Subject: Daily Dose - 070213 - village idiot, BIZARRE NEWS, murder, DDL, Rotten News

An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond.

Walking over to the village idiot, who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked "Say, son, how deep is this pond?"

"Oh, only a few inches," replied the idiot.

After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat and, within a few seconds, was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond he finally reached his hat, and then struggled back to edge.

Climbing out, he turned to the village idiot and screamed, "Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!"

"Well," shrugged the idiot, "the water only comes half way up that duck over there."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Newspaper Ads

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Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

***

Student Deposits Semen in Cafeteria Condiment

A student at Wheaton North High School has been accused of depositing his bodily fluids into a container of ranch dressing in the school cafeteria. When police investigated they reported that he did in fact supply an extra ingredient to the dressing- his own semen.

School officials, parents, and most of all students were disturbed, outraged, and horribly revolted. The dressing was ingested by an unknown number of students during the last lunch period on Wednesday and all five lunch periods on Thursday, before it was discovered.

Though rumors swirled around the school that it had been going on for months, school officials have made clear that this is an isolated incident and the police assure that an attempted aggravated battery arrest is imminent.

Nevertheless, in order to reassure the public, the superintendent has made a statement of changed protocols of the access to and type of containers used in the cafeteria.

***

Pole Dancing for 12-Year-Olds

A 38-year-old fitness instructor has developed the first pole dancing class for children.

Laraine Riddell teaches these classes to adults and now looks to teach the children to strut their stuff on the pole. This aerobic activity includes spinning up and down the pole, but Riddell claims there is nothing sexual about it, it only serves to benefit the children with lifting and resistance work to build muscle.

However, Pole dancing though almost directly synonymous with stripping, sends the wrong message to our children. The Children's charity Kidscape in Choppington, Northumberland, agrees and has condemned the activity.

Kidscape director Michele Elliott said: "Pole dancing is an activity where women on stage are given money which is stuck in their underwear. To teach 12-year-old girls pole dancing is out of order. "I am sure pole dancing is good exercise - but so is stripping. Strippers have great bodies. By all means give the kids exercise, but just skip the poles."

***

Inebriated Lawmakers Vote On Budget

OSLO, Norway - A number of lawmakers in Norway have apparently been taking care of business under the influence of alcohol.

Politicians from each of Norway's political parties stand accused of consuming spirits during a Christmas dinner and then returning to work for a late- night vote on the national budget, Aftenposten reports.

The drinking controversy erupted after a member of parliament was placed on three weeks sick leave for addressing the chamber when he was under the influence of alcohol. It was later found that the suspended member wasn't the only one who attended the Christmas dinner thrown by the Transport and Communication Committee. Other members who raised a glass or two at the party and then returned to work were named by the newspaper VG.

All the politicians denied being under the influence.

***

S. Korea plans to Build English-Only Town

SEOUL - South Korea plans to set up an island town where students can immerse themselves in English without leaving the Asian country.

The town, where English would be the only language spoken, would include educational facilities from primary schools to college as well as learning centers for short-term students. It would be on Cheju Island, about 50 miles off South Korea's southern coast, which once housed exiled scholars with dissident political views and is now a popular tourist destination.

While creating an entire town would be expensive, officials believe it would save money in the long run.

"According to the Bank of Korea, Korean students spent over $3.3 billion to study abroad last year. We think that if we create a superior educational and residential environment on Cheju as planned, there will be fewer students going to foreign countries to learn English," a spokeswoman for the Ministry of Finance and Economy said.

Some municipal governments have set up English-immersion camps, but they offer only short-term programs. Many are now being closed down

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A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know.  Five...six ...put me down for a five."

______________________________

DDL

Here's a Hell I hope Spammers endure:
Eternally swim in manure,
While bombarded with e-mail
That tells in great detail
Of joys they can never procure.

______________________________

"Some excitement at the White House yesterday. The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, 'Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President.'"
--Conan O'Brien

***

"How annoying is this? Senator Hillary Clinton calling for a return of the 55 mile an hour speed limit. When people in L.A. heard about this, they said, 'What? Cars can go that fast?'"
--Jay Leno

***

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery."
--Jay Leno

***

"Congratulations to Taylor Hicks he won last night. Taylor is the fifth winner of "American Idol." He now joins those immortal past winners: what's-her-name, that girl, that other blonde girl, and the chubby guy."
--Jay Leno

***

My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on sticky notes.

One day I noticed their password was "BatmanSupermanRobinJoker". And so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

***

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine."
--Conan O'Brien

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Rotten News....  (true)

German man sues teens over depressed Ostrich

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German ostrich owner is suing three youths for allegedly making his bird impotent and depressed by setting off firecrackers next to it, a spokesman for a court in eastern Germany said on Thursday.

The court in the town of Bautzen in Saxony will hear the case on January 15. The owner of the male ostrich wants 5,040 euros (3,400 pounds) in damages from the youths, one aged 17 and the others aged 18, because he was planning to start an ostrich farm.

"The man claims that he lost out on the possible births of 14 chicks and he also wants compensation for the vet's bills," the spokesman added."

**********

Flush loo

A US plumbing company is offering customers the chance to win an exclusive toilet named the 'Pimped out John'.

Roto Rooter's toilet comes equipped with a TV and DVD player, an Xbox 360 and an iPod.

There's also a laptop computer, a fridge and a beer tap, reports Metro.

The toilet comes complete with an emergency button in case there are any plumbing problems.

The contest for the toilet starts on January 24th on the company's website rotorooter.com.

************

White cat turns pink

A Devon couple are mystified after their snow white cat suddenly turned bright pink.

Philip and Joan Worth, of Bratton Clovelly, near Okehampton, could not believe their eyes when Brumas came home.

The nine-year-old cat had undergone a drastic transformation.

Mrs Worth said: "He was pink - Barbie pink. His head, ears and right down his body, although not underneath, had gone a quite brilliant pink."

Mr Worth added: "He went out snow white and came back Barbie pink.

"We went to the vet, but they couldn't find any reason for it, although they decided it wasn't toxic, which was what I was worried about."

(my father's been busy with the red food dye again...)