Subject: Daily Dose - 070312 - burn in hell, THIS is TRUE, Personal ads, DDL, Rotten News

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will burn in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked.

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THIS is TRUE...

NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE: Pat Dori, 49, of Hackensack, N.J., was mad as "Dell Hell". He sent his malfunctioning laptop computer to Dell Inc. for repair, but they lost it, he said, and would only agree to replace it with a refurbished model with an inferior warranty. Every time he called, he'd have to explain the problem again from the start. "If you try to speak to a human being on the phone, you're stuck on hold forever," he fumed. "I am sick of it! If they have kiosks, you can sue them." That was the key to his plan: a local mall had a Dell kiosk, so he sued the company, and had the legal papers served at the local kiosk, rather than to the Dell corporate offices in Texas. No one from Dell showed up in court to answer his lawsuit, so the judge awarded Dori $3,000. Only then did Dell take action -- they appealed, hiring a law firm to fight back since Dori now had the legal right to seize assets from the kiosk. But once news of the fight hit the newspaper, Dell quickly settled with Dori. "God only knows how much their legal team cost them," he said, finally satisfied. (Newark Star-Ledger)
...Good point, except Michael Dell's title is "Chairman", not "God".

***

HOT PURSUIT: Police officer Gary Oliva, on patrol in Calumet City, Ill., was immediately suspicious of a man he saw on the street. He pulled over to ask the man what he was doing, but the man tried to walk away without answering. Oliva's suspicions were over the furnace the man was rolling down the street on a dolly. Investigation found it was stolen from a nearby construction job; its vent hood was in the man's backpack. Louis Finnie, 41, was arrested and charged with burglary. (Northwest Indiana Times)
...Plus a charge of "packing heat" during the commission of a felony.

***

JUST A FLESH WOUND: Police in Livonia, Ga., say Olivia Hutcherson, 21, wanted to light a cigarette, and assumed a pistol she found in a night stand was a lighter. It was an actual .22 caliber pistol and, when she pulled the trigger, it fired, rather than shoot out a flame. "The bullet traveled through her hand and embedded itself in the wall," the police report says. Meanwhile, Anna Herrera-Gomez, 23, was practicing shooting a 9mm pistol at a range in Oklahoma City, Okla., when the pistol ejected a shell into her blouse. When the hot shell hit her chest, she jumped -- and shot herself in the leg. Another nearby shooter, a paramedic, came to her aid; her injury was described as minor. (Anderson (S.C.) Independent Mail, Oklahoman)
...Her embarrassment, however, was nearly fatal.

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HUNGRY FOR BAD PUBLICITY: When Derrydown Public School in North York, Ont., Canada, announced its annual food drive for needy people, third-grader Stephanie Templeton, 8, paid attention. "I want to help people who are suffering without food," she said. "We have lots of food and it makes me feel good to give it to people." But she was told she brought in too much food. "The teacher said she was showing up the other kids," said Stephanie's father, Frank, and sent the girl home with cans of food in her backpack. The teacher, confirms Principal Yvonne Castello, "didn't want any of the other kids to feel pressured," but Castello overrode the teacher's decision and accepted the food, noting that this year's food drive was the most successful the school has held. (Toronto Sun)
...What's a little more starvation when kids' self esteem is at risk?

***

IT'S OFFICIAL -- AMERICA IS 100% BIPOLAR: "AP Poll: Americans Optimistic for 2007"
-- AP headline, December 30;
"Poll: Americans See Gloom, Doom in 2007"
-- AP headline, December 31

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"Personal ads" in the Dublin News

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiance, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

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DDL

Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
Asked, "What's there to do in the summer?"
She declined and declined
Till approached from behind...
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!

