Subject: Daily Dose - 070311 - Birds, THIS is TRUE, Laws of Golf, DDL,
Rotten News
Birds!
One day Little Johnny got curious
and asked his mother, "Where do white babies come from?"
His mother answered "The
stork."
Little Johnny then asked,
"Where do black babies come from?
"His mother replied,
"Ravens."
Then Little Johnny asked,
"Where do no babies come from?"
And his mother said,
"Swallows."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
NICE GUY OF THE YEAR: Larry
Severson, 52, of Mountain Home, Idaho, is fighting for the proceeds from his
wife's $200,000 life insurance policy. There are two catches in his fight,
which he is taking to the state's Supreme Court: First, his wife named her mother
the beneficiary, not him. Second, state law prohibits Severson from collecting
it because he poisoned his wife with sleeping pills and drain cleaner. His
lawyer, Jay Clark, claims Severson should get half of the policy's face value,
since it was paid for with jointly held money. Clark admits he's helping
Severson in the case in hopes that the money will pay at least some of the
legal fees he charged Severson in his unsuccessful first-degree murder defense.
(Idaho Statesman)
...So he can buy a lifetime supply of tranquilizers, since that's the only way
he'll be able to sleep at night.
***
ETHICS CHECK: The Texas Ethics
Commission has voted 5-3 that when state officials get cash as a
"gift", they can comply with state law by simply stating
"currency" was received without even saying how much they got.
"What the Ethics Commission has done is legalize bribery," sputtered
the head of Texas Citizen, a political reform organization. The decision makes
it "perfectly legal to report the gift of 'a wheelbarrow' without
reporting that the wheelbarrow was filled with cash," said an astonished
district attorney in the state. In a previous ruling, the Commission held that
two checks for $100,000 could be simply described as "checks". (San
Antonio Express-News)
...While voters may accurately describe the commissioners as
"idiots".
***
FEDERAL ETHICS: The U.S. Federal
Election Commission is "encouraging" politicians to turn themselves
in when they breach campaign finance laws. In return, they'll levy reduced
fines, as long as politicians are not simply "three steps in front of the
guy who's got the complaint in his hand," says FEC Commissioner Ellen
Weintraub. The FEC expects some will be dubious of the new policy. "Some
people don't seem like they're going to be satisfied until we're given the
power of the Red Queen in 'Alice in Wonderland', so as soon as a complaint is
filed we can say, 'Off with their political heads'," said Commissioner
Hans von Spakovsky. (AP)
...He says that like it's a bad thing.
***
HOLIDAY GREETINGS: Susette Kelo
fought the city of New London, Conn., when they forced her from her home under
"eminent domain" -- they wanted her property, and 114 others, for a
new development of condos, shops and hotels to generate more tax revenue than
houses do. She was the lead plaintiff in a lawsuit that went all the way to the
U.S. Supreme Court. She lost, 5-4, but meanwhile the city raised the buyout
price on her home from $123,000 to $442,155, and started eviction procedures in
June. For Christmas, she's sending greeting cards to many of the politicians
involved in the taking of her property. It reads, in part, "Your houses,
your homes / Your family, your friends / May they live in misery / That never
ends. / I curse you all / May you rot in hell / To each of you / I send this
spell." One recipient called the card "immensely childish,"
while Gail Schwenker-Mayer, who publicly supported the project and also got a
card, said she found it "amazing anyone could be so vindictive when
they've made so much money." (New London Day)
...While thoughtful people find it amazing there can be anyone left who thinks
money solves every problem.
***
OUT OF THE FRYING PAN, INTO THE
FIRE: "Blind Man Takes over Wheel from Drunk Driver"
-- Waikato [New Zealand] Times headline
______________________________
Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last
shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole,
since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will
be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability
of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are
water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact
that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off
of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the
universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a
golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You
looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's
handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the
world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the
greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most
painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't,
how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of
juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your
group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group
you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional
wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are
demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same
"sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or
into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of
awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can
usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough
break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one,
sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most
hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a
round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at
least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf
course shall be valid only until the sunset.
