Subject: Daily Dose - 070210 - you're fat, BIZARRE NEWS, no swear words,
DDL, Rotten News
A really fat guy got out of the
shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!"
The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long
has it been since you've seen your dick?"
The fat man answered, "Long
time."
The second man asked, "Why
don't you diet?"
The fat man replied, "Why? What
color is it now?"
______________________________
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS...
Percy the Border Collie Dog Runs for
Congress
FLORIDA - In a satirical protest
against the political establishment, Percy the dog is running for congress in
Florida against Secretary of State Katherine Harris.
Percy's owner, Wayne Genthner, is
acting as the dog's campaign manager. Percy, a border collie mix, will be a
write-in candidate in the Republican primary, has his own website, and has even
been out to meet voters. Genthner acknowledges that no one actually expects the
dog to be elected, "but plenty of people will be willing to vote for a dog
to represent their discontent with the political system," he said.
His website states, "Percy,
District 13's only black white candidate, fluent in Spanish, is a strong
believer in cross culture, cross species interface, and has vowed, if elected,
to support programs that foment these ideals."
In addition, Percy promises to
literally chase down any criminals he sees.
***
Robber Returns to Scene of Crime for
Keys, Busted
ITALY - A 45-year-old man in Italy
thought he had gotten away with the perfect robbery. He successfully held up
employees at a post office in Bruno d'Asti in northern Italy and left with a
bag of money. He didn't get very far, though - he left his car keys on a staff
member's till.
He hurriedly returned to the post
office, but employees had already locked the door and refused to let him in.
An employee described the scene,
"He was desperate and almost started crying, begging us to open the door,
when police finally arrived." The robber was arrested on the spot and is
prison awaiting a court hearing.
***
Birth Ends in Cocaine Arrest
KANSAS CITY - What should have been
a celebratory event turned into a drug bust.
When a 23-year-old man's wife went
into labor at their apartment, he immediately called 911 and told the operator
they needed an ambulance. He was in such a frenzied state that he neglected to
tell them it was for a pregnancy. So, police were called to the scene first.
When they reached the apartment, the
door was ajar so they entered the premises. By this point, the place was empty,
On their way out, the police noticed a brick of pressed powder on the kitchen
table, sitting next to scales.
Investigators determined the
"powder" to be almost $12,000 worth of cocaine. They found $3,500
more in cocaine in the kitchen.
In the meantime, husband and wife
gave birth in the hospital. Later that night, the husband returned home with
relatives, where police were waiting to slap the bracelets on him and book him
in the country jail. They will still need to speak with the new mother.
***
"Comfort for Dogs" Video
Helps Soothe Owners' Guilt
ORLANDO, Florida - Two marketing
professionals in Florida were filled with anxiety every time they left for work
in the morning. Their anxiety was caused by extreme guilt over leaving their
two beloved dogs, Max and Brie, home alone all day.
To help the daily transition, the
two produced a video called "Comfort for Dogs" available for sale on
the Internet.
The video is supposed to help relax
and calm the dogs as their owners leave the house and features soothing music.
The video footage is designed to distract the dogs so they don't miss their
owners as much. According to veterinarian Jane Leon, the video will help
reinforce the relationship between dog and owner.
______________________________
A Cherokee Indian was a special
guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and
its traditions, then he shared with them this fun fact: "There are no
swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But
what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered,
"is when we use your language."
______________________________
DDL
A hasher there was from Fort Worth,
Whose tool had unusual girth.
When a girl from the South,
Took his dick in her mouth,
"I'm thorry can't thay the lath verth."
______________________________
"President Bush has proposed
sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before
he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of
flattery."
--Jay Leno
***
"The Chicago Transit Authority
has announced that there will be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a
quieter ride. This will mean that the only people in the city that won't be
able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"I don't want to say that
George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him."
--Bill Maher
***
"Wal-Mart is coming out with
their own wine. It comes in two flavors - red and white trash. On the label
they of course are telling people to drink responsibly. They don't want anyone
drinking the wine and then getting behind the wheel of their home."
--Jay Leno
***
"President Bush and Nancy
Pelosi met for lunch today. It didn't go well - she wouldn't pass
anything."
--Dave Letterman
***
"According to Britney Spears'
pre-nup agreement, after she divorces Kevin Federline she'll have to pay him
$30,000 a month. And when you add that to Federline's other sources of income,
he'll be making a total of $30,000 a month."
--Conan O'Brien
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Charles puts carbon foot in it...
Prince Charles has booked the entire
first-class and business class section of a jumbo jet to fly to New York - to
pick up an environmental award.
He is travelling by scheduled flight
- instead of a chartered or private jet - to reduce his carbon footprint,
reports the Daily Mail. But the Prince and his 20-strong party will travel
exclusively in the first and club class sections where there are 62 seats.
This means their carbon footprint is
three times what it would be if every seat was used.
The Prince is to receive the Global
Environmental Citizen Award from Harvard Medical School's Centre for Health and
the Global Environment.
The Prince, who has described
climate change as the 'biggest threat to mankind', is planning to publish
details of his own carbon footprint as part of his 2007 accounts.
In November it was revealed that he
planned a green revolution at his office. The radical shake-up included getting
staff to use bicycles to help the fight against global warming. He said he was
even prepared to travel to London by commuter train from a station near
Highgrove.
Charles told aides he also wanted to
stop using gas-guzzling royal helicopters and private jets on official
engagements whenever possible and intended to make more use of the royal train.
**********
Sunburnt skin record bid
A man is fighting to have his world
record bid officially recognised - for peeling off the largest ever whole piece
of sunburnt skin.
Barry Kwok, from Hong Kong, claims
the 21.6cm skin flap is in the shape of China.
Guinness World Records officials say
they cannot consider Kwok's record attempt, as he doesn't have any proof the
preserved sheet of skin came from him.
The Book of Guinness World Records
have been inundated with record bids from China and Hong Kong since appointing
a Chinese record assessor three years ago.
Kwok, a 43 year-old civil servant,
has been keeping the skin since 1979, when it peeled off after he got sunburnt
on a Hong Kong beach.
According to the Metro, he said:
"My younger sister took 90 minutes to help me peel the largest piece of
skin in the world off my chest with her hands, without using any equipment, in
the shape of a China map."
But because he doesn't have any
photographic evidence of his chest with the China-shaped skin recently removed,
his application won't be considered.
***********
Man marries himself
A Chinese man has married himself to
express his "dissatisfaction with reality".
Liu Ye, 39, from Zhuhai city,
married a life sized foam cut-out of himself wearing a woman's bridal dress.
"There are many reasons for
marrying myself, but mainly to express my dissatisfaction with reality,"
he said.
"This marriage makes me whole
again. My definition of marriage is different from others."
The ceremony was held at a
traditional courtyard packed with more than 100 guests.
The 'couple' were led out by a
bridesmaid and a groomsman and bowed to ancestors and senior guests for
blessings.
Liu says he is not gay, but admits
he's "maybe a bit narcissistic", reports New Express.
