Subject: Daily Dose - 070227 - Jim and Bob, THIS is TRUE, Eats anything, DDL, Rotten News

Jim and Bob

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron... You can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"!

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THIS is TRUE...

MAYDAY! WE'RE GOING DOWN! American Airlines Flight 1053, heading from Reagan National airport in Washington, D.C., toward Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas, made an emergency landing in Nashville, Tenn., after passengers reported smelling an unusual odor. The FBI responded and agents questioned passengers: the odor was traced to a passenger who lit matches to cover up the stink of her flatulence. She was not allowed to reboard the plane. "American has banned her for a long time," an airport spokeswoman said. The woman was not charged with a crime, even though it is illegal to strike a match on an airliner. (Nashville Tennessean)
...But remember, kids: being a federal agent isn't always as glamorous as this.

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COMPENSATION CULTURE: Britain feels very sorry for its prison inmates. A total of 198 inmates who were imprisoned and had to go through "cold turkey" withdrawal from heroin and other drugs sued the government, claiming the withdrawal was "assault". They also argued "trespass" since they did not consent to not being allowed to use drugs in prison. Because government lawyers predicted the government would lose the cases, the Home Office awarded each of the inmates up to 5,000 pounds (US$9,800) to settle the suits. (London Times)
...It's not likely to happen again: with that kind of windfall, surely most of them will overdose within hours of cashing the cheques.

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CONTEMPT OF COURT: Devin K. Hoerauf, 19, was in court in Rockville, Md., to answer to multiple robbery charges. When he stood up from the defense table, something fell out of his pocket: a bag full of marijuana. His lawyer quickly jumped to his defense: "He is brain-damaged, your honor," she said. "I don't mean he's just a defendant who does dumb stuff. This is a boy with an IQ in triple digits. His brain is glued together with Silly Putty. He can't think his way out of a paper bag, but he can do physics." The lawyer, Gwyn Hoerauf, apparently knows: she's the defendant's mother. The jury, who did not witness the drug incident, convicted the teen on four robbery counts. (Washington Post)
...A high IQ, but can't think his way out of a paper bag? Classic symptoms of long-term drug use.

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BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE: Derrick Leigh Hardy, 21, said he didn't know what else to do: The Alberton, P.E.I., Canada, man was watching his girlfriend's 10-month-old daughter, and the girl had a fever. Admitting he has "no real parenting skills," he decided to put the baby in the freezer. He claimed the baby was only in the freezer for 40 seconds when his girlfriend came home, but a doctor said he found "transient" frostbite on the girl. Hardy has been found guilty of assault and "unlawfully confining" the infant, but was cleared of causing bodily harm because there were no permanent injuries. He will be sentenced next month. (Charlottetown Guardian)
...Until then, of course, he'll be sitting in the cooler.

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ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT'S THE SOURCE OF THE FLAVOR: "E. Coli Could Hurt Taco Bell Sales"
-- AP headline

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Like most puppies, mine is not finicky about what he puts in his mouth. He Eats anything. But the day he swallowed a quarter, I panicked and called the vet.

"What should I do?" I pleaded over the phone.

My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, "Swallowing a quarter is nothing to worry about. But if he does it again and a can of pop shoots out of his rear, give me a call."

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DDL

Said a certain delightful old nut:
"I guess I am just in a rut,
Made of breasts and of lips,
And vaginas and hips,
And sometimes a well-rounded butt."

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Studying the Oregon Commercial Motor Vehicle manual afforded me the opportunity to learn this important driving factoid: "According to accident reports, the vehicle that trucks and buses most often run into is the one in front of them."

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I said, "Just wait."

--Judy Tenuta

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President Bush was at a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia this week where he spoke out in favor of alternative fuels. Bush said he's all for alternative fuels as long as they don't try to get married.
--Jay Leno

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I don't really see what the fun in watching drag racing is. Sure, it's funny to watch grown men run down the street in high heels and a dress, but other than that, it's boring

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I disagree with my psychiatrist's assertion that I'm depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I'm pretty sure the real reason is: My life sucks.

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The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."

