Subject: Daily Dose - 070307 - More Groaners

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.

Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

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In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.

After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."

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A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tare."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand that neither."

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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

The lady replied, "Yes..."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

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Quick One Liners

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

***

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual."

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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

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A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tired.

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A blonde walks into a store that makes curtains. She says to the clerk, "I would like curtains the size of my computer screen. The clerk says, "Why the size of you computer screen?" The woman replies, "Because I've got windows!"

***

A toothless termite walks into a bar. He looks around and asks, "Is the bartender here"

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A member of the high school science club learned hypnosis, and wanted to share his knowledge, so he taught another member, and she taught another, and so on.

This became know as trancing geek to geek.

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A wealthy and very well dressed financial consultant arrived at his office to fill out his report for the company he was working for.

The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified gentleman left his Porsche with the parking attendant and entered wearing the building wearing his designer business suit. His shoes clicked along the polished floor as he headed for the elevator.

He picked up the paperwork, and strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his fifteen hundred dollar briefcase and sat down at his desk. He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped.

"I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud.

Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers cap toe dress shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well.

The now barefoot consultant then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can.

A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed.

A moment later, the consultant dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively.

Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit and his starched white shirt, and folded them before stuffing them in the garbage as well.

The consultant finally sat down in his underwear and finished his work.

A colleague came in, looked around, saw the stripped consultant and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. “Why did you do this?” he asked in bewilderment.

The formerly well-dressed and impeccably groomed consultant angrily and wearily picked up the paperwork.

“Why didn’t you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly! ALL questions MUST be answered in brief!”

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Man pulls car with ears while standing on eggs

A Chinese man pulled a car with his ears while walking on eggs without breaking them.

Zhang Xingquan, ,38, pulled the car for about 20 metres in Dehui, Jinli province.

His performance drew a big crowd of astonished onlookers.

Zhang said he began to learn the stunt when he was just eight-years-old.

He can also pick up a 25kg bicycle with his mouth while standing on eggs.