Subject: Daily Dose - 070304 - Ass Bleached, True Stella Awards, Old
Hollywood Squares, DDL, Rotten News
Ass Bleached
Two women were having lunch
together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need
to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh
that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies,
"Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!
______________________________
True Stella Awards...
(true frivolous lawsuits)
TESTING, TESTING, 1-2-3(-4-5-6)
by Randy Cassingham
Kelly Davis, 37, of Harvest,
Alabama, likes to play the multi-state Powerball lottery. Alabama is not one of
the 27 states that participates in Powerball, so Davis bought a $1 ticket in
neighboring Tennessee for the April 21, 2004 drawing.
The numbers she played in an
attempt beat the 1 in 146,107,962 odds to win the $90 million jackpot are
reasonably easy to remember: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. Davis was understandably
excited when she called the Tennessee Lottery's Powerball hotline to find out
what numbers were drawn in Iowa that day. She says the recording reported they
were 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.
Dreams of the $90 million
windfall danced in her head. She imagined "I'm paying bills off, taking
care of my parents," Davis said.
But when she called the
lottery's Nashville offices to see about claiming the prize, she was told that
the recording she apparently heard was a system test, not the actual numbers
for the drawing that she had entered, which were 8, 11, 34, 42, 51 and 27.
There was no winning ticket, she was told.
"It's a disappointment
you can't express," Davis said. "Total disappointment." Worse,
she says, "I suffered. I suffered."
No sense in suffering when
your something-for-nothing dreams are shattered: she expressed her
disappointment by hiring Huntsville attorney Clement J. Cartron, who filed a
lawsuit on Davis' behalf in Davidson County (Tenn.) Circuit Court. The suit
requests a jury trial to determine how much Davis should be compensated for her
"short-term physical discomfort and temporary total psychological
injury."
A "temporary total
injury"? Yeah, whatever. That's what the suit says.
The Powerball web site urges
would-be winners to exercise caution. "Every attempt is made to ensure
that this list of numbers is accurate," the site says, but "the
official winning numbers are recorded in the official draw files as certified
by an independent accounting firm. Winning numbers are not official until
confirmed by the auditing firm of LWBJ, LLP."
Indeed, says a Tennessee
Education Lottery spokesman, no ticket can ever be used to claim a prize until
it has been validated by the Lottery, either by an official retailer in the
case of a small-dollar winner, or at TEL headquarters in the case of winnings
of $99,999 or more.
Quite simply, Davis did not
have a winning ticket. The rules are clear, so that's the end of her case. So
why sue?
"I just want them to
step up to the plate and recognize they were negligent," she says, and so
that "the consumer calling in [can] know they're getting the right
information." She says she knows she won't win $90 million from the lawsuit,
but she says a simple apology is just not good enough.
The Lottery makes it clear
that nothing posted to its web site, its voice mail, or other places of
convenience (such as a newspaper) is truly authoritative; no ticket is really a
"winner" until it's verified, and Davis's wasn't verified. Lottery
rules spell out very clearly how one wins. Davis ignored the Lottery's advice
and rules to her own peril.
So who is responsible for her
"disappointment" and "suffering"? That's right: she is. For
her to demand that someone else pay for it is just another symptom of expecting
something for nothing, of being enriched without working, of demanding that
others take responsibility for her. And she wants a court to enforce these pipe
dreams.
But the real question
remains: how in the world did she get a lawyer to go along with the delusion?
______________________________
Old Hollywood Squares
If you remember The Original
Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These
great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and not as dull as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. (Paul Lynde): If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a
parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. (Charley Weaver): Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as
long as 5,000 years.
A. (George Gobel): Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes
Q. You've been having trouble going
to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. (Don Knotts): That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a
stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out
and ask him if he's married?
A. (Rose Marie): No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends
to diminish as you get older?
A. (Charley Weaver): My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more
than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. (Vincent Price): No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It,"
"I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. (George Gobel): I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to
gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. (Rose Marie): You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear
leather?
A. (Paul Lynde): Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to
grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. (Charley Weaver): Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect
score?
A. (Rose Marie): Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to
discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. (Paul Lynde): Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer
in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. (Rose Marie): Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire
Girls?
A. (Marty Allen): Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he
will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. (Paul Lynde): Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two
years, what would you give birth to?
A. (Paul Lynde): Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is
there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. (Charley Weaver): It got me out of the army.
Q While visiting China, your tour
guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. (George Gobel): Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and
neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. (Paul Lynde): Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great
Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. (George Gobel): Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer
period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. (Paul Lynde): Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is
responsible for its sex?
A. (Charley Weaver): I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed
that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two
occasions. What are they?
A. (Charley Weaver): His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what
are two things you should never do in bed?
A. (Paul Lynde): Point and Laugh.
______________________________
DDL
There was a Young Lady of Norway
Who hung by her Heels in a doorway.
She said to her beau:
'Just look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way.'
______________________________
"A new Rocky movie is being
made - Rocky VI. During the filming, Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 years old.
The movie isn't going to be too exciting. The fight scene in the movie he goes
15 rounds with Regis."
--David Letterman
***
"Starbucks says they are going
to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus!
