Subject: Daily Dose - 070314 - George's Collection
Today's collection courtesy of
George, in Winnipeg
***
The story is told of a king in
Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of
looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or
negative) and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were
out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the
king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the
guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb
was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This
is good!"
To which the king replied, "No,
this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was
hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals
captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some
wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the
wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they
never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him
on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded
of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his
friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.
"You were right," he said,
"it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell
the friend all that had just happened. "And so am very sorry for sending
you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied,
"This is good!"
"What do you mean, 'This is
good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had NOT been in jail, I
would have been with you!"
______________________________
NEWS HEADLINE!
Rider Practice suspended....
Saskatchewan Roughrider football
practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Taylor Field. One of
the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and
noticed a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice
field.
Head coach Danny Barrett immediately
suspended practice while he RCMP were called in to investigate. After a
complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown
to the players, was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the RCMP
decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance
again.......
***
Q. What do you call a ROUGHRIDER
with a GREY CUP ring?
A. A thief.
Q. How many SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS
does it take to win a GREY CUP?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!
Q. What do the SASKATCHEWAN
ROUGHRIDERS and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 27,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ"!
Q. How do you keep a SASKATCHEWAN
ROUGHRIDER out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.
Q. What do you call 47 people
sitting around a TV watching the GREY CUP?
A. The SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS.
______________________________
A Newfie decides to travel across
Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so
much that he decides to stay.
But first he must find a job. He
walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an
'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for
someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the
company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the
side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want
you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it
contains."
The Newfie promptly answers,
"Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in
'er."
The foreman is impressed. He puts
the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road He points at
another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This
time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer
Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie.
Now the foreman is really impressed.
The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a
calculator!
One more test. They drive a little
farther down the road, and the foreman stops again This time, he points across
the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes
pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar 242 board feet at mos'."
The foreman spins the truck around
and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the
Newfie is smarter than he As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck
and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells
him, See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that
tree."
The foreman thinks to himself,
"Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"
When the Newfie reaches the tree, he
goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and
places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the
chalk.
"Dat's da front a' dat tree fer
sure." the Newfie states, cocksure.
The foreman laughs to himself and
asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the
tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet,
while rubbing the toe of his boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies,
"Cuz someone took a shit behind it eh?."
He got the job and is now the
foreman.
______________________________
HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED !
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.
Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail,
nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team
arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even
though Johnny started it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in
class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and
given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of
Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey
has a disability.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his
father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next
time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for
child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is
told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their
Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and
takes some headache medicine to school.
1956 - Mark shares headache medicine
with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled
from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant
1956 - 5 High School Boys leave
town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls
Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state
over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given
condoms and told to be more careful next time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1956 - Pedro goes to summer school,
passes English, goes to college.
2006 - Pedro's cause is taken up by
state party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching
English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action
lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned
from curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he can't speak English.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Scenario: Johnny takes apart
leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint
bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1956 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI
called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a
terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scenario: Johnny falls while running
during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.
Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1956 - In a short time Johnny feels
better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a
sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
______________________________
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
Lady Astor once told Winston:
"If you were my husband I'd put poison in your tea!" to which
Winston replied: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
At a dinner at which Churchill had
drank a bit much, the lady seated next to him said, "You, sir, are
drunk!"
Sir Winston replied, "Yes, madam, and you are ugly, but I shall be sober
in the morning."
"He has all the virtues I
dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with
much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but
I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known
to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really
think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a
copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words
into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly
wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the
funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is
intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to
the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first
night, will attend second...if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable
without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and
worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his
illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself,
he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking
for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of
adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you
that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention
span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their
mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good
instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame
them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called
a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite
of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there
looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown
him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever
they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a
drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for
music."
-- Billy Wilder
Saddam'a cat....