Subject: Daily Dose - 070217 - Two of Those, THIS is TRUE, Y in the road,
DDL, Rotten News
Two of Those
The telephone lineman had been out
drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling to
good. At the first pole that he had to work on, he climbed to the top and as he
took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped it so, he had to climb all
the way down to retrieve it , as he got to the bottom of the pole and was
picking up his pliers, a small boy was there and said to the lineman, "My
daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't
have to climb down the pole after the pliers that you dropped".
The lineman tried to ignore the boy
and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to
drive in a large nail, and as he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the
ground and again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he
slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was there and said.
"My daddy is a lineman and he would have carried two hammers so if he had
lost one he wouldn't have to climb down".
This irritated the lineman, but he
ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no
sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from
the pole and goes over to the brushes to take a leak, as he was going he saw
the little boy watching him through the brushes. He had it and says to the boy
"I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"
The boy replied, "No, but his
would make two of yours".
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
IGNORANCE IS BLISS: When a recent
issue of the "Red & Black", the student newspaper at Hillsborough
High School in Tampa, Fla., was distributed, there was a hole in one page. A
note stapled to every copy said a story was pulled because it was "inappropriate".
Uh oh, students talking about sex again? Nope: it was a report that the state's
Education Department had rated the school deficient in meeting the requirements
of the federal No Child Left Behind Act -- based on data obtained online.
"If it's something that has a potential to hurt students' self
esteem," explained Principal William Orr, "then I have an obligation
not to let that happen." (St Petersburg Times)
...The students' self esteem, or the staff's self esteem?
***
WHY I NEVER! Circus magnate P.T.
Barnum never said "There's a sucker born every minute," says Fred R.
Shapiro, a librarian at Yale University and the editor of the new "Yale
Book of Quotations". Civil War Admiral David Farragut never said
"Damn the Torpedoes! Full Speed Ahead" either. During his famous ride
Paul Revere likely didn't say "The British are coming" but rather
"The Redcoats are coming." Yet all of those sayings are part of the
American lexicon and cultural heritage. Shapiro just wants to set the record straight,
correcting generations of historical wordsmithing. "War is hell," he
says, was not coined by U.S. Civil war Gen. William T. Sherman, but rather
Napoleon. Sherman adapted it to "There is many a boy here today who looks
on war as all glory, but boys it is all hell," which is why no one can
remember it. And by the way, Freud never said "Sometimes a cigar is just a
cigar," Shapiro says. (Reuters)
...Close, but no cigar.
***
I DON'T LIKE THOSE ODDS: The
Canadian Broadcasting Company looked into who has won the Ontario lottery. The
biggest winners: ticket sellers and others who work for the lottery. Since
1999, 214 "insiders" have won C$50,000 or more. The odds of that? One
in a trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, said Jeffrey Rosenthal, a
University of Toronto professor who studied the lottery results. The Ontario
Lottery Corporation rejects the conclusions of the analysis. "Ontario is a
leader in lottery security," a spokeswoman insists. (Toronto Globe and
Mail)
...Which, if true, says plenty about other lotteries.
***
THE NAME OF THE GAME: The City of
Chesapeake, Va., "The City that Cares", has been trying for 10 years
to get the domain name chesapeake.com, but couldn't because someone else had
beat them to it. "I didn't really ever think we would get it," said
city Public Communications Coordinator Lizz Gunnufsen of the more natural
domain for its web site, now at cityofchesapeake.net, but she kept trying.
Finally, Aspen Technology, which owned the domain, got tired of the pestering
and gave it to the city for free. Once ownership was transferred, the city
council sold the domain to Oklahoma-based natural gas producer Chesapeake
Energy Corp. for $120,000. (Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot)
...Their new slogan: "The City's that's Crass".
***
THANKSGIVING WEEK SPECIAL: "Man
Denies Intent in Turkey's Death"
-- Rutland (Vt.) Herald headline
______________________________
The map her friend had drawn
indicated that the client, a country vet she was to see, lived in the second
farm past Yin road. Try as she might, the vet could not find a Yin Road
anywhere! Exasperated, she finally stopped to ask directions.
