Subject: Daily Dose - 070214 - Sonia's
Collection
Today's collection courtesy of
Sonia, in Mumbai....
Colin Powell was passing a portrait
of George Washington in the White House one day, when the portrait came alive
and asked "Hey Nigger, get me a horse!".
Powell quickly rushed to Condeleza
Rice and told her what happened. Laughing, she nevertheless accompanied Powell
to the portrait.
As nothing happened for a few
minutes, they were turning away from the portrait, when the portrait came alive
again and demanded "Hey, Niggers, where is my horse?".
Both Rice and Powell rushed to
George Bush, who, laughing, nevertheless accompanied them to the portrait.
When nothing happened for a few
minutes, they were turning away from the portrait, when Washington once again
came alive, three up his hands and exclaimed "Typical Niggers, I ask for a
horse and they bring me a jackass."
______________________________
I couldnt' stop making this
comparison..
inches of rain in New Orleans due to
hurricane katrina... 18
inches of rain in Mumbai (July 27th).... 37.1
population of New Orleans... 484,674
population of Mumbai.... 12,622,500
deaths in New Orleans within 48
hours of katrina...100
deaths in Mumbai within 48hours of rain.. 37.
number of people to be evacuated in
New Orleans...entire city
number of people evacuated in Mumbai...10,000
Cases of shooting and violence in
New Orleans...Countless
Cases of shooting and violence in Mumbai.. NONE
Time taken for US army to reach New
Orleans... 48hours
Time taken for Indian army and navy to reach Mumbai...12hours
status 48hours later...New Orleans
is still waiting for relief, army and electricty status 48hours later..
Mumbai is back on its feet and business is as usual
USA...world's most developed nation
India...third world country..
oops...did i get the last fact
wrong???
______________________________
The manager of a large corporation
had a heart attack, and the Doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm
to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored,
so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean
the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city,
working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish
the job, but to his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the
manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was
sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day
the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the
jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of
potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big
potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in
front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager:
"How is that you did such difficult jobs during the first days, and now
you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen,
all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make
decisions!"
______________________________
Half Price: US Air recently
introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on
business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the
PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the
special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking,
"What trip?"
______________________________
A man goes to a shrink and says,
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going
crazy. What do you think I should do?"
Relax," says the Doctor,
"take a deep breath and calm down? Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's
bar?"
______________________________
Life's Lessons I've learned...
I've learned that I like my teacher
because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".
Age 6
I've learned that our dog doesn't
want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to
people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my
room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to
cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard
to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is
often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my
child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the
world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says
something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 39
I've learned that there are people
who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some
one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a
person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and
grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what
happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better
tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing
"Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses
are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot
about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost
luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 52
I've learned that keeping a
vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 54
I've learned that regardless of your
relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 55
I've learned that making a living is
not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do
something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes
gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go
through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw
something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue
happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of
others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness
will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide
something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a
prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe
in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.
Age 75
I've learned that even when I have
pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you
should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding
hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot
to learn.
Age 92
______________________________
CONGRESS DECIDES TO DISPATCH GEORGE BUSH'S TO BANGLORE
From: upi Sept 19, 2005 9:30
AM
Congress today announced that the
office of President of the United States of America would be outsourced to
overseas interests.
The move will save not only a
significant portion of the President's $400,000.00 yearly salary, but also a
record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.
MR. Bush's replacement, Gurvinder
Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President
as of September 1st. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but with
no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be
able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff.
Mr. Singh was born in the United
States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making
him eligible for the position.
"We believe this is a wise move
financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman
Thomas Reynolds (R-Wash.). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government
Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.
"We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the
current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush received his termination
via e-mail this morning. Preparations for the job move have been underway for
some time.
Due to the time difference between
the US and India, the Indian replacement will be working primarily at night,
when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will
allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated
Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I
always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional Spokesperson noted
that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the
office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a
script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of
concern. Using this tree, he can address common concerns without having to
understand anything about the underlying issues at all. "We know these
scripting tools work," stated the Spokesman. "Mr. Bush has used them
successfully for years." Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement
services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his
upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may
have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work
experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Air National Guard. Should
he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Iraq, a country he has
visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush,
who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad
Airport's gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive
a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked for details of his arrival
so that they might arrange a series of appropriate welcomes. An Iraqi insurgent
leader said he has always admired Mr. Bush's deep love of God and will arrange
a meeting between them.
______________________________
What if the Titanic sank today?
Reaction from different countries:
U.S.A:
"A ship coming to Freedom was
attacked by terrorists. We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson.
Bin Laden you can run but you cannot hide we will find you and destroy your
Al-Qaeda network."
(President Bush..who else?)
U.K:
"I have spoken to the president
of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of titanic is
significant prove that Saddam Hussein is clearly behind this attack, Iraq is
posing a threat to the world and this has to be dealt with."
(Prime minister Blair)
Iraq:
"LOL!!!" (Lots Of Laughs)
(President Saddam Hussain)
Israel:
"These Hamas and other
terrorist network is enough evidence to say that sinking of titanic is not an
accident but it was their suicide bombers who have committed such a crime..we
will now impose curfew on the Palestinians, detain them, exile them, kill them,
starve them, destroy their homes and refugee camps."
(Ariel Sharon..)
Canada:
"Titanic who????"
(Canadian president)
India:
"Pakistan has a hand in this.
We have received passports of Pakistani extremists from the Titanic debris.
Pakistanis will have to pay for such horrendous act of terrorism. We are now
deploying more soldiers to the border."
(Prime minister Vajpayee)
Pakistan:
"Can we get over with the elections first..please?"
(President Musharraf)
Egypt:
I told them the titanic was gonna
sink but no one listened to me..... I told them there were terrorists aboard
the titanic but no one listened
(President Mubarak)
UN:
"Shit happens right??"
(Sec.Gen. Kofi Annan)
Survivors:
".uhh.Helllooo.Is anyone
listening...it was an iceberg..hellloooooo."
*************
A pubic service
A New York firm is making waves in
the beauty world with its new range of pubic hair dyes.
Betty Beauty, which bills its
products as 'colour for the hair down there', has been featured on television
and in magazines such as Vogue.
Founder Nancy Jarecki came up with
the idea when she was living in Rome three years ago, reports Advertising Age.
She noticed as women left the salon, the colourist would discreetly slip them
little brown bags.
"They would receive it with
such delight, kiss kiss, and away they would go," she said.
Curious, she asked the receptionist
what the women were getting in those little bags and was told "to match
down there."
"I thought: 'Of course, who
wouldn't want to be a true blonde?'" Ms Jarecki said.
So she worked with a chemist and
toxicologist to develop a gentle, no-drip formulation and speciality
application tools.
Betty Beauty is now sold in five
colours - Brown Betty, Blonde Betty, Auburn Betty, Black Betty and Fun Betty
(bright pink) - priced at about £10 a box.
Bettybeauty.com also sells T-shirts
that ask: "Is your betty ready?" And the firm says its products are
not just aimed at women.
"Men can be betties, too,"
Ms. Jarecki said.