doing
some good, he said.
As well as promoting Hell pizzas,
the campaign was meant to draw attention to New Zealand's high rate of teen
pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, Mr MacGibbon said.
The Lust controversy broke out
shortly before Hell was purchased by new owners Tasman Pacific Foods (TPF).
Its new general manager Colin Mellar
said the condom promotion had not offended TPF, nor had it dissuaded the
company from buying Hell.
They weren't worried about a
possible boycott, and stood by Hell's products, Mr Mellar said.
"If the Pope himself had tried
the Lust pizza he might be a converted customer."
**********
Prosecutors Request Prison Time for
Indonesian Playboy Chief
By Steve Javors
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
JAKARTA, Indonesia — Prosecutors
have demanded a judge impose a harsh two-year prison sentence for the
editor-in-chief of the Indonesian version of Playboy. Erwin Arnada was charged
in June with distributing indecent pictures and profiting from their sale.
More than 100 Muslim protesters
attending the hearing thought the prosecution’s demands were too lax. The
raucous group chanted “Hang him, hang him” in the courtroom.
In April, the launch of Playboy’s
first Indonesian edition, which contained no nude photos, sparked widespread
public debate over morality and decency in the largely Muslim nation.
“The pictures selected by the defendant
were improper for publication because they violated decency and aroused lust,”
prosecutor Resni Muchtar told the court.
While copies of the controversial
issue sold on the streets for up to four times the cover price, hard-line
Muslim protestors hurled rocks at local Playboy offices in April, prompting the
magazine to briefly halt publication.
Subsequently, Playboy’s offices have
moved to Bali where there is considerably less Islamic influence. The magazine
is still available at newsstands throughout the country, and the government has
made no move to ban the publication.
The judge, according to Indonesian
laws, heavily weighs the prosecution’s sentencing demands.