______________________________
DDL
A tired young trollop of Nome
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
Eight miners came screwing,
But she said, 'Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!'
______________________________
"When his life was ruined, his
family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up
to the heavens, "Why, God? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God
answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
--Stephen King
***
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the
street.
"Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear
about that fire at your warehouse."
"Ssh!" hisses the other,
"It's not till next week."
***
Why spoil a good meal with a big
tip?
--Jewish proverb
***
Japanese Viagra
Japan recently sent the American
people 50,000,000 cases of Viagra. .
They heard that our entire country
can't get an election straight ...
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
A woman in a nightclub phoned for an
ambulance after breaking a fingernail.
Another woman dialled 999 saying a
mouse had swallowed her medicine.
Other calls included a man who
needed someone to change the television channel, a man who had a dream he was
unconscious and had collapsed and a caller who wanted a can of pop out of the
fridge.
They were among thousands of
timewasters revealed to have blocked 999 lines.
The North East Ambulance Service
also highlighted the growing number of revellers who call an ambulance to save
queuing for taxis.
They fake injury then wrongly assume
ambulance staff will take them home after treatment.
A spokeswoman for NEAS said:
"Some of the calls we get are ridiculous. We had two more just last night.
One was from a woman who said her boyfriend was drunk and she needed help to get
him upstairs to bed. Another was from someone who wanted us to deliver a
takeaway to them."
Last year demand rose by 15% from
November to December.
Control room manager Graham Robinson
said: "At this time of year, our demand increases dramatically. We urge
members of the public not to call 999 unnecessarily."
**********
A student has changed his name to
Rolf Harris - to be more like his hero.
Alan Macdonald, from Huddersfield,
made the switch by deed poll, reports the Sun.
The 23-year-old said of the other
Rolf Harris: "He's a legend. I fancied a change. Now people I don't even
know come up to me because they've heard what I've done. My parents were a bit
upset at first, but they've come round."
He said the name change was a hit
with the girls, adding: "Lots of them dig it and it certainly breaks the
ice."
But the student admits to being
disappointed by his hero, 76. He said: "I've emailed Rolf to tell him I've
changed my name, but he hasn't replied."
Young Rolf is one of more than 50
people who paid £39 to change to outlandish monikers in 2006. Another 30,000
Brits had more restrained changes.
Mike Barratt, chief executive of UK
Deed Poll Service, said: "It brightens our day when these wacky names come
through."
***********
Goalie offered in exchange for gas
pipeline
A Romanian second division football
team is offering one of its top players in exchange for a gas pipeline.
Cornel Rasmerita, mayor of Lupeni in
western Romania, who is also in charge of the Minerul football team said he was
willing to sell his star goalkeeper Cristian Belgradean to first division team
Jiul.
The deal would be subject to Jiul's
rich businessman owner paying for the construction of a gas pipeline in his
town.
He said: "I know our keeper is
wanted by a number of top clubs but I am willing to let him go to Jiul if the
club's owner makes a £110,000 investment in a gas pipe that my town needs so
much."
Jiul bosses have not responded to
the offer but it is not the first time football players have been exchanged for
goods in Romania.
Previous deals have seen players
swapped for half a pig and two sets of goalposts and a crate of wine.
************
Hamster-powered phone charger
A 16-year-old boy invented a
hamster-powered mobile phone charger as part of his GCSE science project.
Peter Ash, of Lawford, Somerset,
attached a generator to his hamster's exercise wheel and connected it to his
phone charger.
Elvis does the legwork while Peter
charges his phone in an economically and environmentally friendly way.
He came up with the idea after his
sister Sarah complained that Elvis was keeping her awake at night by playing
for hours on his exercise wheel.
"I thought the wheel could be
made to do something useful so I connected a system of gears and a
turbine," he said.
"Every two minutes Elvis spends
on his wheel gives me about thirty minutes talk time on my phone."
The teenage inventor was given a C for his project and has been awarded a D overall for the course.