Subject: Daily Dose - 070303 - Screw or, BIZARRE NEWS, optometrist, rated me a nine, DDL, Rotten News

Screw or...?

Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. for past six months. He soon complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.

Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

She responded, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."

They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!" Once more, she said, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."

After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Woman puts on jeans, stung by scorpion

NAGO, Japan - Health officials in Nago, Japan, said a woman was stung on her leg and finger by a scorpion while trying on jeans at a clothing store.

The officials said specialists were dispatched to the Fashion Center Shimamura and captured the animal, which they believe came from China, where the jeans originated, Mainichi Daily News reported Tuesday.

The Okinawa Prefecture Institute of Health and Environment said the creature -- thought to be a Chinese bark scorpion -- has poison on the tip of its tail but it is not lethal to humans. However, the woman remained in a hospital for five days after the Oct. 26 incident.

Employees of Fashion Center Shimamura said they were not sure how the arachnid ended up inside the jeans. "We will investigate how it crawled inside the jeans and try to prevent a recurrence," one employee said.

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Santa's beard insured

NEW YORK, A professional Santa who appears at Macy's in New York and makes appearances at the homes of many celebrities has an insurance policy protecting his beard.

Brady White, who makes appearances at the homes of Pamela Anderson, Rene Russo, Kirstie Alley and other celebrities, took out a policy on his beard from London specialty insurance company Lloyd's, Insurance Journal reported Wednesday.

"All sorts of things can happen to Santa's beard and I wanted to know that it was protected. Children can be a little rough so it gets tugged and pulled a lot, and then there is the soot and the danger of being singed when I head down the chimneys," White said.

"A natural growth white beard is a valuable business asset to a highly specialized performer like Brady and thus it is exactly the sort of service industry asset protection that Lloyd's specializes in," underwriter Jonathan Thomas said. "With his Hollywood clientele it is unlikely that a fake beard could fool children accustomed to seeing their parents transformed into all manner of characters on the silver screen," he said.

The report did not say for how much White's beard is insured.

***

Vatican soccer team 'impossible'

VATICAN CITY - Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone said Tuesday he was only joking when he said the holy city might form a soccer team.

Bertone, who is known to be a soccer fan, said on Vatican Radio that he had been kidding when he raised the possibility over the weekend, ANSA reported Tuesday. "It was fantasy fun to spread some cheer and maybe fill half a page of the newspapers," he said. "The truth is that it's impossible. I have other things to do than organize a soccer team."

The cardinal had said over the weekend that he would not "exclude the possibility that the Vatican may set up a great soccer team, as good as Roma, Inter Milan, Genoa and Sampdoria, in the future."

Bertone's earlier comments were given credibility by the fact that he had commented on soccer games for local TV stations while he was serving as archbishop of Genoa.

***

Man sues after sex drive boosted

A man from East Bergholt, England, won a suit against his employer after he suffered an injury that he claims increased his sex drive and ruined his marriage.

Stephen Tame said an incident when he fell from a gantry at the bicycle warehouse he worked at in 2002 caused severe sexual disinhibition that has strained his relationship with his wife, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

Judge Michael Harris must decide how much is owed to Tame by Professional Cycling Marketing. Tame's legal team is asking the judge for about $6.9 million.

Tame, who was married right months before the accident, claims the incident has caused him to become rude and physically aggressive. Tame, a devout Christian, said his sexual urges have caused him to use pornography and visit a prostitute.

"Mr. Tame has a presentation which can be described as 'fatuous euphoria' and has been significantly disinhibited sexually and a significant question has arisen in relation to Mr. and Mrs. Tame's marriage," said Bill Braithwaite, Tame's lawyer.

"The sexual side of their life is pretty troubled and unfortunately reveals a visit to a prostitute recently."

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We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'

***

I was meeting a friend in a hotel bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

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DDL

A rabbi, a priest and a nun,
In a New Orleans brothel were stunned -
For the nun changed profession,
Padre took her confession,
And the rabbi cried "Oi Vay! What fun!"

