Subject: Daily Dose - 070219 - scoring, THIS is TRUE, revival request, DDL,
Rotten News
A bloke was complaining to his mate
a few days after scoring a new woman.
"Mate," he said,
"This new lady of mine is really weird. All she wants me to do is screw
her in the ear."
"That is weird," his mate
replied.
"Yeah," the bloke
continued. "Every time I go to stick my dick in her mouth, she turns her
head."
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
SO MUCH FOR THE HIGH GROUND: After
"Seinfeld" regular Michael Richards screamed racial epithets at two
hecklers at a comedy club in West Hollywood, Calif., he "went to look for
them, [but] they had gone," he said. "I've tried to meet them, to
talk to them, to get some healing." So where did Frank McBride and Kyle
Doss go? To Gloria Allred, a civil rights lawyer. She complains Richards
"has not apologized to his victims directly, face to face, man to
man." But then again, she said, "Our clients were vulnerable.... He
singled them out and he taunted them, and he did it in a closed room where they
were captive." Therefore, she says, "It's not enough to say 'I'm
sorry'." She thus suggests Richards should meet with McBride and Doss
before a retired judge, who would suggest monetary compensation as a way to
avoid a lawsuit. (AP)
...Available for a reasonable price: McBride and Doss's dignity. Already sold
for less: Allred's dignity.
***
TRUTH IN LABELING: The Black
Mountains Smokery at Crickhowell, in Powys, Wales, has received notice that it
must change the name of one of its smoked meat products to comply with labeling
laws. "Welsh Dragon" is not an appropriate name, the company was
told, because the meat in the sausage is pork, not dragon. "I don't think
any of our customers believe that we use dragon meat in our sausages,"
complained proprietor Jon Carthew. "We use the word because the dragon is
synonymous with Wales," and pork is clearly listed in the ingredients. No
matter, says the Powys County Council. "The product [name] was not
sufficiently precise to inform a purchaser of the true nature of the food,"
a spokesman said. (London Times)
...The name "Powys County Council" is not sufficiently precise to
inform the public of the true nature of its function. From here on, it will
have to be "Powys Nanny Council".
***
MAKING AN ASS OF THEMSELVES: The
Rev. Jason Armstrong of the First Free Methodist Church in Anchorage, Alaska,
was mighty confused by the e-mailed complaint he received from the People for
the Ethical Treatment of Animals. PETA's memo complained about the church's
"live nativity" and lectured him about the "cruel treatment and
danger" animals receive when being forced to perform in displays. But the
church's use of the term "live nativity" refers to the volunteer
church members who are standing in the cold; no animals are used in the
display. "A lot of folks will think we're plastic statues till one of us
moves," Armstrong said. "We've never had live animals. We have some
puppet camel things we put out. We have a cow hood thing that a person will
wear that actually just looks spooky." (Anchorage Daily News)
...Hey, wait: is this a Christmas nativity or a Halloween "hell
house"?
***
POLITICAL EXPERIENCE: Accountant
Doug Milliken ran for Arapahoe County (Colo.) Treasurer on a platform of
"empower[ing] families to save their home when faced with foreclosure,"
and bragged that he has master's degrees in both accounting and financial
management. But the day before winning the election, Milliken's mortgage
company foreclosed on his house for "failure to make timely payments"
and is selling the house at auction the day before he is sworn in. Doesn't the
foreclosure disqualify him? On the contrary: "It's just amazing that I
have some personal experience," Milliken said. (Rocky Mountain News)
...By that logic, voters might want to consider a drunk driving bank robber for
sheriff.
***
FILL 'ER UP! "Drunk Man Tried
to Get Gas at Nuke Plant: Police"
-- Tinley Park (Ill.) Daily Southtown headline
______________________________
During a January revival an
evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for
his hearing.
The evangelist took his finger, put
it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your
hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know,
it's not until next Tuesday."
______________________________
DDL
These dreary cold days of November
Have given me cause to remember
That although I'm depressed,
In a way, I've been blessed -
At least I've a month 'til December.
I've never been fond of cold
weather;
I can do without snow altogether.