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Rotten News....  (true)

January 4, 2007 

Man suing makers of 'America's Funniest Home Videos'

By MIKE OLIVEIRA, The Canadian Press

(CP) - A truck driver and part-time Santa Claus from Moncton, N.B., is suing the makers of the television show "America's Funniest Home Videos" because his bid for the US$100,000 grand prize was allegedly thwarted by a policy that forbids Canadians from voting.

Jim Nowlan collected US$10,000 the first time the show - which features video clips submitted by viewers competing to win hefty cash prizes - aired his Christmas home movie. It featured Nowlan, dressed as Santa Claus, shaking awake his young granddaughter.

"Her eyes almost popped out of her head," Nowlan, 51, said in an interview Thursday. "I knew as soon as I sent it in I was going to win. It was priceless."

Nowlan and his family were invited back to compete against the rest of the season's winners for the $100,000 grand prize, which is awarded during the show's season finale and determined by viewers and fans who cast ballots on the Internet.

But it wasn't until the Nowlans booked time off work, flew to California, and got ready to go on the air that they realized Canadians were not allowed to vote - a policy Nowlan alleges put him at a huge and unfair disadvantage.

"We were bamboozled into believing we had a shot at this," he said. "We won the $10,000, we saw what we were competing against for the $100,000, and we figured, 'We're going to win, easy."'

In a lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, Nowlan alleges he was misled into believing that his Canadian friends, supporters and compatriots would be allowed to vote for his video, giving him a legitimate shot at the jackpot.

The show's production company, Vin Di Bona Productions, "arbitrarily (does) not allow the friends and neighbours of Canadian contestants (to) vote for them," the lawsuit alleges.

"But if you are an American citizen you can be voted for by your friends, neighbours and townsmen. This is discriminative behaviour toward Canadian contestants and patrons of the show."

Nowlan said the show's producers must have really loved the video because it has aired several times since it first appeared.

"I get calls from my friends all the time saying, 'Jim, you've been on there again,"' he said. "It's a great video, it's absolutely adorable."

"America's Funniest Home Videos" premiered on Jan. 14, 1990, and has received more than half a million videos since then, giving away more than US$9 million in its 17 seasons.

"I realize I'm going up against (a) multimillion-dollar (company), but what they did was wrong and they can't get away with it," Nowlan said.

"'America's Funniest Home Videos' discriminates against Santa Claus because he's Canadian? I'm sorry, that doesn't hold any water."

Vin Di Bona Productions could not be immediately reached for comment.

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Black tape red tape

Black tape is being stuck on civil servants' desks to show them where to put their keyboard and pens - at a cost of £7million.

Union officials slammed the efficiency drive as "madness" and added: "It's demoralising and demeaning."

Workers at the National Insurance offices in Longbenton, North Tyneside, were picked for the pilot project.

The Public and Commercial Services Union's Kevin McHugh said: "This office has been open for 60 years and people have managed to find their pens and staplers without consultants helping them in that time.

The black-tape project is part of the nationwide Lean programme, run by consultants Unipart, which has already required staff to move their personal belongings off desks.

The PCSU said: "We had a situation in Scotland where staff were asked, 'Is that banana on your desk active or inactive?' meaning were they going to eat it? If not, it had to be cleared away. It's madness."

But a HM Revenue and Customs spokesman said: "Lean is all about how we can work more efficiently to deliver an even better service to customers."

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420mph cabbie!

A Welsh cab driver says he was shocked when he was accused him of speeding at 420mph.

Tom Matthews was in his 12-year-old Vauxhall Cavalier in Newport when he was caught by a speed camera.

When the £60 fine and three penalty points arrived, the recorded speed was 420mph - in a 30mph zone.

He told the Sun: "I drive an old Cavalier - not a jumbo jet. According to this, I've broken the land speed record."

He added: "There has been a printing error. If they insist I was going that fast I should be a Grand Prix driver - I'm wasted in taxis."

Mid and South Wales Safety Camera Partnership apologised and blamed "an employee processing error".

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A rug made from a pelt with a representation of Adolph Hitler from the Israeli artist Boaz Arad at the Nazi Hunter's Room, as part of his exhibit at the Tel Aviv Center for Contemporary Art.

The Hitler rug is a representation of what a Nazi hunter would do if he caught the ultimate prize, the Nazi leader, the artist said.(AP Photo/Emilio Morenatti)