This cup is expensive!'"
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Homeland Security Chief
Michael Chertoff said that he wants to expel all illegal immigrants from the
United States. Which would reduce the population of Los Angeles to 142
people."
--Jay Leno
***
"Our wall clock almost killed
my mother today!" a wife complains. "It fell only seconds after she
got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn
clock always was slow."
***
The only thing that stops God from
sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
--Nicholas Chamfort (1741-1794)
***
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on
his mother's side.
--Stanley Ralph Ross
***
Ink- n. A villainous compound of
tanno-gallate of iron, gum-Arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the
infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime...
--Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
December 31, 2006
Science told: hands off gay sheep
Isabel Oakeshott and Chris Gourlay
Experiments that claim to ‘cure’
homosexual rams spark anger
SCIENTISTS are conducting
experiments to change the sexuality of “gay” sheep in a programme that critics
fear could pave the way for breeding out homosexuality in humans.
The technique being developed by
American researchers adjusts the hormonal balance in the brains of homosexual
rams so that they are more inclined to mate with ewes.
It raises the prospect that pregnant
women could one day be offered a treatment to reduce or eliminate the chance
that their offspring will be homosexual. Experts say that, in theory, the
“straightening” procedure on humans could be as simple as a hormone supplement
for mothers-to-be, worn on the skin like an anti-smoking nicotine patch.
The research, at Oregon State
University in the city of Corvallis and at the Oregon Health and Science
University in Portland, has caused an outcry. Martina Navratilova, the lesbian
tennis player who won Wimbledon nine times, and scientists and gay rights
campaigners in Britain have called for the project to be abandoned.
Navratilova defended the “right” of
sheep to be gay. She said: “How can it be that in the year 2006 a major
university would host such homophobic and cruel experiments?” She said gay men
and lesbians would be “deeply offended” by the social implications of the
tests.
But the researchers argue that the
work is valid, shedding light on the “broad question” of what determines sexual
orientation. They insist the work is not aimed at “curing” homosexuality.
Approximately one ram in 10 prefers
to mount other rams rather than mate with ewes, reducing its value to a farmer.
Initially, the publicly funded project aimed to improve the productivity of
herds.
The scientists have been able to
pinpoint the mechanisms influencing the desires of “male-oriented” rams by
studying their brains. The animals’ skulls are cut open and electronic sensors
are attached to their brains.
By varying the hormone levels,
mainly by injecting hormones into the brain, they have had “considerable
success” in altering the rams’ sexuality, with some previously gay animals
becoming attracted to ewes.
The research is being peer-reviewed
by a panel of scientists in America, demonstrating that it is being taken
seriously by the academic community.
Potentially, the techniques could
one day be adapted for human use, with doctors perhaps being able to offer
parents pre-natal tests to determine the likely sexuality of offspring or a
hormonal treatment to change the orientation of a child.
**********
Animal Sacrifices Maim 1,400 in
Turkey
Dec 31, 12:13 PM (ET)
ANKARA, Turkey (AP) - Over a
thousand Turks spent the first day of the Muslim feast of Eid al-Adha in
emergency wards on Sunday after stabbing themselves or suffering other injuries
while sacrificing startled animals.
At least 1,413 people - referred to
as "amateur butchers" by the Turkish media - were treated at
hospitals across the country, most suffering cuts to their hands and legs, the
Anatolia news agency reported.
Four people were severely injured, crushed
under the weight of large animals that fell on top of them, the agency
reported. Another person was hurt when a crane used to lift an animal tumbled
onto him, the agency said.
Three other people suffered heart
attacks and died while trying to restrain animals, CNN-Turk television
reported.
Muslims sacrifice cows, sheep, goats
and bulls during the four-day religious holiday, a ritual commemorating the
biblical account of God's provision of a ram for Abraham to sacrifice as he was
about to slay his son. They share the meat with friends, family and neighbors
and give part of it to the poor.
Turkish authorities have introduced
fines for those who slaughter animals outside facilities set up by local
municipalities, but many Turks ignored the rules and sacrificed animals in
their backyards or on roadsides.
***********
French demonstrators saw in the New Year - by protesting against it.
People carrying banners reading 'No
to 2007' and 'Now is better' marched through the streets of Nantes.
They called on the United Nations to
stop the 'mad race' of time and declare the indefinite suspension of the
future.
The protest was an attempt to make
fun of French people's apparent fondness of saying no to any kind of change and
as a different way to celebrate the New Year.
When the bells sounded to mark the
start of 2007, they moved on to the next stage of their campaign - chanting 'No
to 2008'.
*************
Beer-drinking duck understands
Chinese
A Chinese man says his beer-drinking
pet duck can understand him.
Grandpa Cao takes six-year-old Yaya
for a walk through Dalian city every day, reports Northeast News Network.
"He understands every
instruction I give him, such as to tumble or to fly. But when he's tired he
turns his back on me," says Cao.
He feeds Yaya on peanuts mainly, but
says he also enjoys shrimp and other sea food as snacks - with a beer.
"When he eats, he needs a bowl
of beer, otherwise he won't be happy," added Cao.
