Subject: Daily Dose - 070218 - Truck Driver, BIZARRE NEWS, road less
traveled, two pints, DDL, Rotten News
Truck Driver
The greatest truck driver in the
world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down.
All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He
came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.
"Hello," he says,
"I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I
wonder could I have a bed for the night?"
"Well," says the farmer,
"there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter
in the other."
"Look, I'm the greatest truck
driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will
be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world.
"All right," says the
farmer, and they all went to bed.
At four in the morning, the farmer
heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked
in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his
daughter, with his bare ass going up and down.
He went down stairs and loaded the
shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck
driver in the world's asshole. "All right," he says, "if you're
the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a
full load."
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre (and Stupid) Criminals
Washington D.C. - A convict broke
out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his
girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She
needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name
and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over
the lunch hour.
Ionia, Michigan - When two service
station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the
man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the
police and was arrested.
Radnor, Pennsylvania - Police
interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.
Toronto, Canada - A gas station
attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man
had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who
later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face
through one of the leg-holes so he could see.
Modesto, CA - Steven Richard King
was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed
to keep his hand in his pocket.
Virginia Beach - A bank robber in
Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money
exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen
hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with
an explosion taking place inside his pants."
Los Angeles, California - Police in
Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat
the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
***
Valuable Whale Vomit Makes a Great
Gift
MONTAUK, N.Y. - A mysterious gift
given to a Montauk, N.Y., woman from her sister might be a valuable piece of
petrified whale vomit, experts said. Dorothy Ferreira said the four-pound item,
which might be worth as much as $18,000, was given to her by her sister, The
New York Times reported Monday.
"I called my sister and asked
her, 'What the heck did you send me?'" Ferreira said. "She said: 'I
don't know, but I found it on the beach in Montauk 50 years ago and just kept
it around. You're the one who lives by the ocean. Ask someone out there what it
is.'"
Walter Galcik, an expert on such
matters, examined the unattractive lump and concluded it might very well be
ambergris, a valuable perfume ingredient created in the intestines of sperm
whales and vomited into the ocean.
"He told me, 'Don't let this
out of your sight,'" she said.
However, selling the item could
prove troublesome for Ferreira. Endangered species legislation passed in the
1970s complicates the process of trading in ambergris. An Australian couple who
found $300,000 worth of the substance on a beach has faced multiple legal
challenges in their attempts to sell it.
***
On-line Shrines Under Problems in
Japan
TOKYO - Virtual visits to shrines
are under scrutiny in Japan, with some saying that online visits to shrines
lack spirituality and undermine sanctity.
The Association of Shinto Shrines in
Tokyo issued a notice last summer that "No Shinto god exists on the
Internet." The notice came as more shrines are providing online services,
the Yomiuri Shimbun reported.
Advocates of online shrines have
argued that just because a visit is virtual, that does not mean it lacks
spirituality. Many argue that an online service makes it easier to access a
shrine from a remote area or from a sick bed.
One chief priest of a shrine that
provides online services told the Shimbun that online visits often lead to
actual visits.
***
Warning: You're Fat
Naveed Sattar, a professor in the
U.K. stated this week in The British Medical Journal that health warning labels
should be placed on larger sized clothing. By telling those who wear these
sized clothes of the health risks that correspond with their size, he hopes to
educate the public in what he calls an obesity crisis.
According to the British Medical
Journal, more than half of the population is obese, and Sattar says that there
should be political intervention. The labels would be sewn into all clothes
with waist sizes over 37 inches for boys or 31 inches for girls. Women's
clothes over size 16 would also get a label.
The label would include a warning
complete with help-line numbers.
***
Mannequins in Need of Driver's
Licenses
SIDMOUTH, England. The East Devon
District Council in England said two mannequins used to collect charity
donations may have to cease their work because they lack licenses.
A resident of Sidmouth complained to
the council that the mannequins, nicknamed Sid and Alma, act illegally by
collecting donations for the local lifeboat without the proper collector's
license required by law, The Daily Mail reported Monday. A spokesman for the
council said an investigation is underway to determine the legality of the
dummies' charity work.
Sidmouth Lifeboat Secretary Philip
Churchill said the complaints are "absurd." "The dummies are
incredibly important to us and provide a significant part of our income,"
he told the Daily Mail. "If they went, we would have extreme difficulties
replacing that income. We rely on these collections. "Visitors have their
photographs taken with them they are a tourist attraction."
______________________________
My English professor was stopped for
speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost:
"I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
"But, Miss," replied the
officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less
traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn't it."