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Statistics is mankind’s way of lying truthfully

***

"A new season of 'Survivor' debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"Britney Spears has given birth to a six pound eleven ounce boy. The name of the baby is Larry the Cable Guy Federline. Actually when the baby was born Britney requested that the cord stay attached to make it easier to carry."
--Jay Leno

***

"There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me -- I always feel that they have not said enough."
-- Mark Twain

***

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
--Ross MacDonald

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Rotten News....  (true)

Ex-cop plans video on how to hide drugs

TYLER, Texas - A one-time Texas drug agent described by his former boss as perhaps the best narcotics officer in the country plans to market a how-to video on concealing drugs and fooling police.

Barry Cooper, who has worked for small police departments in East Texas, plans to launch a Web site next week where he will sell his video, "Never Get Busted Again," the Tyler Morning Telegraph reported in its online edition Thursday.

A promotional video says Cooper will show viewers how to "conceal their stash," "avoid narcotics profiling" and "fool canines every time."

Cooper, who said he favors the legalization of marijuana, made the video in part because he believes the nation's fight against drugs is a waste of resources. Busting marijuana users fills up prisons with nonviolent offenders, he said.

"My main motivation in all of this is to teach Americans their civil liberties and what drives me in this is injustice and unfairness in our system," Cooper told the newspaper.

As a drug officer, Cooper said, he made more than 800 drug arrests and seized more than 50 vehicles and $500,000 in cash and assets.

Smith County Deputy Constable Mark Waters, a narcotics officer, said the video is insulting to law enforcement officials.

"This is a slap in the face to all that we do to uphold the laws and keep the public safe," he said

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Baby OK After Going Through X-Ray At LAX

POSTED: 12:21 pm EST December 20, 2006

LOS ANGELES -- A 1-month-old baby was checked and cleared by a Los Angeles hospital over the weekend after being put through an airport X-ray machine.

Authorities at Los Angeles International Airport said an inexperienced traveler mistakenly put her grandson through a carry-on luggage screener. A startled security worker noticed the shape of a child and immediately pulled the baby out.

A spokesman for LAX said the incident Saturday was an innocent mistake.

In 1988, an infant in a car seat went through an X-ray machine at the airport.

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Greek monks clash on Mount Athos, seven injured

By Karolos Grohmann

ATHENS (Reuters) - At least seven Greek monks were injured on Wednesday when opposing groups of monks in the Mount Athos monastic community clashed inside a disputed chapel.

The monks of the Esfigmenou monastery, which has broken away from the 19 other monasteries on the male-only community and refuses to recognise the Ecumenical Patriarch as the head of the Orthodox faith, said they had come under attack.

"We were inside the chapel when a group of monks broke in with sledgehammers and crowbars and attacked us," Father Methodios, the abbot of Esfigmenou, told state television. How could they do this during this time of peace, days before Christmas?"

The chapel belonging to the monastery was in Karies, the capital of the community in the mountains of northern Greece. The community has been trying to evict the rebel monks for years, saying they had no place there since they refuse to fall under the patriarchate's jurisdiction.

Under Greece's constitution, the Patriarchate has supreme spiritual authority over the semi-autonomous region.

Police confirmed seven monks had been taken to a hospital and several of them were being treated for head wounds.

Esfigmenou monks say the 1,000-year-old monastery is theirs. They have also clashed before with police sent to evict them.

The monks have sharply criticised attempts to improve ties with the Catholic Church and the Pope.

The Mount Athos peninsula is considered as Orthodox Christianity's spiritual home from which all females are banned.

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House is an island

Developers have turned a house into an island in China after the owner refused to move out.

The villa now stands alone in a 30ft deep man-made pit in Chongqing city, reports Jinbao Daily.

The Chongqing Zhengsheng Real Estate Company wants to turn the area into a £40m 'Broadway' square, including apartments and a shopping mall.

But the owner of the villa says he won't move out unless the company pays his price - the equivalent of £1.3 million.

"The villa owner refuses to move, so the real-estate developer has had to dig out all around it to force him to," says a saleswoman at Weilian Real Estate Sales Company.

"He wants 20 million yuan, or he'll stay till the end of the world."