When the geese fly due south
I get down in the mouth...
I guess that we're birds of a feather.
So picture me snug in my bed,
The covers pulled over my head.
Avoiding the winter -
The frosty tormenter -
And dreaming of summer instead.
______________________________
"I'm very proud to say that
everyone in our audience is a member of the United States military. We have the
Marines, the Air Force, the Coastguard, the Army, the Navy...the only ones not
here are members of the elite Delta Force, they are in Malibu rescuing Britney
Spears' baby from the front seat of his mom's car. The baby is locked in
backwards."
--Jay Leno
***
"Senator Hillary Clinton is
being criticized because she recently called today's college kids 'lazy' and
'uninformed.' A spokesperson for college kids said, 'Whatever, lady from
TV.'"
--Conan O'Brien
***
"President Bush addressed the
United States about immigration. This was odd. During the speech, he laid out
his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes."
--David Letterman
***
"Time" has named former
Presidents Bush and Clinton the partners of the year. These two are now so
close they're thinking about making a cowboy movie."
--Dave Letterman
***
"The federal government has
asked that people not return to New Orleans yet because the city still is not
safe. The government then went on to say the same thing about Detroit,
Cleveland and Newark."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Over the weekend President
Bush said that he's afraid the United States has an image problem in the Middle
East. An image problem? New Jersey has an image problem, we have a
dilemma."
--Jay Leno
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Woman's funeral shock
An Austrian woman discharged herself
from hospital to find out why her family did not visit her over Christmas to
find them arranging her funeral.
A hospital mix-up had led to
Herzlinde Eissler's family being wrongly told that she had died. The
64-year-old had been admitted to the hospital in Mistelbach in Lower Austria
with stomach pains.
Her son Leopold Eissler, 39, said he
had gone to visit his mother shortly before Christmas only to be told she was
dead and had then spent the festive period organising her funeral.
He said: "I'm not sure whether
to be delighted because my mother is alive or furious that they could have made
such a mistake at the hospital. At least it explains why they could not find
the body when we wanted to pay our last respects.
"I could not believe it when
she walked in through the front door and the whole family were all sitting
around dressed in black and planning the funeral."
**********
290,000% profit on house
A family who paid 50p for their
house have sold it for £145,000.
Salik Uddin took advantage of a
giveaway by his council in North Benwell, Newcastle, in 1999.
Houses were offered for 50p because
they were in a crime-plagued area.
Since then crime has dropped by a
third, reports the Sun.
Salik said: "Our house was
worth nothing. I can't believe what it costs now."
***********
Country for sale - £65m
A country is up for sale to anyone
who can stump up the £65 million asking price.
The Principality of Sealand is a
self-proclaimed mini-state on a former Second World War fort, seven miles off
Harwich, Essex.
It has its own passports, currency
and stamps, reports the Daily Telegraph.
Sealand became an independent state
after ''Prince" Roy Bates occupied it with his family in 1967.
The Royal Navy was sent to evict him
but Bates saw them off with warning shots. A judge later ruled that, as Sealand
lay outside the three-mile limit, it was outside government control.
Now the nation, which experienced a
devastating fire last year, has been put up for sale through Spanish estate
agents Inmonaranja.
Anyone who takes on a stake in
Sealand, says the brochure, will "be able to share in and become part of
the history of the most famous and oldest micro-nation in the world".
************
Bikini reminds sunbathers to turn
over
A bikini which reminds sunbathers to
turn over so they don't get burnt has been launched in Britain.
The Tan-Timer Bikini has an
electronic timer that beeps every 15 minutes to remind its wearer to roll over
or seek shade.
The manufacturers hope it will
appeal to the 59% of beachgoers who admit to a tendency to falling asleep in
the sun.
The £20 bikini is going on sale in
New Look stores, the country's third biggest women's clothes retailer.
Hash Ladha, the marketing director
of New Look, said: "As well as the health implication of over-exposing
your skin to the sun, burnt or peeling skin is not a good look for the image
conscious."
A New Look spokeswoman said a male
version could be on the cards for the future.