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"Right here in New York City over the weekend two dozen sumo wrestlers were in town over at Madison Square Garden. It was nice to have the sumo wrestlers this time of the year in New York City. When the weather gets cool you just don't see enough shirtless fat guys."
--Dave Letterman

***

"Volvo has announced it has come out with a car designed specifically for women. The new Volvo is just like other cars, but the top comes down after three beers."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger is not happy with President Bush for visiting this close to the special election coming up, did you hear about this? Apparently they had words with each other, but between Bush's english and Arnold's accent, no one could understand what they said."
--Jay Leno

***

"Earlier today, President Bush met with the head of one of Iraq's Shiite political parties. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked him 'Are you the Shiite Head?'"
--Conan O'Brien

***

"Scientists say they have discovered a cure for erectile dysfunction that involves only one needle injection into the penis. A spokesperson for men said, 'Get back to us when it requires zero injections in the penis.'"
--Conan O'Brien

***

"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner."
- Aristophanes

***

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."
- P. J. O'Rourke

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Rotten News....  (true)

Mobile Home Owners Could Become Instant Millionaires

POSTED: 3:06 pm EST January 2, 2007

BRINY BREEZES, Fla. --

Joke all you want about living in a mobile home. A group of Floridians in Briny Breezes doing just that may soon be having the last laugh -- all the way to the bank.

Their community sits on oceanfront land just south of Palm Beach. It's the kind of land that makes developers drool -- so much so that an offer is on the table that could make the trailer owners overnight millionaires.

The nearly 500 owners have until next week to decide whether to accept or reject a $510 million offer. A two-thirds majority is needed.

Many residents are all for it -- like the guy who paid $37,000 for his trailer nine years ago and would now make about $800,000. But several said they'll be sorry to see their little community go.

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Tourists ask strange questions

Staff at tourism agency VisitBritain were left scratching their heads at some of the questions posed to them last year.

They included: "Are there any lakes in the Lake District?" And: "Is Wales closed during the winter?"

At the Britain & London Visitor Centre on Regent Street in London's West End one visitor wanted to know: "What is the entry fee for Brighton?"

Another asked: "Do you have any information on Samantha Fox?"

One tourist wanted to know: "Why on earth did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?"

Another asked: "Can you tell me who performs at the circus in Piccadilly?"

Other geographically-challenged queries included: "What Tube line runs to Edinburgh?"

Encounters could be just as strange north of the border at the help centres of VisitScotland, where questions from tourists included: "Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?"

Other questions posed to VisitScotland staff included: "Can you tell me where the mountain is in Scotland?", and "Are there any Sheena Easton museums in Glasgow?".

Best of all, one tourist asked: "What time of night does the Loch Ness monster surface and who feeds it?"

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Crazy stunt wins Darwin Award

Two students who died after climbing into a huge helium-filled balloon for the 'buzz' of inhaling the gas have been named the winners of the 2006 Darwin Awards.

Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman, both 21, were discovered with their feet sticking out of a deflated balloon used to advertise property in LakeView, South Florida.

The two apparently pulled the balloon out of the sky and squeezed themselves inside, where they died of oxygen starvation.

The awards are named in honour of Charles Darwin and given out every year to people 'who have improved the gene pool by removing themselves from it'. This year's runner-up was a man who flew his copper wire-bound kite during a thunder storm. The 26-year-old, from Belize, died after the kite sent a fatal bolt of lightning through his body. He was an electrician.

In third place was a Brazilian who tried to dismantle a rocket-propelled grenade by driving back and forth over it with his car. When the weapon failed to break up, he attacked it with a sledgehammer. The explosion killed him and destroyed six cars and his workplace.

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Beer launching fridge

A US inventor has come up with a fridge that throws cold cans of beer to lazy drinkers.

John Cornwell spent £1,500 creating the Beer Launching Fridge, reports the Mirror.

And his invention is attracting lots of interest since videos of it in action were posted on www.metacafe.com.

The fridge is activated by a remote control which sets off a lift mechanism in the fridge.

The lift delivers the can to an electronic catapult, which rotates until it is lined up with its thirsty target.

It then hurls the beer up to 10ft to the drinker. It can hold a full 24-can crate - 10 beers in its magazine and 14 more in reserve.

John, 22, who has just graduated from university in North Carolina, said: "The idea was conceived when I was sitting on the sofa having a few beers.

"I thought, 'What if instead of me going to get the beer, the beer came to me?'

"About three months later I have a fully automated, remote-controlled, catapulting, beer-launching mini-fridge.

"There is a slight danger of being hit in the head with a flying can but this danger decreases the more you use it."