Subject: Daily Dose - 070317 - cheapest prostitute, THIS is TRUE, captain's
car, Shamu the killer whale, DDL, Rotten News
One night, a horny old geezer
decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he
looks for the cheapest prostitute in the nearest Red Light District. A short
while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 on her.
The next morning, the old geezer
wakes up and discovers he has the crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to
where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hooker on the
street corner so he marches over and says, "You gave me the crabs!"
The hooker replies, "What did
you expect for $10, lobster?"
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
DOG GONE IT: John Cave, 14, is deaf,
but it doesn't keep him from going to public school. He even has a new
specially trained assistance dog to help him. But that's the trouble: the W.
Tresper Clarke High School in Westbury, Long Island, N.Y., says the boy
"doesn't need the dog" at school and, when the boy brought the dog
anyway, school officials called the police. Responding officers refused to
arrest the boy after confirming state law says public facilities cannot bar
disabled people from having service dogs. Still, principal Timothy Voels
refuses to let Cave bring the dog on school grounds if he has the dog with him,
closing the door when he arrives. "All I wanted to do was give my son one
more step toward independence," says John's mother, Nancy. (New York
Newsday)
...There's your mistake, Nancy: Zero Tolerance-subscribing school officials
don't want kids to be independent, since that would give them an advantage.
***
ZT TOO: Ryan Morgan, 13, heard a
rumor that there was a gun in the boys' restroom at Troy Middle School in
Joliet, Ill. He looked and found a pellet gun in the trash can; he pulled it
out and took it to the vice principal. The school's reaction to his heroic act?
It suspended him. When his parents complained, the school board cut the boy a
deal -- instead of expelling him, they ordering that he be home schooled.
"I think the decision wasn't the best decision," Ryan said, adding he
thought he did "the right thing." (Joliet Herald News)
...Zero tolerance isn't about the right thing, it's about not having to think.
***
ZT III: The La Vega Independent
School District in Bellmead, Texas, suspended a student for "inappropriate
physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment."
Sounds serious, but what did the student do? He hugged a teacher's aide, and
during the hug his face was pressed into her breasts. The student was 4 years
old at the time. The boy's father, DaMarcus Blackwell, went to the media,
getting worldwide press coverage. In response, the school dropped the sexual
contact references from the unnamed boy's file, amending the complaint to
"inappropriate physical contact." The pre-kindergarten boy, now 5,
has been moved to a different classroom at his parents' request, and the
parents have filed a "level 2" complaint with the district to clear
the boy's record completely. (Waco Tribune-Herald)
..."Zero" tolerance plus enough media attention equals
"some" tolerance.
***
ZT FOR PEE PEE: After a
confrontation with a 12-year-old at Danville (Penn.) Middle School, teachers
summoned the principal. The principal "frightened" the girl, her
parents said -- and she wet her pants. The unnamed girl is a retarded special
education student. Her parents say she has never become violent, and has wet
herself before when confronted by the principal. Still, this time principal
Kevin Duckworth called the police and insisted they charge her with disorderly
conduct. Embarrassed officers told her parents they could "probably"
avoid a fine by having the girl perform community service. (AP)
...Her parents have already performed a community service -- by taking the
story to newspapers.
***
OBVIOUSLY IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE:
"Utah Risks Loosing its Best Teachers"
-- Salt Lake Tribune headline
______________________________
As a frequent flier, I get annoyed
when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated
when the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by
announcing:
"The captain will be parking
the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's
car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated.
***
At Sea World, our grandson
absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he
wouldn't tell us why.
No amount of discussion could get
him to change his mind.
Later, when we got home, we
discovered the reason for his reluctance.
An aunt had told him how exciting
the show would be because, "They choose children from the audience to feed
Shamu."
______________________________
DDL
There was a young girl of Kilkenny,
On whose genital parts there were many
Venereal growths -
The result of wild oats
Sown there by a fellow named Benny.
______________________________
Q: What do you call a hyperactive
Irishman who keeps bouncing off of walls.
A: Rick O'Shea
***
Q: What do you call a sheep that
runs around with forty thieves?
A: Ali Baa Baa
***
"A recent study has found that
the country of England has a shortage of dentists. But it was also found that
England has a shortage of teeth - so it works out."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Do you know the worst place to
be in a major earthquake? In a hospital operating room getting a vasectomy. Do
you know the best place to be? A Hooters restaurant."
--Jay Leno
***
"Can you tell that autumn is in
the air? Today I put on my fall toupee."
--Dave Letterman
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Guinness-guzzling camel crashes
Irish party
Updated: 10:58 a.m. ET Dec. 6, 2006
DUBLIN - Staff at an Irish riding
school were forced to postpone festivities after Gus the camel chomped his way
through 200 mince pies and several cans of Guinness intended for their
Christmas party.
Gus, starring in the riding school’s
Santa’s Magical Animal Kingdom show, helped himself to the feast while staff
were getting changed for the party.
“Gus found his way out of his pen
and helped himself,” Robert Fagan, owner of the Mullingar Equestrian Centre in
central Ireland, told Reuters.
The 11-year-old camel, originally
from Morocco, cracked open six cans of Ireland’s famous stout with his teeth
after the door to his stall was left open.
Gus appeared well after Monday
evening’s feeding frenzy, Fagan said, adding: “We were all looking forward to
it, but you couldn’t blame him. He’s really a very gentle, docile sort of
camel.”
**********
Beer 'good for joints'
Drinking alcohol is good for your
joints, according to research.
Swedish scientists found drinking
moderate amounts of alcohol may reduce the effects of rheumatoid arthritis.
Mice with a version of the human
joint disease were highly protected by daily doses of water containing ten per
cent ethanol.
Ethanol is found in beers, spirits
and wines, reports the Sun.
The mice developed arthritis at a
slower rate than mice not given the 'spiked' water.
Earlier this year, research
indicated that a Mediterranean diet, including wine with meals, may also reduce
the severity of the disease.
*********
Oversized condoms a headache for
many Indian men
Fri Dec 8, 3:26 AM ET
NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Condoms
designed to meet international size specifications are too big for many Indian
men as their penises fall short of what manufacturers had anticipated, an
Indian study has found.
The Indian Council of Medical
Research, a leading state-run centre, said its initial findings from a two-year
study showed 60 percent of men in the financial capital Mumbai had penises
about 2.4 cm (one inch) shorter than those condoms catered for.
For a further 30 percent, the
difference was at least 5 cm (two inches). A poor fit meant the prophylactics
often didn't do the job they were bought for, and led to some tearing or
slipping off during use.
"One of the reasons for a
failure of up to 20 percent (of condoms) is the association of the size of the
condom to the erect penis," the council's Dr. Chander Puri told Reuters,
adding another reason was couples often put them on in a hurry.
Puri said many men in India, which
has the world's highest HIV positive caseload, were too shy to ask for condoms.
"We need more vending machines
for condoms of different sizes so people can pick a condom with confidence that
is suited to their needs," he said.
The Times of India reported the ICMR
survey had studied 1,400 men between 18-50 years of age in cities like Mumbai
and New Delhi as well as in rural areas in a report. It entitled its story
"Indian men don't measure up".
************
Actual Kuwaiti Times article - March
10, 2007.....