***
Two fellows stopped into an English
pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an
argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart
or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a
quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and
soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and
the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss
would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the
other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called
back, "two pints."
______________________________
DDL
A nubile young Nubian nun
Raised up her black habit for fun
But though she was bare
Under, no-one knew where
Nude nun ended and habit begun.
______________________________
"I love those signs along the
highway that say, 'Litter Removal Next 2 Miles.' That's when I start chucking
my trash out the window."
--Scott Wood
***
"The sure way to tell if a man
is a bachelor is to check his silverware. If it's chewed up from going through
the garbage disposal a few times, he's for real."
--Nick Arnette
***
"I got a postcard from my
gynecologist. It said, 'Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?' No.
But now my postman does."
--Cathy Ladman
***
"I am not sure if President
Bush fully grasps the economic issue. Like he was asked today if he has any
plans to make the dollar stronger? And he said we were thinking of making it
two-ply."
--Jay Leno
***
My wife clipped a job listing out of
the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise.
It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."
***
Long, unproductive meetings are
often the bane of corporate life. My very funny boss at the software company
where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut
business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. There
comes a time when he announces, "All those opposed to my plan say, 'I
resign.'" End of meeting.
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Returned Soldier Finds Belongings
Sold
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
(01-09) 12:02 PST Springfield, Mo.
(AP) --
After serving a year in Iraq, Army
Reserve Spc. Patrick Rogalin came home and found that everything he had put in
a storage locker — essentially everything he owned — had been sold.
Several payments for the locker had
bounced because someone emptied his checking account while he was gone.
"It's really insulting, after
all I went through over there serving my country, to come back and have to deal
with this," Rogalin said.
Rogalin, 20, said he put his
belongings into a Public Storage unit near St. Louis before shipping out and
set up automatic payments with the company. But while he was in Iraq, he said,
someone accessed his checking account and cleaned it out.
After learning of the problem from
his bank, Rogalin opened a different account and resumed making payments to
Public Storage.
"When I got back I called
Public Storage to find out the status of my account and they told me the
contents of my storage container had been auctioned off in June because the
bill hadn't been paid," he said.
Rogalin said Public Storage never
told him his account was in trouble, or that everything he owned — clothes,
books, electronic gear, furniture and other property — was going to be sold.
Ron Ramler, regional vice president
of Public Storage, said company policy prevented him from talking about
Rogalin's case.
Rogalin said his contract with
Public Storage, based in Glendale, Calif., says the company is liable for
losses up to $5,000, but he said the company offered him only $2,000 and an
apology. Rogalin estimates his belongings were worth $8,000.
"I called them back and told
them this isn't anywhere near right," Rogalin said. "They upped their
offer to $2,500 and gave me seven days to accept it or get nothing."
**********
'Cannabis' evidence brings more
charges
By Jade Bilowol
January 09, 2007 03:29pm
A MAN who took a cannabis plant into
a Brisbane court to use as "evidence" in his drugs case racked up
more charges as a result.
Peter Till, 39, of Nimbin in
northern NSW, appeared in Brisbane Magistrates Court charged with possessing a
dangerous drug.
Security officers said they seized
the 50cm cannabis plant at a screening machine in the Brisbane Magistrates
Court's foyer yesterday.
Mr Till said the plant was
"evidence" for a court appearance.
After the plant was seized, he still
faced court on drug charges stemming from his arrest in October last year for
allegedly smoking a cannabis cigarette in the city's Queen Street Mall.
Despite pleading not guilty, the
magistrate found otherwise and fined him $600. Police then took him into
custody before he appeared in court today.
Outside court, Mr Till said he had
been fined at least 15 times over drug-related offences in Queensland and NSW
courts during the past few years. But he said he prided himself on not paying
one fine and authorities should legalise cannabis for a raft of reasons, mainly
medicinal.
He denied he was asking for trouble
bringing the plant into the court.
"I don't give a rats, I believe
in it, I know it helps me, right?
********
Officials paint mountain green
Local government officials in China
have been criticised for spraypainting a barren mountain face green.
Laoshou mountain, near Fumin in
Yunnan province, was left an eyesore by quarrying.
But instead, of re-foresting the
mountainside, foresty officials hired seven workers for 45 days to spraypaint
it green.
Nearby villagers have been driven
from their homes by the strong smell of paint, reports City Times.
They claim the workers told them the
work was being done to improve the view from a newly-built government building.
Local businessman Huang said:
"At first I was glad to see the green mountain, thinking the government
was paying more attention to the environment.
"But then I noticed the great
contrast with the surrounding mountains."
Another villager complained:
"We thought the workers were here to spray pesticides before planting
saplings. But it turned out to be green paint."