She stopped and asked at the next
farm. "I ain't never heard of no Yin Road." said the
farmer. "But ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy, he's lived
'round here for better 'n 70 years."
"Thanks," replied the vet.
"Where can I find him?"
"He lives on the second farm
past the Y in the road."
______________________________
DDL
A policeman from Nottingham Junction,
Whose organ had long ceased to function,
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
______________________________
"Earlier this week in France a
62-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room and 350 coins were removed
from his stomach. Friends say that the worst part was having to watch him make
change for a dollar."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"You know you're getting old
when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow THIS
out.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
***
"I bet if you were in some old
west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground with your horse, it'd
probably make you really made to look back and see him reading a
magazine."
--Jack Handey
***
"Louisiana Congressman, William
Jefferson...wasn't he married to Wheezy? He was videotaped accepting a $100,000
bribe, said he will not resign even though FBI agents found 90,000 of it in his
freezer. In Washington, that's known as a 'bribe-sicle'."
--Jay Leno
***
"'The Da Vinci Code' made $74
million over the weekend. It came in just behind a gas station out in
Queens."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Even though it's a little bit
controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national
language. The president says making English our national language is not
'discriminatious.'"
--Conan O'Brien
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Breast-boosting beer
European men are flocking to
Bulgaria to buy 'breast-boosting beer' after EU accession led to customs duties
on the drink being abolished.
The millet-ale called Boza which is
made from fermented wheat flour and yeast is being snapped up by bar owners,
shopkeepers and shoppers from across Europe. They are said to be keen for their
wives and girlfriends to benefit from its reported ability to make women's
breasts grow.
Constantin Barbu crossed the Danube
from Romania to buy Boza in the Bulgarian border town of Ruse.
He said: "I've bought a case
for my wife to try out. I really hope I see an improvement."
And Austrian landlord Klaus Schmidt
from the ski resort of Schladming said he was planning a trip soon.
He added: "I had heard of Boza
before but it was always so expensive once the tax was added. But now that's
gone I'm going to start offering the drink to my après-ski customers."
**********
Cop punished for trying to fine
cricket star
Fri Jan 12, 3:48 AM ET
NEW DELHI (Reuters) - An Indian
traffic policeman has been transferred for trying to fine one of the country's
biggest cricket stars, not realising that celebrities are sometimes above the
law, newspapers reported on Friday.
Inspector Saifuddin Ahmed thought he was just doing his job when he stopped an
expensive sports car in the eastern city of Ranchi for having dark tinted
windows -- an offence in India.
But sitting behind those windows was
cricketer Mahendra Singh Dhoni, one of India's hottest celebrities and a hero
in his home state of Jharkhand, of which Ranchi is the capital.
Early reports said an unfazed Ahmed
insisted Dhoni hand over the 900-rupee fine (10 pounds).
Local police have since
back-pedalled, saying Dhoni was allowed to drive on after waving a letter from
local authorities giving him special dispensation to break the law.
Ahmed has now been transferred in
what is an apparent demotion from the downtown commercial district to a
downmarket residential bazaar, the Hindustan Times reported on Friday.
The state's chief minister was
reported as saying that celebrities should expect special treatment when it
comes to the law, a widely held notion in India's upper echelons.
"The police should be liberal
while dealing with persons of his stature," Madhu Koda was quoted as
saying by the newspaper. "What is the harm if a person of his standing
uses a car with tinted glass windows?"
*********
They're off in Nude-castle
Around 1,500 volunteers stripped
naked and walked the streets of Newcastle and Gateshead in the name of art.
American artist Spencer Tunick
cordoned off a section of the quaysides to create his latest piece of nude art.
Volunteers, including Tunick fans
who follow his work around the world, pre-registered for the event from
Australia, Belgium and Peru.
From dawn, people gathered by the
Baltic Gallery in Gateshead, before stripping off in the car park.
They were marshalled into different
poses using a loud speaker, at five locations on both sides of the River Tyne.
They crossed the iconic Millennium
Bridge, walked along the Newcastle quayside and lay down or stood by the city's
crown courts.
Mr Tunick said: "I needed 1,500
people to make this installation work and so I am happy.
"I had to fill up Dean Street
and I needed enough to make a thin sliver of bodies. I got everything I needed
and more."